Thursday, February 5, 2009

Babies for Sale


I've been looking for part-time work and suddenly it occurred to me: why am I the one looking for a job?  I'm not the one who came along and wreaked havoc on this family's finances.  If anything, my personal expenditures have plummeted to record lows as evidenced by dark roots down to my ears in otherwise blondish hair.  I'm not the one who consumes a gallon of organic whole milk each day.  I'm not the one who needs new educational toys each week to stay mentally stimulated. I'm not the one who drinks a bottle of pinot noir every night.  (Oh wait, that last one is me, but that's a direct result of the very people who should be seeking gainful employment.)  

My girls are identical -- I hear that is key to getting gigs, the theory being that if one is cranky you just do a switcheroo and whisk the other one onto the set. (Don't tell Steven Spielberg, but mine like to be pissy at exactly the same time as they seemingly want their mother to abuse prescription medications. But I don't see them pulling that shit with Clint Eastwood.)   Also, my girls have a distinct advantage over the Olsen twins in that they actually look like human beings.

My point?  (People, I always have a point.)  I am open to renting out my children for the right price.  (I will have to politely decline any feature films starring Christian Bale. If a wandering cameraman upsets him so deeply, I'd hate to see what a life-size dancing duck who sings Splish Splash I Was Taking a Bath 45 times a day would do to his demeanor.)  All we require in our dressing room is:  ingredients necessary to make white russians, 20 cases of a medium-bodied red wine and a life-like cardboard cut-out of Daniel Craig.  Oh, and I guess some baby food but I don't want to seem high maintenance. 

I will make a most excellent momager!  The director will barely know I'm there. You won't see me hovering to make sure my kids aren't being exploited, I'll be too busy rummaging through the lead actors' trailers looking for personal memorabilia to sell on e-Bay.  Hollywood, make me an offer!

11 comments:

  1. God I'm so jealous that they are identical. Why couldn't mine be identical little money makers?? Damn it! Just make sure they don't get fat. Try to get them concerned about their weight as early as possible. That's my advice.

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  2. I love your blog! I've been looking for part-time work myself... I for one think that someone should just pay me for being ME because I'm so awesome!

    I have triplet boys; 2 of them are identical but they don't look alike because of their weight difference. I doubt anyone would be calling me all the way from MS to do any casting calls. It sure would be nice if they did! :)

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  3. Love it!! I found you through Baby on Bored. You have been added to my Google Reader!

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  4. You are a scream! Just popped over from Baby on Bored. I have 2 yo b/g twins. It's always fun to meet other twin moms!

    I'll be back!

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  5. Here from Baby on Bored. I knew a chick with idents who got an agent in san Diego and they got onto a soap here in LA and then got a commercial. Try your local agencies. They'll pay for your wine and thensome. Those idents made 40k!

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  6. From Baby on Bored, like the rest of the crowd. Your babies are beautiful. But that does not mean they shouldn't be paying their own way.

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  7. after they score their first gig, teach them to uncork the bottle. for you of course.

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  8. Love love love your blog!! I was directed here by Baby on Bored.

    I also have identical twins, and, get this? No TV/Movie offers? I mean, really now, aren't identical twins rare? Shouldn't they be banging down my door? It seems no. Damn Hollywood.

    Soon. Those babies are going to make me (and you!) rich soon!

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  9. You know... I always threaten to sell the girls to the gypsies. I wonder if Hollywood would take them instead! ;)

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  10. oh girl, you are damn, damn funny!

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