Disclaimer: I am not saying my husband, but rather husbands in general.
- They come home every night. At least mine does. I suppose having a husband who doesn't come home every night poses its own challenges but I'm not here to bitch about your problems, just mine.
- They move in slow motion. Since when does "Can you heat up some milk?" mean "Can you stick another potato chip in your mouth, take a swig of Coke, pick your nose and then go heat up some milk?" I'm reminded daily about that quote from The Devil Wears Prada (movie not book) when Meryl Streep says: "By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."
- They dawdle. Get up, make my coffee, take your shower and get your ass off to work. Yes, in that order. Sheesh, is that asking too much?
- They want to show you how shit works. Here's the thing: I eat steak but that doesn't mean I want to know how to slaughter a cow. Similarly, just fix the f$@%ing TIVO and leave me and Chuck Wicks alone.
- They keep track of how money is spent: Have you heard of Quicken? Well, I hadn't until I got married. It's an intrusive program that allows husbands to categorize the spending habits of their wives so they can show in a very methodical way where the household funds are going. Who really needs to know they spent $880 in manicures and pedicures in 2008? ("Not including tip!")
- They expect physical gratification. Hey, listen, you pump out two kids simultaneously and tell me how randy you're feeling two years later. There should be some kind of marital clause that sex is optional post-children. This point is so important it should be (delicately) weaved into one's vows.
I'm sure my husband will do something to annoy me this weekend which will jog my memory so to be continued...
Disclaimer #2: I'm not sure this photo fits exactly but it made me laugh. Thank God I wasn't a wife in this era. I'd be returned to sender.
PS -- I wrote about Opes today here. I have been struggling all day with the profound question of who is worse: Jenny McCarthy or Ali Wentworth?