DWTS -- Home of the Ass Cracks

I would wager you wouldn't see more ass cracks at a plumber convention than on Dancing With the Stars.  Is the FCC not watching?  Everyone may have a different definition of indecency, but I think we can all agree that when we can tell the, shall we say, grooming preferences on network television, it's indecent (I'm talkin' to you, Melissa). I think Jason gets the point of what he's missing...  So without further adieu, here's what I thought of Monday night's episode:

Holly Madison -- Why did she have a Dolly Parton wig on? And speaking of Dolly Parton, I give Holly credit for even being able to dance with those knockers in her way.  I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed.  Given she's had sex with a corpse, I think she deserves some fun so she can stick around a few more episodes.

David Alan Grier -- Mustachioed men freak me out.  I took a wine break during his dance.

Denise Richards -- She's about as squeaky clean as a pig knee dip in shit. So I found the classic We Go Together shoo-bop Grease song as their choice an insult to my intelligence.  I think there's a certain spot for her in hades -- in the cage next to Charlie Sheen so they can make each other miserable for eternity.

Belinda Carlisle -- Why can't we just remember her fondly as the cute chubby lead singer of the Go-Gos?  Why can't anyone just sail into the celebrity sunset with dignity?

Ty Murray -- Gotta love a guy who makes a living as a cowboy. And if he hasn't made Jewel get her teeth fixed yet, he's a keeper. Of course he dances like he's got a horseshoe up his ass -- and maybe he does -- but still he deserves to last a bit longer.

Shawn Johnson -- Yowza.  She's 17.  Are you allowed to wear a glittery piece of cloth 1 inch in diameter at that age?  And that judge, who apparently is blind, said she needed to be "more naughty."  Chester the Molester alert!  I've seen pornos less naughty...

Steve Wozniak -- Everyone keeps talking about how chipper he is.  Of course he's happy. He's a billionaire. Regardless, he seems like a pleasant fellow and I hope America doesn't vote him off.  And, not to be a stickler, but I don't think of entrepreneurs as "celebrities" per se.  I think ABC has taken liberties with the term "celebrity" but I'll take that up directly with the President of Programming.

Chuck Wicks -- ME LIKEY ME LIKEY ME LIKEY. I'm trying to decide who to throw out of my top 5 to make room for him. Yum!  Is his dance partner really his sister? I think I heard that.  If so, creepy  but I've overlooked bigger fatal flaws in bedmates.  Also, I love country music and even though I don't know what he sings or how he sings it did I mention ME LIKEY ME LIKEY ME LIKEY.  Please, America DON'T VOTE HIM OFF.  Also, his dance partner makes me feel like the ugliest woman alive. If they are siblings those are some good genes.  If they're not siblings, and they're not screwing, they should be.

Steve-O -- I thought it was BS they used his practice round to judge, but I don't find him nearly funny as he finds himself so him going home would be fine.  Buh bye.

Lawrence Taylor -- He might kick the shit out of the judges if sent home early so I say we keep him around a while. Although it'd be fun to see one of those uppity male judges with the fake accents get pummeled.

L'il Kim -- Her flack should win Publicist of the Year. From jail to DWTS and she is acting like a lady rather than pasting a sticker on her bare breast.  And she can dance.  It's been some makeover! Does jail do this to everyone and if so, maybe I'll commit a misdemeanor that requires a short stint in the slammer.

Melissa Rycroft aka Jilted Bachelorette-- Jason dumping her was the best thing that ever happened to her. Times 100.  He is so bummed.  Jason's such a media whore he'd love to be dating someone on DWTS. But if he didn't kick her to the curb she wouldn't be on DWTS so it's a chicken and egg thing.  And if he was an egg (rather than a hotdog) he'd be one with a slightly cold runny yolk when you ordered hard-boiled.

Gilles Manini -- Who is this guy?  They said he was on Sex and the City?  I don't like that lady he dances with, the one that got all the guff from the tabloids for gaining weight. She takes herself too seriously. And her boobs are weird.  The female judge seems to have the hots for Gilles but he doesn't do it for me. Then again, I have a thing for Bill Murray so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

That female judge would be way more entertaining if she was on the same mix of meds and cocktails that Paula Abdul is on. She bores me senseless.  How about when she sang "That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh I like it, uh-huh uh-huh" after some dance like she was a wacky, Asian, female KC with a horrid sense of humor? I think that was her trying to be entertaining.  I like her better boring.  Which isn't saying much.

And, no, I didn't get on my phone and vote because then I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror ever again.  Bottom line -- I hope The Jackasss (aka Steve-O) goes home.  Also, the injuries are getting old.  They should threaten that the next person who gets an injury will be taken out to pasture and shot.  I bet Ty Murray would be willing to do it.