Friday, May 1, 2009

Things That Are Annoying About Husbands

Disclaimer: I am not saying my husband, but rather husbands in general. 
  • They come home every night. At least mine does. I suppose having a husband who doesn't come home every night poses its own challenges but I'm not here to bitch about your problems, just mine.
  • They move in slow motion.  Since when does "Can you heat up some milk?" mean "Can you stick another potato chip in your mouth, take a swig of Coke, pick your nose and then go heat up some milk?"  I'm reminded daily about that quote from The Devil Wears Prada (movie not book) when Meryl Streep says: "By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."
  • They dawdle. Get up, make my coffee, take your shower and get your ass off to work. Yes, in that order. Sheesh, is that asking too much?
  • They want to show you how shit works. Here's the thing: I eat steak but that doesn't mean I want to know how to slaughter a cow. Similarly, just fix the f$@%ing  TIVO and leave me and Chuck Wicks alone.
  • They keep track of how money is spent:  Have you heard of Quicken? Well, I hadn't until I got married. It's an intrusive program that allows husbands to categorize the spending habits of their wives so they can show in a very methodical way where the household funds are going.  Who really needs to know they spent $880 in manicures and pedicures in 2008?  ("Not including tip!")
  • They expect physical gratification. Hey, listen, you pump out two kids simultaneously and tell me how randy you're feeling two years later.  There should be some kind of marital clause that sex is optional post-children.  This point is so important it should be (delicately) weaved into one's vows.
I'm sure my husband will do something to annoy me this weekend which will jog my memory so to be continued...

Disclaimer #2: I'm not sure this photo fits exactly but it made me laugh. Thank God I wasn't a wife in this era. I'd be returned to sender.

PS -- I wrote about Opes today here.  I have been struggling all day with the profound question of who is worse: Jenny McCarthy or Ali Wentworth?


  1. The move in slow motion = brilliantly true. Add finishing a round of killing something on the Wii in there and we've got a real winner. I'll have to use that quote on my husband one of these days. :)

  2. Yes, anyone who "pumps out two children simultaneously" is a god to me. I had one labor (three kids), which ended with a C-section. 5 years later, it's still a family horror story. It was so bad, we just skipped the labor and went right to the C-section with the other two. You are definitely off the hook after twins!

    And I agree: would it be so hard just to say that everything I spend money on is automatically important, without discussions about where exactly it all went?

    Stupid husbands. (I love you, dear!)

  3. Amen to ALL of the above. Re: the picture, I think her smile is warm enough but that hairdo scares the shit out of me.

  4. Sex? What is this word you speak of???

  5. Here's how I avoid the "you're spending too much money on X": Use cash for all "questionable" expenses, ie pedicures. Far less traceable and I can always say I spent the money on something for the child, which he can't argue with.

  6. LOVE this post. Thank you!

  7. They want to show you how shit works I don't technically have a husband til August, but he's ahead of the curve and does this ALL THE TIME. Sometimes, I ask him to fix/do something for me, and then he tries to show me "for next time" and all I can think/say is, but why can't you just do it for me? It's so much easier that way!

  8. loved this post. laughed out loud. i can relate. my hubby is lazy and a downright pain in my arse. perfect example: i go out to the grocery one night. i ask him to please have son in jammies and in bed when i get back. i was gone an hour. when i get back, son and hubby are bouncing on the couch, goofing off. my son is still dressed and now overstimulated. hubby looks at my expression and mutters, "what?".