Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Booby and the Beast Go Home

When they said DWTS would have a double elimination, I thought that was a clever foreshadowing that Holly and her set were going home.  However, there must have been a geek convention where they lost cell phone service because Steve Wozniak also got his walking papers. I was sad!  He's entertaining and very nice for a gazillionaire.  If I were that rich, I wouldn't be so nice.  I wouldn't go on DWTS either however ... Here's what I thought of the "dancers" -- and I use that term loosely in some instances:

Holly Madison: These damn stars have more stated injuries than the entire population of Americans on workers comp.  So Holly hurts her ribs and is in pain. When one stuffs balloons the size of the space shuttle inside one's chest cavity, one might expect aches and pains in the rib region. Buh bye.

Steve Wozniak: It's hard to concentrate on his dancing when I can't get the image of him and Kathy Griffin fornicating out of my head.  Perhaps that's why America sent him home?  (No, that isn't Kathy Griffin in the photo with Woz above. Wow! Who knew my readers could be so mean!)

Chuck Wicks: Oh, my Chucky!  He even looks good in a short-order cook's hat.  One of those male judges whose name isn't worth remembering told him he needed to be "crispier."  It's hard to keep crisp in sweltering heat, pal!  This guy is sultry, smokin', on fire, not crispy. Get over it.

L'il Kim:  She got the first "10" of the season.  She was crying at all the praise. I don't think she even cried when she learned she was headed to the slammer. Which makes me think she has that disorder where your emotions are convoluted and whose symptoms include laughing hysterically at funerals.  I think she needs psychiatric evaluation is all I'm sayin'.

Steve-O:  Remember how I didn't like Steve-O before? Scratch that.  He had the best quote of the night: "I'm not used to dealing with anxiety without drugs and alcohol."  That said, I think he's now dealing with it with sex.  Is he having relations with his dance partner? They seem cozy and she been giving him googly eyes only seen on Cookie Monster and women in love.

Melissa Rycroft:  Isn't she just an adorable bundle of energy? I bet Jason and Molly sit down to watch it every week just to prove to each other they don't really care. Then, on commercial break, Molly excuses herself to go the rest room and acts like Rebecca DeMornay in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle when she goes ballistic with the plunger. (Why isn't that clip -- best ever for demonstrating The Crazy -- on YouTube???)

Lawrence Taylor: How many carats is that big fat diamond in his ear? If I were on the crew, I'd steal it. He'd never miss it.  That said, I'd be careful when I was doing so because he can kick some serious ass. If I were the judges I'd give him all 10s.  Bruno noted he was scared of him.  I was hoping Lawrence would call him racist and pummel him to an unrecognizable pulp but Lawrence was the bigger person about it, literally and figuratively.  I'm oddly attracted to this man.  If Chuck is voted off, Lawrence will be my new DWTS crush.

Ty Murray:  Is it me or does he have a thing for his partner?  Someone warn Jewel! Stat! Seriously, I think Ty was kind of caressing her hair this week. Ty, it's Jewel's teeth that need fixing, not her eyes. Watch yourself!  He did well and was told he could quit his day job.  What is his day job exactly?  I think being a cowboy is a lifestyle more so than a day job.  It's not like at 5:00 pm you stop being a cowboy, correct?  Unless cows don't eat after 5:00 pm. I'm not up on agricultural issues.

Gilles the French Dude Whose Last Name Escapes Me: He got three 10s!  I've decided that, despite his suave dancing, America should vote him off. We are in the midst of a recession, people! We should be looking out for our own! Do you want the French to get the extra $100 k bonus for winning? Shouldn't we vote American if you will?  This is a matter of allegiance and possibly national security. So vote American! Get rid of Gilles!  Bonus: Carrie Ann will go into mourning and I'm for anything that upsets Carrie Ann.  What's with Gilles' partner's breasts? Who is their creator? God or a misguided plastic surgeon? I can usually tell these things but I'm confused by this one. Please enlighten me.

Shawn Johnson: You know what? She bores me senseless.  I wish she'd rebel and show up wasted like a normal 17-year-old. And I didn't appreciate all the gymnastic tricks in her latest performance. Show off! This isn't the Olympics, pip squeak.

David Alan Grier:  I don't like people who don't heed my (good) advice. He is still mustachioed.  But I like him a little more since Carrie Ann told him he "wasn't the youngest cookie."  She doesn't strike me as a spring chicken herself.  Does anyone love this person in real life? Her family? Anyone? Or does she go home to 46 cats every night and put on her Fook Yu costume and cry herself to sleep?

I have to admit my ire this week wasn't even concentrated on Carrie Ann. Samantha, the co-host with the nitwitty questions, has flown under my radar. Until this week. Did she just come down with a horrendous case of tanorexia or have I just missed it each week? Someone give her a brimmed hat and a cheeseburger. Pronto!  Also an admission: I'm going to start voting next week. I can't just sit around on the sidelines pretending I don't care anymore. I DO care. Deeply. There. I said it.


  1. How does one be crispier? Does it involve artificial tanning lights?

  2. Please please please start reviewing Celebrity Apprentice. I beg of you.


  3. This is the first season that I've watched this show, and I'm obsessed. I vote. Online and with my phone. I agree with your assessments of Carrie Ann (seriously, TWO names?!) and Samantha. Samantha is an ass hat. How does she keep this job? But I must disagree about Gilles. That man is so hot. He smoulders. Did you see his face while he was dancing? Omg, he looked he wanted to **** her silly. He makes me want to cry he's so beautiful. (I have a hormonal issue right now, so I do recognize that I'm a little over the top, but I'm willing to bet I'm not alone.)

  4. Samantha Harris has a 20digit IQ and has a serious case of logorrhea. She chatters and chatters and never says a darn thing. Kind of reminds me of Bush.

  5. Whoops, a 2 digit IQ. Hit space bar and it created a 0.

    Yes, for Celebrity Apprentice. Love it!