Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Just Say No to Polygamy

I pictured my new sister wife to be like Margene on Big Love. We'd giggle, make fun of the other wives and drink lots of wine after everyone else went to sleep.  In Oprah's show yesterday where she visited a polygamist compound, there wasn't a Margie in sight.  And a sister wife who did her hair like this would make me want to drink even more wine. When none at all is even allowed. Which is a big problem.

They also get up at 5:00 AM (!) to get ready for their day. No wonder they don't drink! Hangovers make 5 am wake-up calls problematic.  On the bright side, Oprah made a couple of funnies. She wanted to know why they didn't like it being called a "compound."  Compound isn't a bad word, she noted. She "always wanted to live on the Kennedy compound" she informed her host.  Bahahahahahahaha!

She made another joke too but I missed it because I was too busy canceling my ad for a sister wife on Craigslist.  Ladies, I think what we all really want are full-time housekeepers like Alice on The Brady Bunch, not sister wives.  Of course if you want her to help you out with your, errr, marital obligations,  you may have to pay a little extra.  

If you're not convinced, consider this. These people breed like rabbits. So you'd have a sober lady with humongous hair moving into your house and she'll have like 10 kids in under two years. No thanks.  

Onto my ongoing "tip list" for Oprah: Dude, what's with the false eyelashes?  I think the key is to make them look like they could possibly be real.  We're veering dangerously close to Tammy Faye Baker territory here.  Except hers were kind of separated into big gooey individual lashes and Oprah's are one big shelf of lash. Like a big black tidal wave on the upper eyelid. Is it time the Harpo make-up people got the kibosh?  Opes could always blame the economy... 


  1. I don't have a problem with a bunch of ladies being married to the same guy. My issue is how they dress. C'mon ladies, pick it up a notch.

  2. I start my day at 5am. But, I still think the whole sister wife is a bad idea. I will take a really ugly housekeeper instead.

  3. her eyelashes have bugged the crap outta me for so long