Rules for a Happy Marriage 101

There are a lot of books out there about the key to a happy marriage, mostly geared toward women because men are too stupid to know their marriage is in trouble until the divorce papers are delivered and we're already living with our new boyfriends. Save your money, ladies! It comes down to several crucial points, and by happiness I mean your happiness, the only kind that counts:

1. Marry someone substantially less good looking than you are. I say marry at least three points below yourself -- this minimizes the chance he'll cheat on you or leave you for the au pair. For example, if you're a ten, marry a seven. If you're a seven, marry a four. If you're a one or a two you'll have to get a little creative. In that case I suggest marrying a man who is incapacitated and can't leave the house without your assistance. Like one of those 800-pound people who need a crane to get up.  Or maybe someone in jail so you'll know where he is at all times.  We need only look at Hollywood to understand this rule.  Name one romantic comedy where the leading man was better looking than his co-star. I'll save you the trouble - you can't. Think When Harry Met Sally.  And look at Jennifer Aniston.  Where did marrying a guy equal or better looking get her?  Exactly.

2. Give him very little sex and only when you want something.  You don't have caviar and Cristal every night, do you?  Then why should he?  It should be a special occasion.  Like when  you want a $500 pair of shoes. Or a weekend in Aruba with your girlfriends.  Never ever do it just for free.  If you indulge him too often he'll come to expect it.  Like it's your marital obligation. He should be oh-so-very grateful you bestowed your loveliness on him.  Remember, you are way better looking than he is, he should be happy he gets to have sex with you at all. Also, don't do anything beyond the basics of what's required if you know what I mean. Save any special tricks for when you want that Tiffany's 10th anniversary band or similar.

3. He should be terrified of you.  If he's not constantly walking on eggs shells, your marriage is in peril. He should think that at any moment, with very little provocation, you could leave him. It's best if he believes you are so irrational that you'd give up everything the two of you built together because, for example, he left some dirty dishes in the sink.  If he's currently not deathly afraid of you: a) Start randomly and outrageously flirting with men who are uglier and poorer than he is. This demonstrates you could leave him at any time for anybody, not just some successful handsome dude. b) Make him think you are a bit unbalanced. You should bring your own special brand of crazy, but as an example: call him at work 45 times in one day. Pick a different thing to yell at him about in each phone call, preferably unimportant, minor offenses that didn't really bother you in the first place.  Mention things he did years earlier and even make some up.  When he starts letting your calls go right to voicemail, leave him a perfectly pleasant message about your dinner reservations this weekend and tell him you miss him.  The key, really, is to act perfectly sane 99.9 % of the time. You don't want him to divorce you, just to keep him anxious and nervous at all times because he knows what you're capable of the other 0.1%. At some point, he will suggest you visit a psychiatrist. Don't let this deter you -- it means the plan is working!  

4. Strip him of every shred of self-esteem he has.  Never compliment him. Except maybe once a year on his birthday or something. And even then make it about you like "You must be a really great guy to have landed me." If he starts thinking he's special, he may start looking around at other women.  He should believe that if not for you, he'd be living in his mother's basement.  Alone. Except for a bunch of ferrets.

Maybe I can combine the SAHM 101 class with the Happy Marriage 101 class and offer some kind of a discount...