Yowza! I've never seen an ass-shaking on a heterosexual man the likes of Gilles Marini's on Monday night's DWTS. Lest you think he's taken Chuck Wicks' place in my heart, hell no. Foreign men make me uncomfortable. Especially the French. Further observations:
- Denise Richards: According to very complex mathematical equations involving square footage between her eyes, I've determined she's three-quarters Alien, one-quarter Earthling. Can the other planet from which she originates please come claim her? The Brazilian Wandering Spider last spotted at a Whole Foods in Oklahoma apparently wandered to LA and landed on her eyelids. Or were those fake eyelashes? Yuk. Please America! I beg of you. SEND. HER. HOME.
- Chuck Wicks: Why don't Chuck and Julianne Hough immediately marry, have babies and live happily ever after for the next five years until they discover they hate each other like the rest of us mere mortals with kids? I won't even begrudge them several years of bliss. They are so cute I don't even want to sleep with Chuck behind Julianne's back.
- Holly Madison: Anyone else sick of the boob jokes with Holly? Her boobs are as fake as the rest of her face. I mean, vote her off or get over it. See the before and after photo here. PLEASE SEND ME THE NAME OF HER PLASTIC SURGEON STAT. Did you see Holly and Denise tittering to each other in the background later on the show? What do you think they were saying. "Who did your boobs? They look great!" "Oh, so do yours!" How many cc's total do you think are on this show between Holly, Denise and Li'l Kim? Anyone I'm missing?
- Melissa Rycroft: Carrie Ann is so jealous of Melissa she can't contain herself. She slammed her with pleas of she "just wants to see her challenge herself" and "something's not right but I just can't put my finger on it..." Um, right. I liked Melissa's "Die bitch" look in response. And then Carrie Ann gives her a "9." I hate Carrie Ann almost as much as Denise Richards. Notice how she always says something completely unfunny and then laughs herself silly? Example: "Two thumbs up! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Is "two thumbs up" a punch line with which I am unfamiliar?
- David Alan Grier: I am flying to LA tomorrow and assaulting him with a razor. I can't take him seriously with the mustache. I'll bring my scissors too and chop Carrie Ann's bangs so she can stop her hijinks with the roller in them.
- Steve-O: I am no longer rooting against Steve-O. I'm fickle like that. But I am getting sick of his gimpiness. Hurt again? You lit yourself on fire once, didn't you? And you can't handle a little shutterbugging and such? Wuss.
- Gilles Marini: I finally figured out who the hell he is. He is Kim Cattrall's hot neighbor a in the Sex and the City movie. I did like Bruno calling him "a throbbing red hot poker." Speaking of which, I wish someone would shove one of those up Carrie Ann's ass. She's one of those women who doesn't like other women. Like when she basically called Gilles' partner Cheryl Burke a lazy ass who finally got off her duff because she has a hot dance partner. Did you know Carrie Ann played Fook Yu in Austin Power's Gold Member film? Fook Yu, Carrie Ann!!!!
- Lawrence Taylor: This man can dance. And I bet he can do a few other things well too, if ya know what I mean. Wink wink. Seriously, his and Gilles were my favorite dances of the evening. Don't tell Chuck.
- Steve Wozniak: I suspect he'll be going home unless America has more of a sense of humor than I give them credit for. Although HE has a sense of humor... I read he's dating Kathy Griffin!!!??? Someone please confirm or deny.
- Ty Murray: Ty, I'd like to give you a phone number. No, not mine. 1-800-DENTIST. Do they have no dentists where he and Jewel live??? That said, I like him. He seems swell.
- Shawn Johnson: They need to stop putting makeup on her to make her look like a 40-year-old mother of ten. She looked like a perfectly cute 17-year-old in the practice session clips and then she comes on stage looking like she's on her way to a PTA meeting from the neck up and a brothel from the neck down.
- L'il Kim: Did you notice all the "F@#% me" faces she was making while dancing? Just when I thought she emerged from jail a lady...
Who do you think will be the first to have a wardrobe malfunction? I hope when it happens whoever's boob pops out hits Carrie Ann in the head rendering her comatose until the season ends. Then, Paula Abdul, drugged to high heaven, fills in. That is my dream. I know, I dream big.