Monday, October 26, 2009

Homeward Bound

This week we will bid our "downtown lifestyle" adieu and move back to our little neighborhood north of downtown where we will resume our "north of downtown lifestyle." I didn't make up the term "downtown lifestyle." I'm not sure what it means but every advertisement for a condo downtown talks about the "downtown lifestyle" so it must be some very drastic lifestyle change that nobody told me about. Maybe it involves yoga or spouse-swapping or similar.

Anyway, I think what I'll miss the most is this big-ass statue we pass every day on Michigan Avenue as we walk to the park. I mean, have you ever seen anything so heinous beautiful? I don't think this statue at all reinforces the myth that the real cosmopolitan types move to NY and that only corn-fed, tooth-pickin' folksy Midwesterners live in Chicago. I used to work in the building behind this abomination before it was erected. Thank God I timed my resignation correctly! Imagine having a crappy day at work and you're greeted every day at 5 pm with the saggy butts of two 80-year-olds?

Yes, I know it's a famous painting and the Tribune did some mind-numbing important article about its cultural significance but I'm pretty sure even the painter didn't anticipate someone would build a 12-story version of his creation, manifesting it into King Kong-esque octogenarians who at any moment might come to life and stomp innocent Chicago civilians and tourists to death. I sometimes picture Naomi Watts dangling helplessly from the old man's pitchfork while waiting for Jack Black to save her.

I will also miss the guy in the red convertible Porsche who drives around with the top down with no regard for the weather and a bumper sticker that says "Bad boys drive bad toys." I had the opportunity to be driving behind him recently and cut off a cab so I could pull up to the light next to him and conjure up the best stink eye I could muster. I think he thought I was hitting on him. Because I always bring along two toddlers when I drive around trolling for men in the city.

Farewell, I'll write again soon while I my husband unpacks boxes.

PS -- I realize I've gone a bit strike-through-text crazy. I figured out an easy way to do it so I can't help myself. I'll get over it never soon.


  1. Wow! It's been a long time since I've been to Chicago!! (My favorite aunt and uncle lived in the city most of my childhood.) I've never seen that... um... beautiful piece of art.

    I love the image of Naomi Watts dangling from the pitchfork though!!

  2. Wow. I had no idea Chicago housed such a statue.... It's uhhh.... Well, we'll just leave it at that.

    Congrats on the move!

  3. I've gone crazy with the strike-through text too. Please send help.

  4. When we were in Chicago recently, I fell in love with the suitcase that's part of that statue. Can you teach me how to strike-through? Welcome home and all that.

  5. Best of luck with the move! I haven't been to that park since August. When did they put that horrible sculpture up?!? Yikes. Good for you for the stink eye. Of course, he didn't get it. Those guys never do...

  6. So glad you're moving back home! I hope it's looking clean and dry and welcoming. I love the story about the stink eye. I personally am extremely attractive to a particular type of man I can only describe as "crazy and obnoxious." There is one guy at the gas station near our house who is always winking at me and once invited me to go home with him (does that often work, by the way? Inviting random women to your home?) despite the fact that I'm usually there with at least one of my three children, often all three. Is that hot, the married, harried mother of three?

    I recently heard a story about "American Gothic" and I forget who posed for the woman in the painting, but she was 20 or so years younger than the man next to her and spent her entire life offended that people thought they were supposed to be married, since she thought she was obviously supposed to be his daughter. That kind of cracks me up, because wife or daughter, you're still two angry-looking people with a pitchfork. And now you're a big scary-looking statue too.

  7. That whole scene with you trolling for men with your girls reminds me of that scene in Swingers when Vince Vaughn's character thought that lady at the diner was hitting on him but instead was playing peek-a-boo with her baby!

    Congrats on going home!

    And if you are going to teach Juli Ryan to strike, can you teach me how to put links in my text?