Friday, April 3, 2009

Someone Dumber Than Me

I love feel-good stories that make me feel superior to other people.  So apparently a guy "accidentally" swallowed some scissors and had to have them surgically removed.  How does one accidentally swallow scissors, you ask?  He WAS PICKING HIS TEETH WITH THEM after a meal and his friend made him laugh and he swallowed the scissors.  Was your first thought: He was picking his teeth with scissors in front of other people???  I would think that would be a habit one would keep concealed from the general population. Hopefully a loved one buys him a big box of toothpicks for his next birthday.

Well, this story came at a good time for me because yesterday I locked LuLu in the car. By herself. With my keys and cell phone sitting on the front seat. Also locked in the car. So you can see it was a conundrum. I'm holding Moxley (outside of the car) and watching LuLu wave at me (inside the car) as I'm peering at my keys sitting on the seat. And I'm starting to panic. Then I think of Octomom's frantic 911 call where she threatens to kill herself because she can't find one of her (gazillion) kids.  I won't go that route, I thought, because some day I might be famous and the tape will get released. 

So instead I began screaming bloody murder for my neighbor who has keys to our house in which there is an extra set of car keys.  It was the middle of the day and this gentleman is gainfully employed so I'm not sure what made me think this was a good tactic. Plus, he's single. So if I'm a single guy and I hear a crazed female voice screaming my name out in the parking lot I'm thinking of hiding out in my bathroom until it stops. Because it's probably someone I slept with and never called again. But lo and behold, he was working from home yesterday and came to our rescue like a shiny knight riding in a on a big white horse.  If knights wore flannel pjs in the middle of the day. Regardless, as one might imagine, I felt like a bad mother.

The lessons here:
  • Don't pick your teeth with scissors. At least not in front of other people. Then again, if he was alone he might have bled to death from a self-inflicted esophageal scissor wound. Just don't pick your teeth with scissors, okay?
  • Don't try to take twins out in the car by yourself.  Until they turn like 18 years old.
  • Companies should let people work from home more often.  
  • You should always respond if you hear a lunatic frantically calling your name outside your place of residence.  
  • You should always call a person back after sleeping with them so when a lunatic screams your name you know you're safe to come outside. 


  1. I am glad that you got her out rather fast. I feel terrible that you had to go through that. And you are not a bad mother.

  2. That is a very insightful list of lessons, first of all!

    And I'm glad you got her out safe. I once locked my oldest in the car (at the time, my only), with the keys in the ignition. The car wasn't running, but though it probably made it a little safer, it made me that much dumber; I turned the car off, left the keys in the ignition, then locked the door. I was dropping him off at day care at the time (in midwinter, no less) and had the honor of making my way up her driveway to announce that I needed some freaking help because I had just locked the freaking baby in the freaking car. We did in fact call 911 and the police came and very kindly opened the car. Plus, the next time a neighbor came to tell me her toddler had locked her out of the house, I think I was a little more understanding than I might otherwise have been.

    Glad you're all safe and that your neighbor was home!

  3. Excellent tips. That scissors thing is insane.

  4. I did the same thing at Gymboree (13 years ago with my first of 4) and they sent a FIRETRUCK AND a police car!!! Nothing like calling attention to me-jeesh. It wasn't even bad weather......I have done similar things many time since but have had the good sense not to call 911.

  5. Note to self: hide spare house and car keys somewhere on our property. Don't attempt to hide in my gullet, is dangerous.

  6. I still can't comprehend HOW one accidentally swallows scissors while picking one's teeth. Exactly how far back in his mouth was he picking?

    Glad Lulu got out safe and sound! The only thing that's kept me from locking a kid or two in the car is the fact that neither of my cars lets me. They both have to be locked with the key fob.