Former Fatties Visit Opes

Today's Oprah Show featured fatty fatty boom booms no more Valerie Bertinelli, Marie Osmond and Star Jones. Let us take them one by one, starting from my favorite to least favorite, and how they lost the weight.

Valerie: What's to hate about Valerie Bertinelli? Unfortunately, nothing. She looks great, she's finally rid of that loser Eddie Van Halen and she wore a bikini for the first time in 30 years. Good for her. How she lost the weight:  Jenny Craig.

Marie Osmond: They showed a picture of Marie from when she was a very little girl.  She doesn't look remotely the same. Not even a glimmer. Here's my theory: The Osmonds recognized that perhaps their little girl wasn't Donny & Marie material so they took the real Marie over to one of those polygamist compounds (she's Mormon) and traded her in for a cuter model, figuring the polygamist mom had 200 kids and wouldn't know the difference. The real Marie is ironically on the compound Oprah just visited with her hair teased to high heaven and getting up to hoe the yard at 5:00 am instead of living in the lap of luxury like the faux Marie. Marie has EIGHT kids and probably as many plastic surgery procedures under her belt. That said, she seems like a nice lady albeit an  impostor. How she lost the weight: NutriSystem.

Star Jones: Holy mother of God this woman frightens me.  She actually seemed human today. Which confuses me because I sort of thought she was the devil incarnate. I really couldn't stand her before today. But now I have huge sympathy for her. I hate that about myself. When my compassionate side emerges I question who I really am. But, hell, the woman lost 300 pounds, even though she initially lied about how she did it and she seems happy. And she took on Babs, which takes balls.  So peace, lady. How she did it: Gastric bypass, although she used to insist it was via Pilates and eating healthy. 

BTW, Oprah looked like ass today. Star looked hotter than Oprah.  Sheesh. Opes, fire your peeps.