Friday, March 13, 2009

Tinkerbell's a Slut


I've been on a mad search for the world's most offensive chair.  Two of them actually.  Oh, don't lecture me on decor, toots.  I've been trying to instill good taste in my children from day one, to no avail. They want this chair and they want it yesterday.  My sisters' kids have them and when we're there my girls sit for hours like (at the risk of dating myself) Archie Bunker while I wait on them hand and foot like Edith. The key is they sit there for hours. 

My search today took me from Target to Kmart to BabiesRUs to Walmart like some crazed discount shopper on amphetamines. I'd never had the pleasure of frequenting a Walmart before today. This was more a factor of Walmart's proximity to my house rather than some kind of highfalutin snobbery.  That was before today. From now on my avoidance will be based solely on snobbery. Which kicked in full force the moment I entered and smelled the foul aroma of Fluky's, Walmart's questionable on-site eatery. It was filled to the brim with people eating lunch.  Who says, "Let's go to lunch. And you know what I feel like today? Fluky's!"  The smell reminded me of those atrocious hot lunches from a grade school cafeteria that you'd sooner trade with someone at your table for a vat of steaming vomit. 

If you want to witness first-hand why America might not be a superpower much longer, one need only visit the Walmart in Niles, Illinois on a random Thursday at noon.  Everyone looks like their parents are first cousins. Or brother and sister. Please don't send me hate mail.  If you shop at Walmart, I'm sure the the one in your neck of the woods is perfectly lovely.   The one, however, in my woods makes me want to fly to Bentonville, Arkansas to Walmart headquarters and give the CEO a swift kick in the ass. (As an aside, what kind of company is located in BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS?  It must be a cult! A cult where you are encouraged to marry members of your nuclear family.)

Upon leaving Walmart empty-handed (the chairs I wanted were sold out, and looking at the clientele I could see why) I high-tailed it to my car trying to calculate how many minutes until I hit Chicago city limits and, ultimately, my shower.  Unfortunately, I took a wrong turn and was closing in on Milwaukee by the time I realized my error.  Intellectually, I know this isn't Walmart's fault. But emotionally, I want to file suit for significant damages:

$30 -- gas
$42 -- three hours of babysitting fees
$300 -- three hours of precious personal time I can never get back 
$1 million -- assault on the senses

So, finally, I'm on my way back and start thinking about the really important things in life. Like why all the Disney fairies and princesses look like whores.  Tinkerbell (I think that's who's on this chair) has a skirt up her ass and is showing cleavage. Who the hell is Tinkerbell trying to impress?  Captain Hook?

So then George Thorogood's Bad to the Bone comes on the radio. And I'm sitting in my car, singing Bad to the Bone at the top of my lungs and pondering what kind of homemade muffins I will make the girls when I get home because we ran out of the Cinnamon Banana Apple Spice this morning and suddenly it occurs to me: WHO AM I? 

I used to have a life. I used to be somewhat interesting. I used to think about things other than muffin-making and the promiscuity of Disney characters.

Now I'm someone who's been running their ass ragged for hours trying to find an abomination of a chair that retails for $24.99, which is about $24.98 too much.  I've had my hair in a ponytail since early 2007. I wear ragged sweatshirts covered with splatters of Yo Baby yogurt.  "Why bother changing?" I often ask myself before leaving the house. (On this particular occasion, it worked out fine. I was the best dressed person in Walmart.)

As I neared my exit, I had this incredible urge to keep driving until I reached the Peninsula hotel downtown, check in under an assumed name and order up some champagne with a cheese plate. Instead I went home and ordered those damn chairs online. 


14 comments:

  1. I had a very similar moment last weekend...

    I am glad you found the chairs on-line. Otherwise, I would be trying to ship them to you from here. Because I understand the mad hunt for something the kids love. (Not that I went out of the house at 6am to get watch batteries for a "new" Littlest Pet Shoppe electronic toy the day after buying it...)

