I hesitate to write about my obsession with watching Oprah every day, as I have no desire to perpetuate the stay-at-home-mother sitting around watching tv and eating bon bons all day. How did eating bon bons get such a bad rap anyway? What is a bon bon and why is eating them synonymous with living a purposeless life of leisure? I think the bon bon PR people need to step it up a notch.
Regardless, "living my best life" is of utmost concern and how does one do that if one doesn't religiously watch The Opes? So my agitation has been growing with fervor since she instituted Oprah Live each Friday where a panel sits around and discusses current events and such. If that format sounds familiar, that's because The View is already doing it. If I wanted to watch The View, I'd take several vicodin and settle in for an hour of migraine-inducing torture. Oprah's usual panel is Gayle (how much do you think the BFF job pays each year?), Mark Consuelo (married to Kelly Ripa and super annoying) and Ali Wentworth (married to George Stephanopoulos and super duper annoying.)
Today Gayle was MIA. I guess the BFF post comes with ample sick leave. So one of my least favorite people ever, Jenny McCarthy filled in. What is Oprah's fascination with Jenny McCarthy? She's been on the show like 45 times.
So if you don't sit around watching tv all day and can't keep up with Opes, I'll fill you in so you don't live just a mediocre life:
- They spent an inordinate amount of time discussing Oprah's sick dog. The dog and the vet were even Skyped in from the doggie hospital so the vet could go on (ad nauseam) about the puppy's condition. I will admit up front that I am not a dog person. I thought Marley & Me was the dumbest book in the world, and only finished it because I was stuck on a plane and I had already read that month's Southwest Airlines in-flight magazine. Regardless, I think even dog lovers everywhere were like, "Alright already, we get it." Cute dog is sick. Cute dog is in hospital. Cute dog will soon be released back to the accommodations to which it's become accustomed. Sheesh. See, this is the problem when some women don't have children. (Not all, of course, but some.) They start thinking their pets are children. Like that lady who took baths with her orangutan that later mauled her friend.
- Jenny McCarthy admits she gets Botox. Well alert the media!!! She says the key is to "just get a little." I know Botox and she doesn't get just a little. She gets a lot. I wish someone would Botox her vocal chords so she'd stop talking. Jenny is on the cover of some magazine with a big spread inside and Oprah tells her that her boobs are "so perky!" Opes, it's called breast implants. Balloons filled with saline and surgically implanted into one's chest tend to do that. Jenny also says her and Jim Carrey have "great sex." Ewww. I bet he makes all kinds of weird faces. She also says they are very spiritual and serious together. And he dressed like a leprechaun for St. Patty's Day. And then they had great sex. (Okay she didn't say they had sex with him dressed as a leprechaun but I bet they did.) Speaking of Jenny, someone gave me "Belly Laughs" when I was pregnant. It made me want to slit my wrists.
- Mark Consuelo is so not cool. Don't you hate people who aren't funny but try to be funny? I respect unfunny people who know they aren't funny and don't try to be. They develop other skill sets. Like archery. But they don't make lame jokes. Example: Mark asked Jenny if Botox could make him taller. Bahhahhahhaaaa! Not.
- Ali Wentworth asked Jenny if she needed Botox. The answer is yes, but more pressing is her need for a lower blepharoplasty. I'm just sayin'... She doesn't make me want to kill her but I wouldn't want to have a cocktail with her either. She also thinks she's funnier than she is. Maybe being married to a guy as tall as a foot stool does that to a person.
- Just when I was ready to turn off the tv having seen enough of these people, Kelly Clarkson comes out and sings "Because of You." That song makes me bawl. So I'm crying and she suddenly starts singing another song in some kind of montage and now I really am pissed because I wanted to hear the entire "Because of You." Then I went to Whole Foods and considered killing several people. Including myself.
Opes, if you're reading, ditch the long, straight-ish hair. Curly works for you. Go with it. Is Gayle not telling you these things? Hire me! I will tell you the truth! Oh, and while I'm telling you the truth, that lemon yellow sweater was a bit much. I don't think women over 50 can get away with lemon yellow.
If Stefanie of Baby on Bored (funniest woman on Earth) and I can get it together, all of our tv reviews will be in one forum for your viewing pleasure. Or displeasure. Depending on your sense of humor.