Friday, January 30, 2009

Hilary Duff as a Bad-Ass?

What do Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway have in common (besides teeth as long as walrus tusks)? Duff has been tapped to play Bonnie in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde, which has Dunaway making disparaging remarks about Duff's acting prowess.  Dunaway clearly hasn't seen Cheaper By the Dozen II.  I'm no casting director, but anyone who can pull off that challenging role is certainly capable of being a gun-wielding robber.   BTW, Faye Dunaway used to look like this. Please tell me this isn't the normal ravages of time and she just had some rather questionable work done along the way.

Speaking of Cheaper By the Dozen, Steve Martin might be the perfect man.  I might even break up with Daniel Craig to go out with Steve Martin.  Of course then when Vince Vaughn came knocking to steal me away from Steve Martin, I'd have some major soul-searching to do...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

IL State Senate Impeaches G-Rod, Needs English 101 Primer

I have a vaguely sick gnawing feeling now that G-Rod is from hereto simply Rod.  Or maybe I'm just hungry. Regardless, today's Illinois State Senate hearing leaves me with more questions than answers, mainly pertaining to the sign:
  • Technically, shouldn't this be two separate sentences? A semi-colon at the very least. I mean, I hate to be one of those annoying grammar nazis, but if you're going to bother to make a sign and all...
  • Did the good taxpayers of Illinois pay for the making of this sign?  This looks kind of professional.  Couldn't the lead Senate person just have handwritten it in nice marker or something?
  • What did they do with this sign when the meeting adjourned?  Throw it in the dumpster out back? List it on eBay? Offer it to Rod as a parting gift?
  • Do small children serve in the Illinois State Senate?  If not, couldn't they have spelled out the offending words just so we're all clear?
So are we now governor-less?  How does one apply?   I am looking for a job and don't tend to swear much. I could also double as an English tutor for the State Senate making it a good bargain for taxpayers...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Ashlee Simpson Mad; Forgets She Had Nose Job

Ashlee is in a huff because the media is picking on Jessica for getting a bit tubby.  Why can't women just be accepted as they are, wonders Ashlee on her blog.  (Pout!) Her outrage follows:  "All women come in different shapes, sizes and forms."  (And noses!) "Just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard."

Well, hon, see, there is a different standard.  BECAUSE YOU ARE A CELEBRITY.  Want to be a normal civilian? Well, come on down, sister!  Buy your own clothes, do your own hair, take care of your own kids in the middle of the night. (We don't name them Brooklyn Mowgli over here in Normalville so you'll have to visit the birth certificate people before taking up residence.) I might also suggest to Pete that he only wear makeup in the privacy of your own bedroom. Oh, but here in Ordinary Town the media won't care if you gain five pounds and the paparazzi don't tend to go through our trash.

I might start offering a class called Being a Celebrity 101. The lectures will include obvious topics like "Don't Get Cosmetic Surgery if You Don't Want People to Talk About It" and "Photographers Will Hide in Your Bushes -- Deal  With It." Oh, and maybe something like "If You Don't Like Being a Celebrity,  Walmart is Hiring."

Speaking of Ashlee, I'm not ashamed to admit I actually like the song "Pieces of Me."  No, really, I do.

Hey Maverick! Where's Goose?

I have completely changed my mind about soon-to-be ex-Governor Rod Blagojevich. Anyone who -- with a straight face -- said he considered appointing Oprah to Barack Obama's open Senate seat is okay in my book. (Hey, Rod, maybe you hadn't heard but Oprah HAS a job. A rather consuming one.)  Her job, however, wasn't the issue.  He wasn't sure Oprah would take his call so he didn't know how he'd get in touch with her.  Note to next governor: We, the people of Illinois, would like to elect someone who tends to have their calls returned by important people.

He went on The View (and every other national program known to man) and said his wife swore like a sailor only because she picked up the bad habit from him, so he takes full responsibility.  Ladies, chivalry is not dead!

I have a new theory on G-Rod. He is actually an actor from the Second City comedy troupe and as a lark ran for governor just to get material for his act.  Well, lo and behold, the dumb ass people of Illinois (no offense) voted -- and re-elected him! -- into office and he went with it. Comedians generally can use an extra $177,000 each year.  His wife and kids are actually stand-ins represented by the William Morris agency. The wife is doing an especially superb job!  She'll probably land in a soap after this gig is up.

