I'm angry today. I can't quite put my finger on it but let me try:
- See the sign at the park that says, "No Dogs?" I'm not sure what is confusing about this sign. It even has a picture of a cute little dog with a red line through it. Oh, what's that? Your dog is nice and loves children? Well why didn't you say so! I will contact the Chicago Park District immediately and ask them to change the sign to read No Mean Kid-Hating Dogs. You're right sir, this rule couldn't possibly apply to you. Oh, sure, let your dog crap all over the park. No problem. I'll just return the favor and let my toddlers roam diaperless all over your lawn when it's time to do business and hope your dog steps in it and you have to scrub it from head to toe and it still stinks to high heaven. Then you can erect a sign that says No Toddlers and I'll explain that it can't possibly apply to my children because they are nice. A--hole. (PS -- I don't hate dogs so don't send me hate mail. I did, however, hate the book Marley and Me.)
- The Michael Jackson coverage. He's dead. He's not coming back. Please, by all means, let me know when you've closed your investigation and which doctors have been indicted but please please please for the love of God, stop with the play-by-play. And if the doctors are never indicted and don't lose their license to practice medicine still please send me their names so I know who is apt to give out Tylenol with codeine for no reason whatsoever.
- That presumably Jillian Harris may be moving to Chicago. Wicked! I'm pumped! I've got butterflies! Although truth be told I'd prefer Ed move to Vancouver. Chris Harrison, you seemed quite influential while talking Jillian into whose proposal to accept last night -- could you kindly suggest they take up residence in Canada? Any other country besides ours would be fine too.
- That I made a delicious acorn squash with brown sugar recipe and my kids won't eat it. I don't know for certain it's delicious since I won't try it either. Because it looks like squirrel guts. I'm an adult, I can eat Twinkies for dinner if I want -- why would I eat squash? But it's got brown sugar in it so how bad can it be. Damn spoiled kids don't appreciate my buying fresh organic vegetables and slaving away in the kitchen. God I'm old.
Oh, my husband is annoying me too but that's like mentioning Lindsay Lohan is a nutball. WE KNOW. Although I think he is annoyed with me too. Very rare. I'm just not that annoying of a person. I don't like these table-turning games. YOU are the annoying one and I am the one who gets annoyed. Get the roles right, buddy. It's been working like that for six-plus years and I'm in no mood to switch.