Saturday, March 21, 2009

Can I Read You My Grocery List?

So I go to Whole Foods yesterday and call my husband at work to tell him what I bought. Because he's fascinated by everything I do.  I mean, don't you wish I called you to read my grocery list aloud? So about halfway down the list is bananas and he stops me and says there was a deadly spider found at Whole Foods in the banana section in Oklahoma.  This, I suppose, was meant to alarm me and possibly discourage me from calling him at work to discuss purchased food items.

It's called the Brazilian Wandering Spider.  Fitting name for a spider that wandered to Oklahoma from Brazil. Apparently one of the symptoms of being bitten by this particular spider is AN ERECTION THAT WON'T GO AWAY. It's like nature-induced Cialis.  Except you die. Presumably before you get to use it. Which is kind of sad.

I hate Whole Foods anyway so this gives me good ammunition besides just not liking the freaks that shop there. And work there.  I break out in hives during check out because I forget if they'd rather you choose paper or plastic. One overly pierced fellow seemed pissed I wanted a bag at all. Environmentalists make me very nervous. If you are an environmentalist, please note: I DO NOT print out my blog posts.  I'm saving trees! I come in peace! Please don't skin me alive to save the whales!

Many times I have thought about storming the Whole Foods headquarters in Austin, Texas and demanding to speak to the Vice President of Gouging Customers. Why, for example, do they charge $1.33 more for the the Earth's Best Cereal Bars than Jewel does, I'd inquire.  And why 50 cents more for the same brand of organic milk?  All for the pleasure of possibly being attacked by the world's ugliest spider? Remind me to revive my grocery store phobia that my husband seems to have purposely exacerbated with stories of globe-trotting poisonous insects.


  1. I call it Whole Paycheck.

    (Bahhahhahhaaaa! Not.)


  2. I heard those spiders will jump onto you. Why is this? Why would they jump out and attack you when all you're trying to do is buy a nice little bunch of forty dollar bananas? Fuck those spiders.

  3. I went to Costa Rica a few years back and we went to a banana farm. They said they have quite a few pickers die every year (in the whole country, not just that one farm) from spider bites. I've been afraid of bananas since then.