Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Things to Ask Yourself Before Posting on Facebook

People, this thing called Facebook is really a fascinating study in the human psyche. I think the American Psychologist Association could garner some compelling research to determine our population's mental well-being. Which is to say I think we've all gone bat-shit crazy.

And because I'm here to stop the crazy (although truth be told I'm a big fan of crazy), following are some things I suggest you ask yourself before posting on Facebook:
  • Am I sober or am I under the influence of a substance known to impair one's ability to determine who one should be friends with? Have the Facebook founders considered a breathalyzer that hooks up directly to the login page? Sort of like that apparatus attached to a DUI convict's ignition?
  • Would my own mother be interested in the piece of information I am about to post? My mother is pretty interested in my life, but even she couldn't care less what I had for breakfast.
  • Am I generally a boring person who nobody listens to? Just because you're posting doesn't mean people are suddenly interested.
  • Would I speak the comment I'm about to make out loud or call my best friend to share this piece of information with her? I don't know about you, but if I called my best friend to announce I just ate a bagel, she'd hang up on me.
  • Speaking of posting what you had for breakfast, unless it's this: Twelve Bloody Mary's and a box of nails, NOBODY CARES. Trying to kill yourself before work? Okay, I'll bite. A blueberry muffin and coffee? I might kill you myself.
  • Are my virtual friends interested in what level I've reached in Mafia Wars, whatever that god-awful game is? No, we don't -- and I've had your updates blocked to prove it. If I knew Tony Soprano I'd pay him to visit your house with a baseball bat, perhaps alleviating your obsession with the mafia.
  • Do my friends look like ass in the pictures I am about to post? Will they spend the rest of their workday untagging themselves which might somehow negatively affect the gross national product, worsening the economy which is already in a recession?
I think Facebook is like makeup: Less is more. Sure, share when you do something noteworthy. (Example: You just stormed the set of the new James Bond film to grab Daniel Craig's ass and you are writing from the clink to report his buttocks is indeed as firm as it appears.) But don't share every little detail of minutia that is your life. (Example: I am currently putting on my sneakers.)

Or maybe I'm missing the point of Facebook. Maybe everyone really does want to know what everyone else is doing every second of every day. Maybe it's just me. That's entirely possible. Okay, so I'm going to place some raisin bread in the toaster now... Then I plan to butter it. And I may even eat it after that... Hmmm, sharing that was oddly satisfying.

PS -- I'll be over my fascination with making fun of Facebook soon... I promise. Also, (okay I'm not over it yet) why has nobody "poked" me? Should I be insulted? Because my virtual poking somewhat mimics my real life poking and that is concerning.

PSS -- I just taught a PR class (yes, I know, who would pay me to do such a thing) and the young kids there assured me THEY DO want to know what their friends are doing and eating and thinking every single second of every single day. So it IS just me. Carry on, people. Update us with your mundane up-to-the-second goings on. I'm just old and don't get it. I'm like that guy who when e-mail was invented still made his "secretary" print out every e-mail he received.


  1. i don't post current statuses on FB, just one a day. i use twitter for my moment to moment updates. you should try it. it's fun. take care.

  2. I think the older ones (like me) use facebook like you use this blog. I don't ever tell anyone crap like what I eat, unless it is the most awesome something i've eaten in a long time. Those darn kids though use facebook and twitter for everything. I think of that as our gradual process into cyborg transformation.

  3. Thanks for again reinforcing why I haven't & don't want to join FB. I don't want to know what every one is doing & thinking every minute of every day & I sure as hell don't want to tell the world what I'm thinking & doing. I like my little cocoon of peace.

  4. Facebook is like one very long, never-ending, bad Christmas card update newsletter. Why do people constantly post how much they "love their kids", "love their life" or my personal favorite "blah..blah...blah...we are so blessed." ICK. I'm glad I haven't been convinced to join the dark side (NOT EASY). But, my husband does let me sneak peeks of his page so I can experience the ridiculousness with him.

  5. I really like fb, but like anonymous said, i can't stand "blah, blah, blah, we are so blessed." I know people who claim how much they love each other, i have the best husband, i have the best wife, whatever. i feel when you have to say it like that, you are only trying to convince yourself. and in one case that i am thinking, that is totally true.

  6. I don't understand when I got old. Honestly. I'm 33, not 80. And yet all this Facebooking, I don't get it. Did you read about this? Two girls trapped in a sewer didn't call 911, they updated their Facebook status. Finally someone read it and alerted emergency services. (I also love that there's a Facebook button on the article.)

    I've still never posted any updates there. It's nice for old friends to be able to find me and to be able to keep track of what friends around the world are up to, but things like getting married, not eating bagels.

  7. I agree. Maybe I'm just too old to get it, but I really don't want to know your every move or food intake in a given day. I don't care how good of a friend you are. It is not interesting to anyone. Ever. Also, don't send me any of those stupid barnyard animals, drinks or tatoos. No, I will absolutely not partake in passing that garbage along. Thank you very much.

  8. I usually agree with you on most topics, but I think facebook is just fun. I don't take it too seriously and I kinda think it's interesting to know what other people do during their daily lives. I'm not friends with anyone that posts blow-by-blow status updates though. That might get kinda annoying.

  9. This list is hysterical! LOVE it!

    I love facebook but end up blocking news/wall feeds of people who post every inane detail of their day. LOL!

  10. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

    You mean no one cares that my two year old is constipated?

    Or that I've posted for the fourth time in a week that my kid won't go to bed?

    Or that the dog threw up next to the bed and I stepped in it?