Friday, May 15, 2009

They Think His Tractor's Sexy

Holy cannoli!  The women were going ballistic last night when Kenny Chesney hit the stage here in Alabama, where in case you forgot, I am vacationing.  Keep up, people, I can't remind you about my whereabouts every two seconds.  

I mean, I love Kenny's music as much as the next guy, but it would never occur to me to throw my panties on stage, like say, at a Chucks Wicks concert. Not that Kenny or Chuck or anyone else really would find the panties of a 41-year-old mother of twins overly enticing anyway... So my husband and I went to the concert to celebrate our anniversary. Six long
glorious years.  Other observations about last night:
  • There seems to be a new hairdo among the younger female set here in the south that appears to be the anti-mullet. It's essentially business in the back and party in the front, where the back is super short and then the sides are really long.  It makes Kate of Jon and Kate Plus Eight's hair look mainstream. It's sort of like an inverted bob on crack, where the front few pieces are past shoulder length and the back is practically shaved.  I wish I had a photo to share of this phenomenon but my husband feared I'd get a beer poured on my head if I started taking photos of stranger's hair.  It would have been worth it. Isn't beer is good for hair anyway?  Speaking of which, whatever happened to Body on Tap shampoo?
  • Where have all the cowboys gone?  When I saw Kenny in Chicago last summer, it looked like a rodeo convention. So I expected my husband to be the only hatless guy in the place for a country concert in Alabama. Practically the only one wearing a cowboy hat was Kenny.  And an unfortunate-looking group of college girls who didn't get the memo that halter dresses paired with cowboy boots looks at best silly and at worst slutty.
  • Before Kenny even came on, during the opening band whose name escapes me but featured a heavily perspiring blond chick, some guy puked all over some girl a few rows up from us.  The cops intervened, which caused a big brouhaha and they took him away, presumably to arrest him for unlawful regurgitation or similar. It sounds less exciting in print than it actually was.
  • Directly in front of us was a couple who should be eternally thankful they found each other. Because if not for finding each other, they would die alone, drooling into their applesauce at a nursing home where nobody would visit them.  They were probably in their 40s but could have been in their 30s and not aging well.  They proceeded to molest each other and make out (that man's tongue is forever sealed in my memory bank) for THE ENTIRE SHOW. They were either getting engaged that night or just met tailgating in the parking lot. Finally, about half-way through the show, they left together and I'd hoped they went to have sex in the bathroom to get it out of their systems so we could all enjoy the rest of the show. But, no, they were back with more drinks and proceeded to heavily pet the rest of the night.  I wanted the cops to come back and arrest them for unlawful second-basing or similar. They could have saved themselves about $200 and just had sex on a couch at home while playing Kenny Chesney's Greatest Hits.
  • Kenny played "Me and You," one of my all-time favorite songs which makes me cry. Which he said he hasn't played in concert for over five years.  At exactly that moment, a gal in back of us decided to start catcalling with a noise I will try to describe but is difficult to translate into letters:  YEEWAHHAWWWWWAAAAAHAAAHHHHHH WOOOOOO!  Only during THIS song did this noise occur.  Did she love this song too? Hate it perhaps? Did Kenny write this song for her years ago and she wanted him to know she was in Section 201 last evening?  
  • Kenny only did one encore song ("Don't Blink") and really didn't play that long. Which was a bit disappointing because when I saw him in Chicago he and Keith Urban came out at the end and played some cover songs (like "Take it to the Limit" by the Eagles). So I was expecting more. But then I realized when he toured with Keith Urban, Keith probably begged Kenny to stay on stage half the night so Keith wasn't forced to go home and make conversation with the most boring woman alive, who was out on tour with him, presumably just to make sure he didn't have a lick of fun.
Regardless, I'm not angry with Kenny for high-tailing it off stage early. He is indirectly responsible for the birth of my two girls. During IVF, because I am deathly afraid of needles, before my nightly shots we'd play Kenny Chesney to calm me down and help me relax (unfortunately wine wasn't allowed...)  So for that I'll always love you Kenny! Not in a pantie-throwing way, mind you.

PS: DWTS update here.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you enjoyed your anniversary. I enjoyed reading about it!

    Two years ago, we took our first family vacation, to Seattle and Vancouver. So there were several border crossings during the trip. At one point, we were stuck in line waiting to cross the border for hours--my husband was trying to keep it together, I had to pee pretty much all the time, and the boys were fighting over toy cows or something. And in front of us: I'm pretty sure it was your couple from last night. I have never seen two people more physically into one another--not in person, anyway. Under other circumstances, I may have thought it was sweet or been jealous that they were so in love... or something. But that entire time, I think the only thing that kept us sane was talking about how much we wanted to kill those two people.

    (And that's really sweet, about listening to Kenny before your shots. After that experience, I would either cringe every time I listened to him, or I would love him forever.)