So, I must admit I have never heard a Justin Timberlake song. I'm not even convinced he sings. And I don't find him remotely attractive. Imagine my despair when I turned on Oprah's ill-conceived Friday's Live this morning and discovered JT was on as advertised, but not filling in for Mark Consuelo as I had assumed. Which immediately put me in a bad mood. I don't want to spend an hour with Mark, not even a second with Mark. Sigh. But I lumbered through so I could provide an update to you people not fortunate enough to be able to watch Oprah at whim:
- Why does Ali Wentworth always look like she hasn't slept in a month? And that's after Oprah's makeup team has had its way with her. Imagine what George Stephanoupolus wakes up to every morning. Anyway, she broke her toe or something while getting a bowl of cereal in the middle of the night. She thinks this is hysterical.
- Mark just spent spring break with his kids sans Kelly. He said Kelly "got her spring break schedule screwed up." Read here: Kelly is as sick of Mark as the rest of America and wanted the house to herself (and possibly her boyfriend) for the week. Mark took the kids to DisneyWorld. He said it "was magical." Really. He said that.
- Oprah's hair is straight again. She really does need a Vice President of Hair. "Curly!"
- Oprah was showing some bosom in an unflattering pink ensemble. Granted, it's hard to contain those suckers.
- Please explain to me what's good looking about JT. Anyone? Bueller? He also dated the dumbest woman alive, Cameron Diaz. I do admit I love Dick in a Box. Oh wait, I do know one of his songs! And he can be very funny. CAN BE. He wasn't today.
- Gayle's heard of Dick in a Box. But she called it Thing in a Box. Tee hee.
- Have I mentioned Ali Wentworth isn't funny? Like remotely. She tries like a bastard, but she's terrible. She said she'd write something funny for JT. Umm, Ali, we'll believe that when we see it.
- Ali wants to have sex with Justin. She's acting like a giddy schoolgirl (one who's not aging well and is in dire need of medical intervention).
- JT loves golf. He adores dogs. He's designing clothes or something now. Bored yet? Me too.
- Ali models some of Justin's clothes line and makes a bigger ass of herself than usual. Literally and figuratively. She's insufferable. She shoves her butt into JT. I am regurgitating bon bons.
- We haven't had enough of Steve Harvey! He's back via Skype! Because a roundtrip ticket from Atlanta to Chicago costs $200 and apparently Opes is on a budget. He uses the term "butt hole." Tee hee.
- Ali has been married for seven years. She asks Steve how to keep her man. Bring out the teddy? Cook more? I can answer that: Shut the f@#$ up, Ali.
- Oprah reveals she rarely watches her own shows. A-HA MOMENT ALERT! That's why she sometimes wears her hair straight!
I'm hoping next Friday Opes decides to Skype in Mark and Ali but there are technical difficulties. Is there anyone who likes Ali? Aside from her husband and kids? And even that's a stretch. You didn't missed ANYTHING today. This show KEPT me from my best life, not helped me achieve it. Going to go slice my head off with a dull butter knife which should be more fun than the last hour.