Friday, March 27, 2009

JT -- Bringing Sexy Back to Chicago (NOT!)

It's been irritating me to no end that Opes has been Skype-ing in guests.  However, for Thursday's show, it was with good reason: Most the guests can't leave their houses without a crane.  I don't have much to say about yesterday's show. I enjoy making fun of people who weigh 90 pounds, not 900.  But I will say this:  Opes' peeps clearly heard me on the "curly hair" advice.  I wonder if there is a job opportunity for me in that realm. I could be the Vice President of Hair and all it entails is every morning saying to her stylist:  "Curly!" Day after day, morning after morning, I will drive to Harpo Studios, utter the directive "Curly!" and return home. Before my girls even wake up.  That's worth a good 100k don't you think?

So, I must admit I have never heard a Justin Timberlake song. I'm not even convinced he sings. And I don't find him remotely attractive.  Imagine my despair when I turned on Oprah's ill-conceived Friday's Live this morning and discovered JT was on as advertised, but not filling in for Mark Consuelo as I had assumed.  Which immediately put me in a bad mood. I don't want to spend an hour with Mark, not even a second with Mark.  Sigh. But I lumbered through so I could provide an update to you people not fortunate enough to be able to watch Oprah at whim:
  • Why does Ali Wentworth always look like she hasn't slept in a month?  And that's after Oprah's makeup team has had its way with her. Imagine what George Stephanoupolus wakes up to every morning. Anyway, she broke her toe or something while getting a bowl of cereal in the middle of the night. She thinks this is hysterical.
  • Mark just spent spring break with his kids sans Kelly. He said Kelly "got her spring break schedule screwed up."  Read here: Kelly is as sick of Mark as the rest of America and wanted the house to herself (and possibly her boyfriend) for the week.  Mark took the kids to DisneyWorld. He said it "was magical." Really. He said that.  
  • Oprah's hair is straight again. She really does need a Vice President of Hair. "Curly!"
  • Oprah was showing some bosom in an unflattering pink ensemble. Granted, it's hard to contain those suckers.  
  • Please explain to me what's good looking about JT. Anyone? Bueller? He also dated the dumbest woman alive, Cameron Diaz.  I do admit I love Dick in a Box.  Oh wait, I do know one of his songs!  And he can be very funny.  CAN BE. He wasn't today.
  • Gayle's heard of Dick in a Box. But she called it Thing in a Box.  Tee hee.
  • Have I mentioned Ali Wentworth isn't funny? Like remotely. She tries like a bastard, but she's terrible. She said she'd write something funny for JT. Umm, Ali, we'll believe that when we see it. 
  • Ali wants to have sex with Justin.  She's acting like a giddy schoolgirl (one who's not aging well and is in dire need of medical intervention).
  • JT loves golf. He adores dogs. He's designing clothes or something now. Bored yet? Me too. 
  • Ali models some of Justin's clothes line and makes a bigger ass of herself than usual. Literally and figuratively. She's insufferable. She shoves her butt into JT. I am regurgitating bon bons.  
  • We haven't had enough of Steve Harvey! He's back via Skype!   Because a roundtrip ticket from Atlanta to Chicago costs $200 and apparently Opes is on a budget.   He uses the term "butt hole."  Tee hee.
  • Ali has been married for seven years. She asks Steve how to keep her man.  Bring out the teddy?  Cook more? I can answer that: Shut the f@#$ up, Ali. 
  • Oprah reveals she rarely watches her own shows. A-HA MOMENT ALERT!  That's why she sometimes wears her hair straight!
I'm hoping next Friday Opes decides to Skype in Mark and Ali but there are technical difficulties.  Is there anyone who likes Ali?  Aside from her husband and kids?  And even that's a stretch.  You didn't missed ANYTHING today. This show KEPT me from my best life, not helped me achieve it.  Going to go slice my head off with a dull butter knife which should be more fun than the last hour.  


  1. I thought JT was gay? Or am I thinking of the wrong boy band metrosexual?

  2. Seriously, I thank God for you. Because now I never have to watch another Oprah friday again. Good thing you're a few time zones away so you can fill me in ahead of time.

  3. I love Justin Timberlake. Love his music and dancing. I don't think he's particularly hot. But that picture is troubling.

  4. My God - you are SO right about Ali Wentworth - she bites! Tries way too hard, but is unbearably unfunny. How do we convince Oprah to get rid of her? And Mark while she's at it. Or may this whole Fridays Live with Oprah and people not anywhere near Oprah's caliber!

  5. I couldn't stop staring at those bags under her eyes! I watched for all of 15 minutes and then changed the show. It seemed more like a JT interview than a panel discussion about "issues". And, FYI, glasses don't make me take you more seriously, JT.

  6. WSM: The gay one is Lance Bass--at least the one we know about. :)

    ITA about the curly hair.

  7. what about how Oprah obviously can't stand Ali? she always stares at her like she has no idea what she's talking about

  8. Thank goodness there are others out there who hate Ali Wentworth. I find her annoying, unfunny, disingenuous, and perpetually hungover with big bags under her eyes. There MUST be another much more deserving comedienne out there for Oprah to celebrate. Come on! Wentworth tries too hard to be funny/she lacks the self-effacing charm of Ellen or most female comics; she's just flat out awful..can't stand her..If I know she's on the show, I don't watch.