Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Terrorists Have Won

In what kind of world do we with live where Chuck Wicks is voted off (America, you disgust me!) of Dancing With the Stars?  I immediately turned and punched my husband. I blame him for voting for Ty Murray after he swore Chuck was safe so voting for him was a wasted vote. Another step in my husband's sinister plot to get me to divorce him?  Well, if it comes to light Ty won by only ONE vote, divorce he shall get!  (Yes, it was Chuck and Melissa up last on the chopping block but as REPEATEDLY reminded by the tanorexic Samantha, they were named "in no particular order" so my guess is the bottom two were actually Chuck and Ty.) 

So speaking of Samantha, at one point she was interviewing L'il Kim and her arms were just as dark. Sam Baby, turn off the tanning spray before your race is indeterminable.  So before this dreadful turn of events, I could pretty much tolerate all of the remaining stars. Now I hate them all and will find every Monday and Tuesday nights excruciatingly painful. Alas, I have a blog audience (all 10 of you including my mother and Anonymous)  counting on me to continue this journey we all started together.  But let me just say of the remaining contestants, whom I now despise:
  • L'il Kim is a convicted felon. With tinted blue contact lenses and an unfortunate boob job. 
  • Gilles Marini is FRENCH. That's almost as bad as being a convicted felon.  And how unpatriotic of America to keep him and boot American-as-apple-pie Chuck Wicks.  Enculez vous!  (I think that mean f$%# you in French.  The polite form as opposed to "Encule tu!" the familiar form. I've never met Gilles so might as well be polite about it...)
  • Shawn Johnson: I know she's an Olympic gold medalist or whatever but I find her as graceful as a Teletubby.  The one that carries the purse.  And would the make-up people please stop with the blue eye shadow that makes her look like a broken housewife pushing 50?
  • Melissa Rycroft: I know she can dance. But when America sides with a woman who was in love with the worst Bachelor in its 14-year-history (well, except maybe that Andy Baldwin Officer and a Gentleman loser) instead of cutey Chuck Wicks, the jilted sympathy card has expired.
  • Ty Murray: I want to say something mean. I really do. But I even find his teeth endearing now.  The man endured the humiliation of a spray tan machine on national television and I can't help but like him.  Please Professional Cowboy Rodeo Association members, help me keep him alive now that Chuck is gone!
So, as promised, I am moving from this once great country that has fallen so far that it has no regard for beauty.  Look at those two above in all their glory!  Who doesn't want to look at them every week? You, America, you.  So please vote on where I should move:
  • A. New Zealand (I plan to be one of those annoying people who live somewhere a few months and pick up the local dialect like they haven't spoken with the same accent for 40 years and it's suddenly replaced in only a few days.)  I will hunt down Murray from Flight of the Concords as I have a weird crush on him and want to mess up his hair.  Present!
  • B. Mexico (I think this swine flu scare is some kind of plot not to share tequila with Americans.)
  • C. France (I plan to terrorize the French citizens for voting internationally to save that Gilles freak. Yes, let's blame the French!  And my husband.)  Plus, bonus, I can say f#$% you in French.


  1. Oh, move to New Zealand! My impressions of it consist of "Hercules" (the Kevin Sorbo series, not the Disney movie), "The Thorn Birds," and "Flight of the Conchords." (I actually have a bit of a crush on Bret and all his sweatshirts with kittens and things.) It's a very confusing impression of a place, altogether. I anxiously await your description of the people and the sights, and yes, be sure to speak with the accent after the first day or two.

    As one of your ten devoted readers, just make sure, wherever you are, that you can still get American TV.

  2. A. Because Flight of the Concords is a staple of TV in our house!

  3. We wondered "wtf" at Tanorexic saying, "in no particular order" too. And Shawn Johnson looks like a fireplug mounted on high heels.

  4. Here's my favorite line of the day.

    "Sam Baby, turn off the tanning spray before your race is indeterminable."

    I am gonna keep a list of my fav's, just for giggles.

    P.S. You are so right, we as American's suck eggs for voting off that beautiful, beautiful man. I am heartsick. Ok, I am over it now. But I was really sad until the commercial.

    In more important reality news, catch up on Celeb Apprentice, because the Rivers' koozes are gonna be on Ellen tomorrow. I CAN NOT WAIT!!!!