Advice Anyone?

I once had an advice column.  It was in a free paper that nobody read. The publication went under and the publisher never told me so I kept sending in columns for weeks after it went belly up.  I'm not kidding. The only reason I found out was my friend lived in the town where it was published and finally filled me in.  I've always wanted to be Ask Amy of the Chicago Tribune. If she was remotely entertaining.  Here is one of my advice columns which might explain why the Tribune isn't knocking down my door.

Dear L.:

My boyfriend and I have been going out for four years.  Last month, we attended a family wedding and I haven’t heard from him since.  I have called several times to check in with him but he’s never returned my voice messages.

I just want to know what happened and where things stand.  Please help.

Signed,

Distraught

Dear Distraught:

Well, first and foremost, you need to start saying “My boyfriend and I WENT OUT (past tense) for four years.”  Not to sound like your eighth grade English teacher but “have been going out” implies you, in fact, are still dating, which you aren’t.

It seems to me you are looking for answers and closure.  Why are girls in our society so hell-bent on closure?  For me, someone -- especially a long-term boyfriend -- not returning my call IS closure. 

That said, I can only assume for a fact you know he was not hit by a truck the day after the wedding?  If you know him to still be among the living, I would let it go.  If you simply can’t stand to do that, why not shoot him an e-mail (very non-confrontational) and just say you are curious what happened between the two of you that the relationship ended and wish him well.  He may even be intrigued by your blasé attitude and wonder why you aren’t distraught.  Men would prefer to think you are holed up in your bedroom in pajamas eating pints of Chubby Hubby when they break up with you.

Here’s the thing – I know you want answers but men almost never give the real reasons they broke up with you.  Instead they might say one of the following: 

a)     I just can’t be in a committed relationship right now.

b)    I just need some space.

c)     I love you but I’m not in love with you.

 What this all translates into is this:  I AM SEEING SOMEONE ELSE OR WANT TO SEE SOMEONE ELSE SO DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON THE WAY OUT.

 On a positive note, don’t grieve too long.  A wise woman once said, “Men are like buses.  There’s always another one coming.”