Friday, April 10, 2009

Moms Do Oprah and Other Stuff I Didn't Write About This Week

I had a self-inflicted drama (with me there is rarely any other kind) that had me indisposed this week so I have a few things to catch up on, which I'll do all in one post for the sake of brevity:

Moms do Oprah... That kind of sounds like it could be the follow-up show to the one about women leaving their husbands for other women.  Alas, instead it featured real moms talking about what motherhood is really like, which probably caused a lot of men not to get any sex Monday night. Most notable was the hilarious Stefanie Wilder-Taylor of Baby on Bored who compared buying a mini-van to a dog getting neutered.  Here's Stefanie's Easter post last year which definitely saved my sanity and quite possibly my life. (My girls were four months old at the time. Let's just say laughing wasn't my main activity this time last year.)  Was anyone else surprised that Dooce has a southern twang? Is Utah in the south? I need to get out a map.  

Also on Oprah this week:
  • Tuesday: Dr. Oz on anti-aging again or something. Doesn't that man practice medicine?  Doesn't it require him to see patients? 
  • Wednesday:  That nice rabbi who counsels people on divorce (he's the one marriage counselor in the world I would actually consider seeing if I was ever in need of marriage counseling. Which clearly I'm not.) was on talking to married couples hit by the recession. It was depressing. Miserably married and broke. Good times. Hand me the vodka.
  • Thursday: Talking to your kids about sex. The expert thinks you should give your teenage girls vibrators. Picture LuLu and Moxley's mom with her hands over her ears singing "Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!" at the top of her lungs.
Oprah's Fridays Live is Back!  Unfortunately, Mark and Ali are back with it. Highlights:  
  • Oprah had professional Easter photos taken of her dog.  This, clearly, is a cry for help. Her ass-kissing panel acts like this is normal. Maybe at Christmas she'll take the dog to the mall to go sit on Santa's lap.
  • I had high hopes Fridays Live was cancelled last week because Ali was either getting some sleep or a blepharoplasty. Not so much.
  • They spent an inordinate amount time discussing masturbation. It has to be at least noon before I discuss such topics (Oprah airs at 9:00 am here) so I went and had my tenth cup of coffee in the interim. Plus, if I am going to discuss said topics in the early morning hours, Mark Consuelos will not be party to the discussion. 
  • Remind me why Mark is on Oprah?  Isn't he on a soap and don't they tape on Fridays?
  • Ali apparently never heard the term "pecker."  Ali's daughter's name is Elliott. Elliott, who is six, caught Ali and George having sex.  I am just hearing that Ali and George have sex and I'm traumatized ... imagine poor little Elliott!
  • It's 16 minutes into the show and they're still talking about sex.  I might as well just turn on the Playboy Channel.  
  • Oprah looks springtime fresh in a lovely patterned top. Someone forgot to tell her it's still winter in Chicago. Maybe she has a heated bubble that goes from her penthouse apartment right to Harpo Studios and she never knows what season it is... She should hire a VP of Seasons to keep her apprised.
  • James Taylor is on. James Taylor sings. James Taylor is a good singer.
In DWTS news, David Alan Grier was booted. I blame the mustache. Chuck Wicks is still alive and that's all that matters, capiche?


  1. I'm slightly traumatized by reading about hearing about giving your teenage daugher a vibrator. My oldest boy is 5, and I'm dreading the conversation about where babies REALLY come from. (Right now he's into asking the easy questions like "Will God ever die?" That's a personal favorite of mine.) Offering my teenage daughter a sex toy is definitely not on my list of things I'm planning on doing, much less discussing with Oprah!

    Thrilled, as always, to get your updates on what I missed in daytime (and prime time) TV. I never get to see Oprah and her fancy outfits, so I've come to rely on you!

  2. Explaining the birds and the bees to my daughter: OK. Telling her to get or worse(!), buying her a vibrator: WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

    I can't look at Ali without staring at the bags under her eyes. It's mesmerizing. It also makes me want to take a nap.

  3. I am thoroughly disgusted with the whole vibrator thing. COME ON, Oprah! They're teenagers. They should be sneaking backwards into movies at the mall and putting on extra makeup on the bus...NOT opening a brightly-colored gift from Mommy. MY GOD.

  4. I only recorded Oprah last week because Stefanie was going to be on I haven't seen the straight hair you speak about often until then.

    GOOD GOD. Who is doing that to her? Even my husband gasped as he walked by.

  5. Mark is no longer on the soap. He and Kelly left years ago. Just FYI :-)

    And I agree with another commenter...I can't stop looking at those AWFUL bags!! Don't they at least have make-up for that?? Hello, botox!