Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Needy Chef

Just when I think I'm the meanest wife on the planet, I read a story about a women who poured scalding hot water over her husband's balls while he slept. Granted, he was cheating, but still, I think that makes her meaner than me.

I don't think I've ever mentioned what a great cook my husband is. See? And he thinks I never say anything nice about him. I appreciate his culinary skills because a) I like to eat; and b) I don't know how to cook. He has a subscription to Everyday Food by Martha Stewart and several times a week whips up a high-end restaurant quality dinner. Glazed pork chops with smashed potatoes and stewed green beans. Herb-crusted salmon with spinach salad. Seared steak with mozzarella tomato salad and roasted vegetables. Nice, right?

BUT. People, there is always a but.

When he makes these dinners, I can't just say, "Wow, this is great! Thanks!" and eat my meal in peace. The conversation usually goes something like this:

Me: (sit down and take first bite of food) This is awesome, thanks.

Him: Yeah? Really? What do you think of the pork?

Me: Oh, I haven't tried it yet, but the potatoes are great.

Him: (Waits while I take bite of pork and watches my expression) What do you think?

Me: Delicious.

Him: Can you taste the pineapple in the glaze?

Me: Mmm hmmm. Very good.

Him: There's some brown sugar in there too.

Me: Yeah, tastes good.

Him: Do you think it's overdone?

Me: No, it's perfect.

Him: Maybe I'll make this the next time the So-and-Sos come over for dinner.

Me: Good idea.

Him: What about the tomato salad? Did you try that yet?

Me: (take bite of tomato salad) Yup, love it.

Him: I made it more peppery than usual. We got that new pepper dispenser. I think it made a big difference. Can you tell?

Me: Very peppery. Yes.

Him: The potatoes have a bit of heavy cream mixed in. Really makes them creamy, huh?


I don't care that you went off-recipe and added a dash of paprika. And no, I don't think the new pepper dispenser made one iota of a difference. And, frankly, don't tell me there is heavy cream in ANYTHING because then I'm just thinking of how many freaking calories I just ate.

I think I'm just going to order Dominoes every night. Presumably the guy who makes the pizza won't come to my house, watch me eat and then proceed to grill me relentlessly like I'm a murder suspect. "Didn't I space out the pepperoni slices perfectly over your pizza?" "Can you taste the hint of garlic the Dominoes franchise makes us put in the crust batter?" "Not everyone can pull off adding chunks of pineapple to a pizza the way I can, huh?"

Good thing my husband doesn't know about this blog. He's making grilled beef tenderloin tonight so I don't want to piss him off.


  1. OMG, too funny! Love it! I'd totally be the same way. Nothing like having to dance for your dinner. Figuratively speaking, of course. Unless, you know, you do dance for your dinner. If that's the case, have you ever considered Vlogging? ;)

  2. My husband is like that when he cleans. "Honey, is this okay? Did I get everything? Did you see how I rearranged the bookshelves? Is it okay I didn't dust the tops of the shelves, they're just so close to the ceiling? Do you see anything else I should have done?"

    "Yes, you idiot, it's clean. But the kitchen isn't. Get hopping and leave me the F alone!"

  3. Soooo jealous right now...the best thing my soon-to-be husband can cook is mac and cheese (from a box) and french toast, although I can see how the inquisition during the meal could become very annoying.

  4. My husband is a trained chef--though thankfully not working as a chef. He gave that up before we met, when he realized that the unpredictable, late, sweaty hours in a restaurant kitchen weren't as fun as they'd sounded. Now he has a nice, quiet job with crazy people. (Really. He's a mental health and addiction specialist.)

    Anyway, I know the joy that is having someone in the house who is a decent cook, for I am not. Sadly, though, I am trying to be one, and I realized as I was reading that I am just like that when I cook! "Did I use the right amount of garlic? I used fresh basil, but I don't know if I chopped it right. You know, there are a lot of ways you can chop basil, and the recipe wasn't all that clear, so I just..."

    No wonder he tends to just eat silently. Give me an opening, and I'll never stop asking if it was okay.

  5. He sounds like me, whenever I make a new recipe. Thank you for letting me know how annoying I am.

  6. God.. I just realize what I do to my Fiance! (I'm the chef in the family)..but then again I do see your husband side as well..he took the time and effort to learn the recipe, prep all the food and make sure it all comes out on time, all together AND delicious.
    Yes it's sad that a "this is great, thanks" comment isn't enough..we want more, tell us WHY it's great, WHAT you like about it..Chefs need constant praise although we'll never admit it! :) Of course this is if you want to keep eating...