Friday, April 17, 2009

Top Eleven Things That Surprised Me About Birth

11. There aren't a lot of hot doctors running around the joint like there are on TV.

10. You get poked more than Pam Anderson on her honeymoon with Tommy Lee. What the hell were they looking for with all those blood draws?  I felt like Amy Winehouse minus the euphoric buzz.

9. Doctors in a teaching hospital average the age of 10. I, literally, was the oldest person in the delivery room. "Hey guys," I called out when I looked around, "who are we going to call in case of an emergency???"

8. Babies are not clean when born.  Doesn't the staff feel compelled to spruce the babies up before handing them over to unsuspecting parents waiting for a nice, fresh Gerber baby to be presented?

7. It takes about 45 medical professionals to deliver twins.  I almost excused myself and said I'd wait in another room because there were so many people in there. Oh, don't mind me, I almost told one of the med students just there to observe, I'm just giving birth.

6. You might get an anesthesiology resident who never put in an epidural before. It took twenty minutes. My nurse squeezed my hand later and said, "Wow, you were nice. I would have told her to get the real doctor after her second try."  I'M NOT KIDDING.  No wonder they make husbands leave the room. They don't want any witnesses.

5. After your epidural is (FINALLY!) in, you can no longer have anything to drink. They do not warn you of this so you can guzzle liquids beforehand. I did not give birth for TWENTY-FOUR hours, resulting in me seeing mirages of water like I was marooned in a desert.  

4. You might throw up repeatedly during an emergency c-section because you were so thirsty you started eating ice chips by the gallon when nobody was looking.  

3. They make maxi-pads for human beings that could fit a rhinoceros.  

2. Your body will look worse when checking out of the hospital than when checking in.  

1. You might get the one doctor in the practice you haven't met when it's time to deliver.  Mine just returned from maternity leave and IT WAS HER FIRST DAY BACK. "Dear God, she's rusty AND hormonal," I whispered to my husband. 

Oh, and most shocking, the first thing I wanted to drink wasn't champagne...


  1. I had forgoten about the enormous maxi pads!

  2. Oh, the maxi pads!

    Yes, I've had 3 C-sections (only one planned) and I think I would probably have looked better if I'd simply kept the pregnant belly, rather than the post-C-section one.

    My first labor was 29 hours long and generally awful (as opposed to most people's labors, which I'm sure are full of sunshine and flowers). And the entire time, even when I was crouched on the foot of the bed with my butt in the air, trying to relieve the pain of the contractions (that position does not relieve anything, in case you were wondering), I wanted french fries more than anything in the world. I was ecstatic to meet my newborn son, but I may have been equally happy to see the french fries my dear husband brought me soon after he was born!

  3. I've had three c-sections (that resulted in five babies). The triplet birth was an circus!

  4. My extreme thirst post-epidural was so desperate that IT alone is what got me to push my daughter out. I kept telling myself..."as soon as she's out they'll give me some water...water...water...water" I've never been so thirsty in my life.

  5. I am just glad that you survived. That sounds crazy.

  6. It only took you 20 minutes to get your epi? Count yourself lucky, my friend! It took my dude 55 minutes to get it in, after poking the HECK out of my back 8 times. I had tiny little wholes all over my lower back. And he came to me to say it was taking longer then usual, with blood all over his hands. THANKS GUY! This was my epi experience with my second son. The first time, it wasn't that bad, but still - it was the worst part of labour and delivery for me. It's the thing I think about when I consider having a third child!

    And oh, yes, those maxi pads are completely horrific.

    But look at your gorgeous twins! They're perfection!