Here are the five celebrities that scare me most and why:
1) Daniel Craig. It's not because he is frightening. Lord have mercy no! He scares me because of what I might to do him if we ever met. I bet the unsolicited licking of someone's face and torso is a crime of some sort. And the worst part is, he'd probably be offended when I was really just trying to be friendly.
2) Uma Thurman. I know giraffes who are sexier. But the reason she scares me is this quote: "Desperation is the perfume of the young actor. It's so satisfying to have gotten rid of it. If you keep smelling it, it can drive you crazy." I always wondered why she married Ethan Hawke. Now we know! They sat around spewing pseudo-philosophical crazy-ass shit to each other all day because nobody else wanted to talk to them.
3) Denise Richards. It is, in fact, so not complicated. Why doesn't she just take the handsome settlement from Charlie Sheen and move to Idaho to raise her girls like Demi Moore did? Now dance-lovers everywhere will be tortured by her during what should be fun family television. (What do you want to bet she sleeps with her dancing partner - if he likes girls - and several judges?)
4) Sharon Stone. Please tell me she didn't really want to Botox her son's feet? Anybody? Please? (And what is she doing in this photo? Anybody? Please?)
5) Kelly Ripa. I'm no doctor, but don't you think her Prozac prescription is too strong? Like maybe if it's halved she'll still be abnormally upbeat but not psychotically overjoyed? I understand why she's so cheery... pretty, great job, rich. And that pip squeak she's married to seems really nice. But TAKE. IT. DOWN. A. NOTCH. Please.