Things to Ask Yourself Before Posting on Facebook

People, this thing called Facebook is really a fascinating study in the human psyche. I think the American Psychologist Association could garner some compelling research to determine our population's mental well-being. Which is to say I think we've all gone bat-shit crazy.

And because I'm here to stop the crazy (although truth be told I'm a big fan of crazy), following are some things I suggest you ask yourself before posting on Facebook:

• Am I sober or am I under the influence of a substance known to impair one's ability to determine who one should be friends with? Have the Facebook founders considered a breathalyzer that hooks up directly to the login page? Sort of like that apparatus attached to a DUI convict's ignition?
• Would my own mother be interested in the piece of information I am about to post? My mother is pretty interested in my life, but even she couldn't care less what I had for breakfast.
• Am I generally a boring person who nobody listens to? Just because you're posting doesn't mean people are suddenly interested.
• Would I speak the comment I'm about to make out loud or call my best friend to share this piece of information with her? I don't know about you, but if I called my best friend to announce I just ate a bagel, she'd hang up on me.
• Speaking of posting what you had for breakfast, unless it's this: Twelve Bloody Mary's and a box of nails, NOBODY CARES. Trying to kill yourself before work? Okay, I'll bite. A blueberry muffin and coffee? I might kill you myself.
• Are my virtual friends interested in what level I've reached in Mafia Wars, whatever that god-awful game is? No, we don't -- and I've had your updates blocked to prove it. If I knew Tony Soprano I'd pay him to visit your house with a baseball bat, perhaps alleviating your obsession with the mafia.
• Do my friends look like ass in the pictures I am about to post? Will they spend the rest of their workday untagging themselves which might somehow negatively affect the gross national product, worsening the economy which is already in a recession?

I think Facebook is like makeup: Less is more. Sure, share when you do something noteworthy. (Example: You just stormed the set of the new James Bond film to grab Daniel Craig's ass and you are writing from the clink to report his buttocks is indeed as firm as it appears.) But don't share every little detail of minutia that is your life. (Example: I am currently putting on my sneakers.)

Or maybe I'm missing the point of Facebook. Maybe everyone really does want to know what everyone else is doing every second of every day. Maybe it's just me. That's entirely possible. Okay, so I'm going to place some raisin bread in the toaster now... Then I plan to butter it. And I may even eat it after that... Hmmm, sharing that was oddly satisfying.

PS -- I'll be over my fascination with making fun of Facebook soon... I promise. Also, (okay I'm not over it yet) why has nobody "poked" me? Should I be insulted? Because my virtual poking somewhat mimics my real life poking and that is concerning.

PSS -- I just taught a PR class (yes, I know, who would pay me to do such a thing) and the young kids there assured me THEY DO want to know what their friends are doing and eating and thinking every single second of every single day. So it IS just me. Carry on, people. Update us with your mundane up-to-the-second goings on. I'm just old and don't get it. I'm like that guy who when e-mail was invented still made his "secretary" print out every e-mail he received.