10. You get poked more than Pam Anderson on her honeymoon with Tommy Lee. What the hell were they looking for with all those blood draws? I felt like Amy Winehouse minus the euphoric buzz.
9. Doctors in a teaching hospital average the age of 10. I, literally, was the oldest person in the delivery room. "Hey guys," I called out when I looked around, "who are we going to call in case of an emergency???"
8. Babies are not clean when born. Doesn't the staff feel compelled to spruce the babies up before handing them over to unsuspecting parents waiting for a nice, fresh Gerber baby to be presented?
7. It takes about 45 medical professionals to deliver twins. I almost excused myself and said I'd wait in another room because there were so many people in there. Oh, don't mind me, I almost told one of the med students just there to observe, I'm just giving birth.
6. You might get an anesthesiology resident who never put in an epidural before. It took twenty minutes. My nurse squeezed my hand later and said, "Wow, you were nice. I would have told her to get the real doctor after her second try." I'M NOT KIDDING. No wonder they make husbands leave the room. They don't want any witnesses.
5. After your epidural is (FINALLY!) in, you can no longer have anything to drink. They do not warn you of this so you can guzzle liquids beforehand. I did not give birth for TWENTY-FOUR hours, resulting in me seeing mirages of water like I was marooned in a desert.
4. You might throw up repeatedly during an emergency c-section because you were so thirsty you started eating ice chips by the gallon when nobody was looking.
3. They make maxi-pads for human beings that could fit a rhinoceros.
2. Your body will look worse when checking out of the hospital than when checking in.
1. You might get the one doctor in the practice you haven't met when it's time to deliver. Mine just returned from maternity leave and IT WAS HER FIRST DAY BACK. "Dear God, she's rusty AND hormonal," I whispered to my husband.
Oh, and most shocking, the first thing I wanted to drink wasn't champagne...