Friday, July 31, 2009

A Note to A Future Serial Murderer

Dear Five-Year-Old at the Park With the Constantly Runny Nose and Oafish Head Who Stalks My Daughters:

I'm pretty sure this is how Ted Bundy started out. Your yearning to torture domesticated animals will probably begin in a few years at which point your mother will find cat corpses strewn about the yard and suspect a wild fox lurks in your bushes. But, no, it will be you.

I honestly didn't know I had it in me to dislike a child so much. For whatever reason, you are fascinated with my daughters and, well, who can blame you? The best thing I can say about you at this point is you have good taste in the opposite sex.

You know how whenever you infringe on their personal space they scream bloody murder? This is not a compliment. This is toddler speak for "F@#$ off." Please do so. I realize my venom should be reserved for your mother, who seems to be overly preoccupied with texting someone (your father? her boyfriend? the plastic surgeon who gave her the worse boob job I've ever seen?) and her nails, which she stares at in a way that makes me wonder if she's been lobotomized.

I understand you start kindergarten in a few weeks. This both pleases me as we will see you less frequently and terrifies me on behalf of whatever sweet woman (are there any male kindergarten teaches besides Arnold in Kindergarten Cop?) finds your name on her attendance sheet. The good news for me and my family, however, is you won't be sniffing at my girls and I won't have to have the following conversation EVERY TIME I SEE YOU (do you have early onset of dementia?):

You: Are they twins?

Me: Yes.

You: (real antagonistically) Then why aren't they dressed alike?

Me: Because that's stupid.

You: All twins I know dress alike.

Me: (ignore and try to walk to other end of park but am followed)

You: Why is that one fatter?

Me: She eats more.

You: Why?

Me: Because.

You: Because why?

Me: Please leave us alone.

You: Why?

Me: Dear, God, make it stop. PLEASE. I will stop (fill in something I have no intention of stopping) if you make him go away.

Then, as my pleas with the Creator are ignored, we have to leave and go to another park because he continues to follow us and pepper me with questions and upset the girls by trying to grab them. I hate that kid. And his mother. And possibly his father who presumably sanctions his wife walking around in a tank top braless.


  1. I can't tell you how many times I have thought the same thing about some annoying kid. Usually boys! I am so thankful I have a girl...and I know that will piss some people off, but too bad! Boys can be really annoying. And nothing makes me more squeamish that a snotty-nosed kid. It's like my cryptonite! Blech!

    P.S. I hate his mother too, and we've never met. I know the type, the kind who has a standing nail appt. every week.

  2. I have a brother in law that is a kindergarten teacher, but he is the only one that I know of.

    As far as the little boy goes, I say start carrying a spray bottle... You know the ones people use to train their cats and squirt him in the face whenever he makes the twin scream.

  3. This is how I feel about most other peoples kids.

    I only like my own.

    And sometimes even rarely that. =)

  4. I hate parents who don't pay attention to their kids at the park. I have three kids of my own and I do day care; trust me, I know kids can be annoying and the best parents in the world can be utterly humiliated by the thing their kids decide to do the second they leave the house. But just plain ignoring them? Makes me CRAZY!

    I find myself torn every time some kid is bugging my children; half of me is trying to get the kid to stop, and the other half is trying to make enough of a scene that the kid's parent will see and come actually intervene!

  5. Oh my gosh, seriously??? Hahaha... poor you to have to endure that!

  6. Standard answer: "Because she/they're much better than you. Just ask your mom."

  7. I HATE when parents just zone out in public places of play (in my case it's the train table at the library). I try to stay positive and use the horrifying things I see as "teachable moments" for my daugther, but I really just want to scream, "F***ing PAY ATTENTION!" I agree with Kendra, though. Sometimes I make a scene so the parents will do something.

  8. Um, is it too soon to declare my adoration for your blog? I just discovered it and even though it might not be after the traditional month or so of blog-courting, I'm gonna do it...

    I love your blog.

    There. I said it. Heart on my sleeve and all.

    I'll wait for your "Do You Like Me, too? (Check Yes, No or Maybe" note in the mail...