Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Jason The Bachelor is a Weenie

Jillian's hot dog theory suddenly doesn't seem so asinine because it allows me to categorize Jason:  A lone bland undercooked weenie contaminated with bacteria.  No condiments. No bun. The kind that if you ate it at a barbecue you'd be clinging to the toilet all night, retching in pain and asking God to put you out of your misery.  

Okay, let's not all waste too much precious breath discussing this embarrassment, but a few points.  Disclaimer:  I only watched one episode -- The Girls Tell All --  before the finale(s). I know very little about the season, yet, I feel entitled to comment:
  • ABC, why New Zealand? According to my calculations, you flew Jason, Ty, Melissa, Molly, 30 members of Jason's family, Chris Harrison, various crew members and DEANNA (?????) half way around the world when I think the Caribbean or Mexico would have been sufficient. Do you not realize we're in the midst of a recession?
  • What exactly does it take for the fine Child Protective Services people of Seattle to terminate parental rights for a father? 
  • Molly is TWENTY-FOUR.  Did you get a good gander at her?  Imagine what this chick will look like at 40??? Not aging well alert!  Also, does she have that unfortunate bug-eyed disease whose correct diagnostic name escapes me?
  • I love that Jason said to Melissa: "You have every right to be irritated."  Irritated?  IRRITATED???  Every right to be homicidal maybe.
  • Did DeAnna look like road kill or was it me?  What did that generously-nasaled Jesse freak do to her?  She looks like she's been bludgeoned by a two-by-four.
  • Didn't you love that "what was about to happen was so intimate, so surprising..." that they couldn't have a live studio audience for After the Final Rose? I mean, what did they think would happen?  Melissa supporters would throw raw hot dogs at Jason and Molly as they (inappropriately) swapped spit on stage moments after Jason dumps Melissa?  
  • How much money should Jason be putting aside for Ty's future therapy or bail for serial murder?  I think $1 million is a conservative estimate.
  • Can't wait for Jason and Molly's wedding!!! Not. Hopefully Molly turns into a Mary and starts hitting the bars and sucker punching Jason when she realizes he'll never marry her.
Of course Melissa will be the next bachelorette. She's hotter than Jillian and has a bigger sob story so ABC will pick her. She could throw a dart at the first rose ceremony and whoever it hits will be a step up from Jason.  I wrote all of this from the shower, by the way. I don't plan to emerge until third quarter 2010 as I think it will take that long to feel clean again.  

Ty, I would adopt you but frankly you freak me out plus I already have two children with future behavioral problems on my hands...


  1. I love you!!!

    This was awesome!

  2. I'm not sure the Bachelor is even being aired over here in New Zealand yet. I just want to point out that NZ is GREAT VALUE at the moment, even if it's on the other side of the world. It's two for one. The Kiwi dollar is so weak. And NZ is beautiful. Come visit. That doesn't sound too desperate for your U.S. tourist dollars, does it? No, don't run away! Call me!

  3. Do you think that ABC will foot the bill for Ty's therapy? They are atleast partly responsible because it was on national television.

  4. I think Deanna was eating away her pain. Did you see those thunder thighs coming out of that car? Could've used a better camera angle, people.

  5. That hot dog photo summed it up nicely. But you outdid yourself with the "not aging well alert!" I'm still laughing. And I'm 40...2.

  6. SO funny. As I was reading, I was thinking, "I love her." And then I saw that was the first comment. LOL Seriously. I do!