Monday, March 23, 2009

Oprah Wears Unflattering Sweater, Man Gives Advice to Run Off Other Men

Oh dear ladies.  I do hope you missed Oprah today if you are single. Because if you didn't, you'll forever remain single.  Which is actually fine. Perhaps single is better. But if you tuned in today to hear good advice on man-capturing, you'd be well advised to de-program.  Enjoy the preview here.

Steve Harvey, comedian turned advice-giver and self proclaimed "manliness expert," suggests asking men the following five questions SOME OF THEM ON THE FIRST DATE. I'm not even sure I've asked my husband the following questions:
  • What are your short-term goals?
  • What are your long-term goals?
  • How do you view relationships?
  • What do you think of me?
  • How do you feel about me?
I suppose you ask those and then marry the first guy that hasn't excused himself to go the restroom and never comes back.  Regardless, several women who apparently have never looked in the mirror start listing all of their requirements in a man: handsome, rich, well-mannered, church-going, God-fearing, fire-breathing and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  WHY HAVEN'T THEY FOUND HIM??? 

In all fairness, Steve is a very entertaining fellow who makes some good points.  Not original ones, mind you. Like keep your standards, respect yourself blah blah blah.  He also says you can't sleep with a man before 90 days. 90 DAYS???  A twist on the why-buy-the-milk-when-you-can-get-the-cow-for-free theory, I suppose. Well, Steve, I've milked the cow, drank the milk, gotten engaged and returned the cow in less time. We don't have months upon months to sit around acting prim and proper just for a little respect, Steve! Sheesh.

Opes, you have a man. That tall, cool drink of water called Stedman. But that doesn't mean you can go on national television wearing an ill-fitting orange (or is that red?) cowl-neck sweater.  I tell you this only because while you help me live my best life, I want to help you live yours. And that sweater has no place in anyone's best life. 

So tomorrow is something about Dr. Oz.  Zzzzzzzzz. B-O-R-I-N-G. I don't like the Dr. Oz-centric ones -- he displays intestines and innards and such. They are located inside our bodies where nobody can see them for a reason.  Therefore, my entire analysis might have to be on what Oprah is wearing...

More important: I get to see Chuck Wicks dance tonight!  I think he should be given $1 billion of the stimulus bailout money. Just for being him. I don't think he needs a bailout nor would it provide stimulus but I think he needs to know how much America appreciates him. It can go under the "Beautification of America" line item.   Obama people, are you listening???!!!!


  1. HAHAHA! I've been reading your blog for a while and thought this entry deserved my first comment. I just finished watching my Tivo'd Oprah and good lord, how ridiculous. Since when did Steve Harvey become a relationship expert, for christ's sake?! Also, did you see the part about the woman who was committed to remaining a virgin until marriage but was also fine with "receiving" oral sex? And her question was if she had to wait 90 days for it?!
    My god. I'm looking forward to Wednesday's episode which seems to be about otherwise heterosexual women suddenly becoming lesbians? Or something.
    Also, Chuck Wicks? Yum.

  2. 90 days, are you serious? Is that some sort of bench-mark? If he hasn't gotten into your pants by then, are you suppose to reward him with a cookie or something?

  3. Steve Harvey = relationship advice FAIL

  4. OK, your cow analogy, especially written from a woman's perspective, makes me both gag and giggle a little. I think that's a compliment.

  5. i stumbled onto your blog because ali wentworth's bags disturbed me so much yesterday, i began googling to find out if she were sick before i talked bad about her. however, now that i'm here, i can't leave! love your oprah show observations!!!