G-Rod told Greta Van Susteran, when asked how his life currently was on a scale of 1 to 10, that it was currently a 2.  Then he bumped it up to a 4 because he loves his wife and kids, then reconsidered and knocked it back down to a 3.  Note to next governor: We, the people of Illinois, would like to elect someone whose life is at least a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10.

I'm growing tired of this guy's face (and black bomber jacket circa 1986).  Wake me when it's over.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Angelina Jolie Possibly Gives Birth to Octuplets

Some lady near LA gave birth to EIGHT babies.  The mother thus far has remained anonymous. I suspect it's Angelina Jolie.  She looked like she swallowed a pea when she was eight months pregnant with twins so this picture taken the other day doesn't deter my theory.  There could be eight babies hiding under that blousey dress. (Imagine being a star and having to come up with EIGHT crazy-ass baby names at once!  You'd have to summon Lisa Bonet for a creative brainstorming session.) 

The mother and her doctors were only expecting seven babies but out popped an eighth. What' s one more at that point I guess... I practically need a prescription for (high dose) valium with twins.  This mom might want to ask for a lobotomy before she's released from the hospital.

UPDATE: Holy crap! The octuplet mom has six other kids.  It really could be Angie! Or apparently someone as bat-shit crazy as she is.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Hates Jennifer Aniston

Does Jen not have enough to be despondent about what with Brad and Angelina spawning litters while she resorts to dating a cruise ship performer? And now she has to contend with Brad and Angie getting Academy Award nominations while she was frozen out for her poignant portrayal of  a dog owner in Marley and Me? And their nominations were for for best actor and actress, no less. Not something stupid like Best Directing of a Subtitles-Only Foreign Film or Best Editing and Lighting While Filming in Antarctica that everyone TIVOs over anyway. Never mind they don't have a shot at winning.  To not give Mickey Rourke the Oscar would be like saying, "Mickey, take your goddamn sad-ass face and go hibernate with your mutt for another 20 years" and the Academy doesn't want that on their conscience.  And from Princess to Vogue Underling to Drug Addict?  Of course Anne Hathaway will win.  No female lead got fat or ugly this year to play a part so she doesn't have much competition.  Well, Jen is good at shaking things off.  Nothing another trip to Cabo laying poolside at Joe Francis' place won't fix.

I, by the way, like Jen.  I want to be Jen (under the condition Vince Vaughn takes me back.) And I will stop picking on her the minute she stops romancing Jessica Simpson's ex-boyfriends and staying at the vacation home of jailed Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis. Sheesh!  Can she not afford to rent a villa???

Robin McGraw Writes Book; Unaware She Looks Like Freak

Does this look like a woman who hasn't had plastic surgery??  While hawking her new book about aging gracefully, Robin McGraw forgets to mention she hasn't.  Her eyebrows live in Alaska and the rest of her face lives in LA.  And the lips, my God, the lips!  

Per Rachel Ray's web site (I only go there like 20 times a day):

"Robin has never had plastic surgery, but she has found some non-surgical options that she says can make it look like you've had a face lift."

Remind me to stay away from said "options" if they will make me look like this. I'm not against plastic surgery. No sir.  But to write a book about looking good at 55 (while perched on an actual number 55) and attributing it to facials and exercise and the like when your eye sockets are devoid of skin takes, as Mickey Rourke would say, "balls."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Boss Gets Botox; New Jersey Disowns Him

Bruce got Botox. Believe me, I knows it when I sees it, and Bruce Springsteen got himself poked but good.  I am nothing if not scientific in my finger-pointing of stars and their cosmetic surgery. Please see Exhibit A, picture above, pre-Botox.  A bit of crinkle never hurt a guy pushing 60. Now view the video of his inaugural performance. Nary a movement!  He got a double dose. Which is fine. For Lisa Rhinna. And, frankly, for you and me. But THE BOSS doesn't do Botox! I'm from Jersey. I know these things. Bruce was born to run, not born to freeze every facial muscle in his face.  (I have lots more cringe-worthy puns using Bruce lyrics like "Is that you baby, or just a brilliant disguise?" but I'll spare you.)

