Hugh Jackass Ruins Academy Awards

Let me start by quoting Penelope Cruz (without the accent): This will take more than 45 seconds, I can tell you that right now.  I should tell you up front that: a) I did not see even one movie nominated for an award; and b) I didn't even watch the whole thing.  This in no way disqualifies me from the following commentary, as I bet each of the Academy members can boast the same thing.

• Notice when Jennifer Aniston was on stage with Jack Black that the cameraman panned to Brad and Angie?  I wish Angie was mouthing "bitch" to Brad at that very moment. The Academy producer should have told her to do that as if it was part of a funny little script but it really wasn't.  WHY AM I NOT A PRODUCER???  (As an aside, 40-year-old women should never wear a braid atop their heads.  Especially when they will be two feet in front of their ex-husband and the wench who stole said husband. I'm just sayin'...)
• Need it be said Hugh Jackman will not only never be invited back as a host, he might not be invited back as anything. Ever.  If that guy is the Sexiest Man Alive, I am the incarnate of Cleopatra.  Bring back Billy Crystal or Steve Martin (yum).  Stat.
• Did you see the hot and very young little number Virginia Madsen walked the red carpet with?  She is the celebrity spokesmodel for Botox (really she is) and I'd say it's working! Botox should have a new campaign that each new injectee gets herself a little 20-something to take home for a night. WHY AM I NOT A MARKETER???
• I almost missed Sarah Jessica Parker's ridiculous ensemble because I was up on the tv screen trying to french Daniel Craig. But when I was pried off, Sarah Jessica's boobs nearly came through the tv and hit me in the forehead.  When did her breasts get so mammoth and buoyant?  Is she trying to convince Matthew Broderick not to leave her? I would suggest donning a Nathan Lane mask instead...
• Was the Academy not told that Mickey Rourke's dog died this week?  The dog he called his soulmate?  Sean Penn has Robin Wright, a few kids, a famous ex-wife who is not a virgin and a plethora of other comforts in life. Would it have killed them to give it to the sad, dogless guy? 
• Who is in charge of the Academy Award guest list?  For example, why is Lisa Rinna at the Academy Awards?  Is she even on tv let alone the movies?  Regardless, don't tv people know that movie people think they are better?  Why do I have to repeatedly explain how Hollywood works to Hollywood.  Sheesh.
• I hope Joaquin Phoenix was waiting outside to kick Ben Stiller's ass (or maybe shoot him in the leg or something) and then he writes his first rap song from jail about the assault.  Maybe then people will start to believe him.
• Why wasn't Christian Bale the presenter for best cinematography and then he could have started screaming like a lunatic at the winner?  WHY AM I NOT AN ACADEMY AWARDS SCRIPT WRITER?

That's all I got. Maybe by next year I will have seen this year's nominees and can offer more thoughtful commentary (a year late).