Friday, April 9, 2010

I'm a Mouthy Housewife! And Who Stole My Sense of Humor...

The bitch stole my mojo. Does anyone have Tom Cruise's cell phone number?

The Mouthy Housewives were kind enough to ask me to be a guest advice columnist this week. Nobody informed them I lost my sense of humor AND know nothing about Twitter. Because the question I was given and instructed to provide sage advice on was on the subject of Tweeting. I faked my way through it as I do most things in life. (Speaking of Twitter, how about Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy announcing their breakup via this astounding social media invention? Don't get me started on how un-funny I think she is. Which is I would do in a very funny way if I myself was remotely funny anymore.)

Speaking of losing my sense of humor: I'm pretty sure it was stolen and I know the culprit. Suri Cruise. I'm serious. Due to this Famecrawler gig, which was restructured and now requires a lot more of my time, I am eating, breathing (and hating) Suri Cruise. And, really, I owe her something for all I've written (and not very entertainingly) about her. Her fuzzy pig slippers, her bunny ears, her New York City dining habits, her mother's unfortunate ensembles, her father who seems to be missing in action. So she swiped my sense of humor, the little well-dressed brat. Seems fair when you think about it. Whereas she's probably regaling her parents with witty blog posts of her own, I may resort to turning my blog into a regurgitated knock-knock joke haven, or maybe a site for bad dizzy blond jokes.

God help me. I PROMISE to think of something funny to write soon. I'm thinking of going to an overnight Buddhist retreat to get my soul back into alignment. You probably think I'm kidding but I'm not. There's one right around the corner from me, which appeals to my lazy side. Are Buddhists supposed to be funny? Let's hope so.

PS -- My children are monsters. I've lost any semblance of control in my own household. There are demands for lollipops at breakfast, closet-emptying antics at naptime, furniture destroyed all in the name of "building a boat for Arnold" (the little pig from Kipper), tantrums if I don't let them don Halloween-themed outfits every day. I officially give up. Look for me (looking like a deranged mental patient) on a future episode of Nanny 911 when said nanny admits for the first time some children are beyond help. If you want to volunteer to put me out of my misery, let me know and I'll forward my address.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Lost Item

People, I seem to have lost my sense of humor. Sort of like one might lose a wallet, it just suddenly disappeared, never to be heard from again. I wonder if someone is using it, like one would use the credit cards and money from the wallet. Maybe my sense of humor is on a hilarious spending spree of sorts. Laughing its way across the country, stopping at random comedy clubs, giddy to be rid of me. If you see it, tell it I said hello. And that I miss it.

So, anyway, it's park season here in Chicago as the weather has been unusually balmy (yay global warming!). This is both good (we get to go outside every day) and bad (other people also go outside every day.) And it reminds me that parents and their children didn't get less annoying over the winter, just older.

The girls are obsessed with their cars so I have to push them all over the greater Chicago area as they beep merrily away and yell at passerbys "Out of da way!" The other day we arrive at a school nearby where if we do public they will attend K through 8 and I park the vehicles in a hidden corner away from the playground so no kids will f@#$ with them. The girls do not like other kids f@#$ing with their cars.

On the way there, I let the girls suck on lollipops because they obliged me by sitting on the potty, unsuccessfully, but they sat nonetheless and wanted their reward. I told them they had to put the lolly away when we got to the park because it was dangerous to run around with it in their mouths. We decided to stick them in the car's cup holder and they could resume sucking on our journey home.

At one point I go to retrieve chalk from the little storage trunk in the cars. Standing there is a dad and his daughter and they are playing with the cars. No big deal, my kids did the same thing before they had the cars. But I decided to warn him about the lollipops that were out in plain site in the cup holder.

Him: Oh, are these yours?

Me: Yeah, but that's fine, she can play with them.

Him: Thanks.

Me: Oh, but just so you know there are lollipops in the cup holders in case she tries to grab them.

Him: Right, I tossed those out since she can't have lollipops.

Say what? I just stared at him blankly. He stared back at me blankly. He thew away OUR lollipops because his kid can't have them. Well they weren't hers to have! I was so stunned I walked away without another word.

Later I heard this thief telling his buddy he was going out to watch the basketball tournament. I decided I would follow him to his neighborhood sports bar and belly up next to him at the bar. When he went to the bathroom, I would take his beer and dump it out. Upon his return, I would announce: "I threw out your beer. My friend who is joining me isn't allowed to have beer and I didn't want her to drink it so I got rid of it." Then I would stare blankly at him and not apologize. Perhaps then he'd get the point?

Okay, I'm going on a thorough search to retrieve my sense of humor and plan to bring it back, perhaps kicking and screaming like a teenage runaway who left to marry her creepy 26-year-old boyfriend.

Oh, one more thing. Speaking of creepy. Is anyone watching Dancing With the Stars? Is what they are putting Buzz Aldrin through a form of elder abuse? Why is Pamela Anderson the color of clay? Is anyone else tempted to wear a full body condom during her routines just in case STDs can be transferred across television waves? Did Shannon Doherty look like her face had been cut in half and then glued back together a bit askew or is that just me? And what was wrong with her teeth? Does 90210 and Charmed not pay residuals so one might afford a dentist? Do you think Jon Gosselin is getting liquored up every Monday and Tuesday night with his 16-year-old girlfriends and laughing his fat ass off? Dear god, that show will keep me going until The Bachelorette kick off.