Wednesday, February 18, 2009

No Way Jose'!!!

I spent the better part of the morning in a verbal altercation with a three-year-old monster named Emma at this crummy playroom that did not blare Madonna like this one for my listening pleasure. I am, by the way, not changing Emma's name to protect her identity.  She should learn now that behaving in an unbecoming manner could make her blogosphere fodder and to shape up.  Emma (I wish I knew her last name) was playing in one of those obtrusive plastic houses when one of my kids (who is much cuter than Emma) started looking in the window and waving in a very friendly, adorable manner.  Emma storms over to the window and shouts, "Leave me alone!  Go away! Go play on the slide!" And my (have I mentioned adorable?) child starts crying with her precious little lip trembling with hurt feelings.  I very nicely said, "She can play here too. Let's share."  And Emma screamed, at the top of her lungs, "NOOOOO WAY JOSE'!!!"  And slammed the window shut. In our faces. I shoved it back open and told her that yes, my daughter can in fact play there and that she wasn't being a very nice little girl.  And then:

Emma: She cannot!
Me: She can too!
Emma: Cannot!
Me: Can too!
Emma: Cannot!
Me: She can too you little brat!  

I looked around to see if there'd be any witnesses if I pinched Emma really hard and wondered who this Damien reincarnation belonged to. Just then an alarmingly skinny platinum blonde reading Self magazine looked up and said, "Emma, play nice" and went back to her magazine, hopefully to an article listing the warning signs of anorexia.  Later Emma climbed up on some tall bookshelf and while one of the workers saved Emma's life her mother sat nearby filing horrendously long nails and laughing hysterically like a hyena on her cell phone to presumably the funniest person alive.

This episode made me realize if I don't lighten up I'll become like that crazy-ass nanny in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle when she goes to the school to confront the bully and threatens to rip his f-ing head off if he doesn't leave the kid alone.  And that maybe Emma was just sick of being ignored by a lady who was but one carrot stick away from death.  And that very few people can pull off platinum blonde hair.

PS -- Is pinching a child a crime?  If so, misdemeanor or felony?  Just checking.

PSS -- Did you know Rebecca DeMornay used to live with -- and perhaps even sleep with -- Tom Cruise?


  1. Oh boy! You reaction sounds bang on though - I am sure I'd do the same in your situation! What a brat!

  2. Wow.. I am not sure how old your daughter is but, I don't think I would have had to get involved. Any one of my girls would have punched the kid in the face and I would have to apology to Ms. Wonder-stick

  3. I don't have kids, but my fiance does so I'm about to join the ranks of Step-Mom's everywhere.

    You, my dear, are flipping hilarious.

    Keep it coming.

  4. This is why I don't like other people's kids. Plus they smell funny.

    Let me know the verdict on pinching.

  5. thank you thank you tank you, you crazy lady

  6. Poor Emma. Yours was probably the most adult attention she'd had all day.