Issues I Don't Want to Hear About Ever Again

For the love of all things holy, I'd live a more peaceful existence if I never had to hear ever again about the following:

• Why, how, who or what drug is responsible for Anna Nicole Smith's death.
• Ditto Michael Jackson.
• Who David Letterman is screwing.
• Who Jimmy Kimmel is screwing.
• Who any late night talk show host (unless Daniel Craig becomes one) is screwing.
• Why Chicago didn't get the Olympics (ask Forbes) and how this adds to Chicagoans (nonexistent) inferiority complex about being the "second city" blah blah blah.
• Why Jennifer Aniston can't keep a man.
• Why Megan Fox can.
• Brangelina's latest pregnancy / adoption rumor.
• Whether Heidi Montag and that Spencer loser plan to have eight children and how their sex life is faring. (Dear god please no. Plus, does he actually have a penis?)
• Anyone associated with Lauren Conrad, people attached to the Gossip Girl and Ashley Simpson.
• The death of Jessica Simpson's dog.
• Jessica Simpson's weight issues / boob size / man troubles.
• Rachel Zoe (does it rhyme with Joe or Joey?)
• Anyone who Rachel Zoe(y?) dresses.
• Whether Miley Cyrus is going to continue to "tweet." Oh! Do continue to regale the world with your esoteric thoughts, Miley! Sadly, no. (If you do yourself one favor today, click on the Miley link. It's a treat, I promise.)
• The demise of Lindsey Lohan and her odd stalking of that DJ chick.
• Anyone with the last name Lohan. Except maybe Dina.

• Who took whose money out of the Gosselin joint checking account.
• Who Jon is screwing.
• Who Kate isn't screwing.
• Who anybody is screwing (except Daniel Craig).