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  2. Oh I love love love this post! Thank GOD someone else out there HATES gross Wal-Mart as much as I do!
    Believe it or not, we were there last night. My 2 young sons have a lot of energy and there is a Wal-Mart close to our house. (And trust me, we live in a very good neighbourhood!) So they just like to go there and run around and I take them to pass some time... hey, it's too cold to do this outside! (Will Spring get here already?) Anyway... seriously, what is with people looking so scary in there? It creeps me out. And yes, the smell. And the lights. Blah!

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  3. I also hate Walmart, and I admit it's snobbery from the get-go. And though I've not been to the specific one in Niles, I have been to Niles recently (my mom's side of the fam is from the 'burbs, save my uncle who lives in the city). They're that bad in Beavercreek, OH too. And worse the farther off in the boonies you get.

    Just go to Target. It may save your life, or at least your sanity.

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  4. I too HATE Walmart! And the Walmart by my house is new and built in a relatively nice area, but there are still such trashy people there. I think they bus them in.

    And while I agree that Tinkerbell's skirt is a little too short, I like my daughter watching her as opposed to the Disney Princesses. A. she has a job. B. she doesn't need no stickin' man to make her "complete"

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  5. I have 3 boyz, so we're not well acquainted with the Disney Princesses in the Trenches. Thankfully.

    But we do own those types of chairs in a lovely SpongeBob pattern and a Thomas the Train print. Hideous.

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  6. Oh, Wal-Mart, how I hate you. There is a Target much nearer to us than the nearest Wal-Mart, and that's the biggest reason that I go to Target much more often. The other reasons are: Everyone in Wal-Mart always looks either mad or sad and I don't even want to know why; the smell and overall stale air are a little overwhelming; and I just hate to be a person who shops at Wal-Mart, to tell the truth, though I'm okay with being a person who spends embarrassing amounts of money at Target.

    I completely understand the need to get that specific ridiculous kid thing. I'm one of those people who does insane amounts of research online before buying the most mundane things, like sippy cups, and then becomes obsessed with getting that particular one. I've wasted a lot of time and energy tracking down specific items. (And since I always have the kids with me, the trip ends up costing five times as much as I would have spent online, with all the $1 crap that I get roped into buying. And I wonder why we have so much stupid stuff!)

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  7. walmart's disgusting. you are hilarious

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  8. I think I love you. Seriously.

    Love, Stef's Bitch

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  9. This was soooooo funny. I'm a first time visitor. Thanks for this post. The Walmart near me does not have a Fluky's but it sounds absolutely gross.

    Glad you found the chairs. Makes me feel normal that I'm not the only one spending hours looking for the perfect items for my kids.

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  10. I HATE Wal-Mart. I can't even drive by without a shudder running through my body. I would also like to add to your assessment of their clientele that the average weight is somewhere north of 300. Yeah, it's a beauty pageant in there.

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  11. I couldn't get past the 14 dollars an hour for a babysitter thing. Holy crap! Please, hire me.

    Nice post BTW. Hilarious!

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  12. You are very funny. My kid is obsessed with Tinkerbell and I've had my hair in a pony tail for years. I've never gone to Wal-mart without witnessing some altercation between shoppers.

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  13. this is about walmart? thought this was about slutty disney characters!

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  14. Just saw the movie and couldn't believe it.
    There is a part when she makes her new outfit and flies down ...the legs were just coming down and for a sec I thought she will have only bikini bottoms or thongs.. :). My girlfriend thought I am crazy but when I rewinded it and she started not only watching but seeing the movie she thought so too. I swear she had some upskirt moments in the movie.. Why a Disney car. has to have a high cut mini skirt? She looks like a girl on the street selling quick love... great sample for little girls to follow... Well you have to train them early for those GGW photos/videos.
    Too bad those could/will come back 5-10 yrs later for a bite...

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