 Oh, and rumor has it Tom Cruise starting using the stuff before the Grammy's. But who cares???  He's one heartbeat or lifetime or something away from being an alien. I don't care if he sticks botulism up his arse to be honest.  

Friday, January 16, 2009

Push John Mayer Overboard. Please.

Take a cruise with John Mayer.    No, really, you can take a cruise with John Mayer from March 27 - 31 from LA to Cabo San Lucas.  Pack your 64-box of Crayola Crayons, ladies!  If I were to go on this cruise, Carnival would have to pay me, not the other way around (and provide earplugs). Jennifer Aniston is dating a cruise line performer. What's next, carni folk?  

In the FAQ section of the promotional website, it asks: "Will John be on board the whole time?" and the answer is, "Of course he'll be on board the whole time. Keep your eye out, you might run into him just when you least expect it!"  This gave me the shivers. Imagine going about your business, walking idly along in broad daylight when BAM!  You run smack into John Mayer, possibly causing cardiac arrest from the sheer fright of it all.

Although check out his You Tube video at the link provided. He looks, well, human.  Could I be wrong about him? It happens so seldom (my being wrong) that I rather doubt it but I'm open to the possibility.  

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Gap Designer Creates PJs While on Drug Binge

I love the zipper Gap sleeper pjs with feet ... but skulls and bones for infants?  Don't you get the feeling some rogue Goth designer at Gap submitted this pattern and the guys at corporate indulged in a three-martini lunch that day and approved it?  And before they knew it, some factory in China sends 300,000 pajamas with skulls and bones all over them and nobody knew quite what to do so they went with it?  The description online says: "Cozy and cool. What's not to love about the skull sleeper?"  Umm, well Gap people, I hate to point out the obvious but what's not to love is that it's covered with skulls.

This is currently selling for $22.  Look for a sale price of $9.99 soon when they realize nobody wants to dress their kids like this unless it's Halloween. (I of course don't care so will buy two when the price hits the single digits.)

CBS Gives John Mayer Own Show; CBC Executive Asked to Take Eye Exam

John Mayer might star in a variety show on CBS.  This man will scare small children, not to mention advertisers. One can only hope it airs sometime after 10 pm.  And my goodness, look what being brunette does for Jessica Simpson!  She almost doesn't look like a harlot.  L'Oreal, send her a big box of Burberry Bark or whatever creative name you call this color. Stat!

And speaking of color, allow me to share my favorite John Mayer quote and then let's discuss:

"Life is like a box of crayons.  Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's okay though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem?  I mean there are so few colors of life, of feeling, of articulation ... so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type, I'm like, "Hey girl, magenta!" and she's like "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing and I'm like, "no, I want magenta!"  -- John Mayer

I think we can learn a few lessons here:

1) John Mayer might be even deeper than Ethan Hawke.
2) Jessica Simpson doesn't have the color magenta in her crayon box, so to speak.
3) John Mayer should refrain from granting interviews.  

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Get Your Local Politician's Autograph!

The disturbing thing isn't that the governor of Illinois is using a girls breast to sign an autograph, it's that someone asked for his autograph.  I've met many-a-politician (I'm important) but now I realize I've missed valuable autographing opportunities. Who knew this was a thing?  Well, now I do. Luckily, I'm having breakfast Saturday morning at an eatery Rahm Emanuel frequents. I'll start with him.  He seems like a pleasant fellow who'd take well to being bothered while dining out with his family.

Lisa Bonet Sets Record With Most Letters in Human Baby Name

In a move that puts Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, Suri Cruise, Seraphina Affleck and Apple Martin to shame, Lisa Bonet welcomes son Nakoa-Wolf Manakaupo Namakaeha Momoa.  Loosely translated it means "bad-ass warrior of the dark, stormy night." Alright, Lisa, you win.  Okay? No celebrity in their right mind will be able top this, so hopefully they will just start naming their kids Jack, Emily and Josh like the rest of us mere mortals.

