Friday, July 3, 2009

Oompa Loompa Alert

I thought one of my girls was getting way too much sun but I couldn't figure out why the other wasn't. I slather them both with sunscreen so I was confused why one turning orange and the other is still relatively pale. The affected twin's color (and stature I suppose) is that of an Oompa Loompa. My first thought was, of course, how can I make money on this? Are they casting for a remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory here in Chicago? My next was, what disease does she have? I diagnosed her via Google (is there any other way?) as having jaundice and possibly hepatitis. Rather alarming in that I couldn't possibly get her cast if she's ill. But the whites of her eyes weren't also yellow, leaving the revised diagnosis as carotenemia which is harmless and results from eating too much stuff like sweet potatoes, squash and other yellow and orange foods. (Why do we need doctors anymore now that we have the Internet, one wonders?)

Anyway, only one of them has this condition because they like different foods. Which is a pain in the ass for me. "Hi, you're IDENTICAL," I like to point out. "Your taste buds should be, by all accounts, IDENTICAL." They just look at me like I'm an ass and continue eating separate menus.

So if anyone is in the market to cast a short, orange little person in a blockbuster Hollywood production, please let me know. I can Fed Ex her (C.O.D. only) for arrival by Monday. She doesn't like people so please make sure her scenes are solo.


  1. I gotta love a girl who doesn't like people. She's my kind and I'm rather orange, too. The only reason we have doctors is because we can't completely flip our shit in the internet's office and leave with a handful of scrips for benzodiazapines and other useful vitamins.

  2. Did you, by any chance, grab the wrong bottle and put self-tanner on her? Cause I know how found you are of the fake tan look....