Jessica Simpson Loses It! (Not the Weight, Her Sanity)

Just when I thought nothing interesting would ever happen again in Hollywood and I'd have to resort to writing about boring crap forever like my life, fatty fatty boom boom Jessica Simpson has a mental breakdown on stage. Yippee! This must be how Greta Van Susteran feels when a cute toddler or fetching college coed goes missing.

So apparently Jessica couldn't remember the words to her songs and melted down in front of a live audience and had to leave the stage early (is this a genetic condition?).   But not before she announced - MID PERFORMANCE -- how much she loved and missed Tony Romo.  Has she not read The Rules, the bible of husband-hunting ?  There are rules Jessica!  Like, "never call a man and rarely return his calls." Oh, and, my personal favorite, "be a creature unlike any other."  (What does that mean???)  I think the point is, if you're not even supposed to return a man's calls, I'm certain proclaiming your undying devotion in a public forum before making an embarrassing hasty exit is a definite no-no.

OMG -- do you remember that one of the psychopaths who wrote The Rules wound up being left by her husband just when she was coming out with Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work?  She then sued her cosmetic dentist for the breakdown of her marriage. Like men leave their wives because they don't like their veneers?Don't you think it was more likely he was sick of his wife not returning his calls?  (Her cosmetic dentist was the same one who did Hilary Duff's mouth.  Seriously. So maybe she had a point.) 

So, let's end with my all-time favorite Jessica quote -- and it has nothing to do with chicken or tuna or the sea:

"I respect the knowledge of the psyche. I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer." -- Jessica Simpson

Wait. Do you hear that?  It's the collective sigh of relief from all of us who have had, or will some day need, psychological intervention. Can you imagine being desperately in need of counsel and walking in to see JESSICA SIMPSON sitting there?  

(PS -- Dear Reader, I hope we know each other well enough by now that it goes without saying I don't actually think Jessica is fat.  I am facetiously commenting on the irony of what the media considers fat in our society. I do hope we don't have to have further disclaimers on such issues in the future.)