I had a self-inflicted drama (with me there is rarely any other kind) that had me indisposed this week so I have a few things to catch up on, which I'll do all in one post for the sake of brevity:
Moms do Oprah... That kind of sounds like it could be the follow-up show to the one about women leaving their husbands for other women. Alas, instead it featured real moms talking about what motherhood is really like, which probably caused a lot of men not to get any sex Monday night. Most notable was the hilarious Stefanie Wilder-Taylor of Baby on Bored who compared buying a mini-van to a dog getting neutered. Here's Stefanie's Easter post last year which definitely saved my sanity and quite possibly my life. (My girls were four months old at the time. Let's just say laughing wasn't my main activity this time last year.) Was anyone else surprised that Dooce has a southern twang? Is Utah in the south? I need to get out a map.
Also on Oprah this week:
- Tuesday: Dr. Oz on anti-aging again or something. Doesn't that man practice medicine? Doesn't it require him to see patients?
- Wednesday: That nice rabbi who counsels people on divorce (he's the one marriage counselor in the world I would actually consider seeing if I was ever in need of marriage counseling. Which clearly I'm not.) was on talking to married couples hit by the recession. It was depressing. Miserably married and broke. Good times. Hand me the vodka.
- Thursday: Talking to your kids about sex. The expert thinks you should give your teenage girls vibrators. Picture LuLu and Moxley's mom with her hands over her ears singing "Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!" at the top of her lungs.
- Oprah had professional Easter photos taken of her dog. This, clearly, is a cry for help. Her ass-kissing panel acts like this is normal. Maybe at Christmas she'll take the dog to the mall to go sit on Santa's lap.
- I had high hopes Fridays Live was cancelled last week because Ali was either getting some sleep or a blepharoplasty. Not so much.
- They spent an inordinate amount time discussing masturbation. It has to be at least noon before I discuss such topics (Oprah airs at 9:00 am here) so I went and had my tenth cup of coffee in the interim. Plus, if I am going to discuss said topics in the early morning hours, Mark Consuelos will not be party to the discussion.
- Remind me why Mark is on Oprah? Isn't he on a soap and don't they tape on Fridays?
- Ali apparently never heard the term "pecker." Ali's daughter's name is Elliott. Elliott, who is six, caught Ali and George having sex. I am just hearing that Ali and George have sex and I'm traumatized ... imagine poor little Elliott!
- It's 16 minutes into the show and they're still talking about sex. I might as well just turn on the Playboy Channel.
- Oprah looks springtime fresh in a lovely patterned top. Someone forgot to tell her it's still winter in Chicago. Maybe she has a heated bubble that goes from her penthouse apartment right to Harpo Studios and she never knows what season it is... She should hire a VP of Seasons to keep her apprised.
- James Taylor is on. James Taylor sings. James Taylor is a good singer.