Friday, February 20, 2009

The Cafe Crazies

Sometimes I go to a cafe near my house to do some work.  And here's what I'm learning: I don't like people who hang out in cafes.  I actually don't tend to like people in general but these cafe-going sorts are particularly grating.  Let's be clear that this isn't a Starbucks. I bet the people who hang there are more like the sales / consultant types who work from home and if left to their own devices might literally bore themselves to death so they need to escape their houses to avoid certain yet unintentional suicide.

No, this cafe seems to attract the creatives, the intellectuals, the artistes, if you will.  People without day jobs who linger for hours and whose goal in life may be to irritate me.

I already mentioned the whiny woman who needed a copy of He's Just Not That Into You, a swift kick in the ass and a few tequila shots.  Today, I had the pleasure of sitting next to two PhD students of gender studies. I had no idea there was such a degree. Imagine the endless career opportunities upon graduation!  Regardless, one sat down and immediately announced her sexual orientation to the entire cafe (she's gay). Apparently the term "sexual preference," which a male professor inadvertently used, enrages her.  "It's not a preference!"  Okay, fair enough.  The other student, whose sexuality was not announced, doesn't agree it's a derogatory term. Fast forward about 25 minutes into this (loud, lengthy) debate and it turns out the offended one slept with this professor and apparently doesn't want him to get the wrong idea she is straight. (I mean why would he get that idea one wonders???) So her friend suggests she simply treat everyone in the class the same way she treats the professor and he'll get the hint.  "YOU MEAN SLEEP WITH THE WHOLE CLASS???" I wanted to yell back at them.  Then they discussed how she should handle this situation ad nauseam and were still at it when I left.  I hope to never know how this saga ended.

I've never seen a group of people who don't know each other and just happen upon the same coffee shop take themselves so seriously.  Maybe Starbucks with all the boring people would be better...  Or the library.  My understanding is people aren't allowed to talk in there.

Okay, speaking of sexual orientation (there was no easy transition here), I endured the horror of hearing a Nick Lachey song on the radio yesterday. I almost drove right to the radio station to file a complaint for assaulting my eardrums. I'm also looking into if I can sue Mr. Lachey directly.  The song is called Patience and it's a plea to a new girlfriend (Vanessa?) to be patient with him because his heart was still healing from an old love (Jessica?).  It makes that song Womanizer by Britney Spears appear to be a Beethoven masterpiece.  You can listen to it here, but I warn you:  the contents of your stomach may immediately catapult into your esophagus and out of your mouth.

PS -- Regarding my cafe story, you do realize I'm not anti-gay, rather just anti-loud, correct?  My next cafe story, like my first, will focus on a heterosexual annoying person just to make sure we all understand this....


  1. I think people honestly have no sense of manners any more. Seriously, they have to post signs at the doctors office for people to get off the phone.. AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE! So, Miss Rude Loud Person is just like everyone else, no matter who she sleeps with.

  2. Ok what cafe do you hang out at...I love to hate those annoying people! They drive me crazy but deep down, I love it.

  3. Clearly this lesbian(?) has issues if she's sleeping with her male professor. Was she working for a better grade or just "experimenting?" I can't imagine why he might be confused.

    Nick Lachey? No, thank you.

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