Which, being the deep, philosophical person that I am (not as deep as Ethan Hawke of course), I wonder about the psychology behind the baby-naming of the rich and famous.  Do they feel if they give their child a normal name, they will in fact become normal, relegated to average joe status?  Do they feel they are indeed so special their children warrant names that don't exist in even the most drug-deluded imagination?  I think it's the rare secure celebrity that is able to bless their child with a moniker that actually exists. Which makes me think (and I can't even believe I am going to say this) that Jennifer Lopez might actually have some semblance of a brain that she named her twins Max and Emme. Fairly normal. (Or maybe Marc Anthony promised to stop starving himself if she gave them real names.)

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Kate Winslet Wins Award, Pees Pants

Is it really THIS exciting to get a Golden Globe? I mean, really? (Fast forward the video to about 1:40 unless you want to see Cameron Diaz and Mark Wahlberg say "hi" to each other 40 times in some bizarre pre-coitus exchange that makes me uncomfortable.) I don't even think Daniel Craig asking to lick my face could garner such a reaction from me.  Although I'm not an artiste' such as Kate Winslet.  She was on Oprah today and didn't seem the least bit embarrassed.  Oh, Mickey Rourke was on Oprah too. Is he a bad-ass loner thanking his pets in his acceptance speech or what? I also like people who use the term "balls" on nationally televised programming.

Does Hollywood know that in no other profession is it acceptable to blubber like you've been diagnosed with a deadly tropical illness whilst accepting accolades from your peers in a public forum?

My Favorite Polygamist Graces HBO With Presence

Ahhh, Bill Paxton.  Yum!  If anyone deserves to have more than one wife and get away with it, it's gotta be him. If Bill was in the market for a (somewhat aging) fourth wife, I'd give up booze and caffeine quicker than you can say, "Cut your damn hair, Nicky!" Okay, maybe just the caffeine. I suspect Margene and I would hide some cheap wine somewhere in the house and indulge when the more stuffy wives weren't looking.

Speaking of Mormons ... in real life, why is it only the really creepy ancient ones that choose the polygamy route?  These are guys nobody would want to marry even if they didn't already have 45 wives.  I think only the rich, good looking ones should be allowed to marry more than one gal. Like Mitt Romney. Here's a perfectly handsome looking Mormon fellow (might I say hot?) who can actually afford lots of wives.  And they probably wouldn't mind having sex with him. Unlike, say, this guy.  I don't think Joseph Smith thought the rules through enough.

Friday, January 9, 2009

G-Rod Quotes Poetry, Insults More Dead Poets

This time he's making Tennyson roll over in his grave and letting Rudyard Kipling rest in peace (for now).  I'd give you the quote but I hate poetry and it is completely unrelated to a man who just learned the Illinois House is voting to impeach him.  In a burst of literary inspiration, G-Rod today also said he related to Alan Stilltoe's 1958 short story called "The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner."  Here's the thing: unlike the title suggests, the story isn't so much about a lonely long distance runner as it is a juvenile delinquent caught in string of petty crimes who has little hope for the future. Which leads me to believe G-Rod: a) doesn't know how to read; b) actually does know how to read and thinks nobody else does; c) is mentally challenged; d) needs a new speech writer.  

Which makes me wonder: who do I dislike more, Rod Blagojevich or Ethan Hawke?  And, while he probably will never be impeached or even convicted of a crime (unless pompous ruminating in major magazines becomes illegal), I may have to go with Ethan. See, despite the poem-quoting, literary-referencing, jogging suit -wearing bravado, I bet G-Rod knows he sucks. Ethan isn't blessed with such self-awareness. He thinks he's a cool hipster, writing edgy novels and poetry. A noir, complicated intellectual philosophizing about love and loss.  Like this gem:  

"Memory is a great thing, if you don't have to deal with the past." - Ethan Hawke


Monday, January 5, 2009

Jerry O'Connell REALLY Likes Flowers

One minute you're the fat kid in Stand By Me and the next you're having supermodel twins and naming them Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip.  I'm trying to think which name would make me more likely to gouge my eyes out when I was old enough.  I'd have to go with the former.  Dolly is either a buxom, lovable country singer with a soft spot for synthetic wigs or a controversial cloned sheep. That's it. The name is taken.