Saturday, July 4, 2009

Ka Boom!

Nothing pisses me off more than fireworks. The illegal kind where dumb asses set them off with abandon in their backyard. So we get home from a Fourth of July thing and we pull into our house and there is a firework fiesta going down in the alley behind our place and our parking lot and deck are filled with debris. I say to my husband, who can be a hothead, to let me get the girls inside and he can come back outside to deal with it. But as we pull up I see the person setting off the fireworks is about 11 years old as his family sits around drinking and watching. Do you know how many kids blow their hands off with fireworks? Well neither do I but I was livid. I open the car door and start going nuts screaming, "Hey assholes! Your kid is going to blow his f@#%ing hands off AND it's ILLEGAL!" Some guy starts yelling back at me and we take the girls inside. I figure they are fully scared of me (I do The Crazy really well) and that will be the end of that. So pops start going off again and now the girls are in bed and they are being kept awake and slightly scared of this shit. I wait, peek out of our back window and see that now there are a gaggle of kids, some as young as eight, setting this crap off.

I go marching onto our deck and start hollering like some white trash hillbilly. The adults refuse to look at me so I continue screaming and point at them, demanding the fireworks stop. A woman looks at me and says, very calmly, "You didn't say please." This stumps me. She was right -- I guess I didn't say please. I march back inside and call my sister to bitch about this situation. "What are you guys doing?" I ask. "Oh, we're about to set off some fireworks for the kids. Can I call you back?" (But in my defense, they are legal where she lives...) Still, I feel like an ass.


  1. Which part makes you feel like an ass? I sooo would have bitch-slapped the shit out of my neighbors much like you did. However, I really live next door to Hillbillies, so I would probably be dead and you'd be seeing my picture on the news. Except, no one in Chicago would really care about my dead ass. I hate stupid people.

  2. Why didn't you just call the police?

  3. good for you. i would have yelled too. it is not illegal where we live. fireworks are sold at every gas station. i understand your frustration over the trash aspect as well. our redneck neighbors' kids are always setting off fireworks. southerners don't need a national holiday to get drunk and set off fireworks. the trash is all over our yard and on the roof. it drives me crazy. we are out of town and the island fireworks were going off last night. it sounded like a war zone, but my son slept through it all. i wonder what our yard will look like when we return home. take care.

  4. I hate fireworks so much! OF course, I am a big dweeb who still loves the black snakes that don't make any noise or lights but just look like magical snakes; I like things that aren't going to kill anyone.

    When the kids are a little older and it's not such a bedtime issue, I will happily take them to see the big city fireworks shows. But I refuse to be a family that sets off the big illegal fireworks in the backyard. I like my kids with all their parts intact.

    (By the way, my computer was being stupid, but I love it that one of your kids is orange. And I think you should see if you can get the other one to live on blueberries and see if you can get her to turn colors too--a possibly lucrative science experiment!)

  5. p.s. you can really see how orange she is in this blog! sorry, but it's kinda funny. I think Kendra had a brilliant idea about the blueberries!

  6. I've always called the police. Not because they were breaking the law or because some child might lose a hand...they were keeping me awake!!

    We had some asshole neighbors whose relative was a pilot at the nearby Air Force base. They had a game where "Uncle" would fly as low as possible and the high school "nephews" would shoot bottle rockets or worse shit at him. Hmmm. I wonder if it was a dishonorable discharge I initiated...

  7. Hey those pictures are gorgeous - what camera are you using?

    And good for you for telling the neighbors whatswhat. A little spastic yelling is good for the soul methinks. I'm the one who has fantasies about doing it but slinks back in the house and stays mad. So good for you!