Happy Valentines Day, people! I hope you got something good. I got bupkis. I need to rethink my Valentine's Day stance. I guess I could pull a "you don't even know me!" crying fit with crocodile tears the size of gumdrops so from here on out I get lots of stuff each year. (Is it rude to ask for cash?) The best part is he'll be completely confused because in the six Valentine's Days we've been together I've only displayed utter disdain for this holiday. It's a perfect plan. I'll bring on the crazy later tonight.
Regardless, I thought it was a good occasion to list the types of men to avoid so you can learn from my mistakes without actually ever having to change the locks or file a restraining order. You're welcome.
1) He declares himself the "mayor" of a particular drinking establishment. Ladies, this is a clue that he will be at said drinking establishment his every waking hour hitting on waitresses in itsy bitsy short shorts. I informed this particular fellow that being a mayor is actually a part-time job in some cities in a gentle attempt to pry him out of what I would describe as a dingy Irish pub with the charm of a leprechaun suffering from that human flesh-eating disease. I'd provide a link to it but suffice to say if they don't have the money to have their bathrooms cleaned, web design fees certainly aren't in the budget. This charmer also informed me I could be "taller and younger" but he "loved me anyway." (For the record I was 32 at the time and he was 33. I stand 5 feet, 4 inches tall.) If you do hook up with the mayor of a venue, might I recommend it at least be of a classy piano bar or such where the choices of wine aren't limited to "red or white."
2) He's fired while living with you and somehow forgets to mention it. It took me more than two months to catch on, but when I did I suggested (very nicely) that I couldn't be expected to support us both on my nonprofit salary. He countered that I used a lot of paper towels and we could save some money if I wasn't so wasteful. He didn't need a job, people! I just needed to limit my use of paper products.
3) He uses the word "entrepreneur" 45 times in the course of a two-hour date. I went on one date with the entrepreneur. I got it when he mentioned he was an entrepreneur the first time so I'm not sure why he felt it bore repeating. Does the Guinness Book of World Records keep track of such things? I started counting on the third reference as I decided to play my own little drinking game to make the date more interesting. We went to this place where I chugged about 7 margaritas to ease the pain. He drank water. I'm not sure what annoyed me more, his starting every other sentence with "Well, as an entrepreneur..." or his sobriety. He didn't drink Sunday through Thursday nights I was told because he "worked out every weekday morning since as an entrepreneur it was important to keep his energy levels up." If you don't drink during the week DON'T DATE DURING THE WEEK.
4) He sleeps with half your sorority while dating you. And it's not that he wouldn't have slept with the other half, they just had better taste than the rest of us. I'm not sure how to elaborate on this. Just don't date this person. Especially for four years.
5) He tells you he is "a cold-hearted bastard who has never been in love." On the first night of your Caribbean vacation. Paid for by your employer. (See, this is the type of information I would have liked either ahead of time or after the trip.)
6) His credit is such that you sign the apartment lease alone. I suggest avoiding this type of guy, but the good news is if you get suckered in it's easier to evict him when he gets fired and rather than seeking viable employment starts counting paper towels. (He was such a catch he garners two mentions...)
Okay, hopefully my husband isn't out getting me a gift as I'm excited to pull a Glenn Close. "I won't be IGNORED, Dan."