Well, I finally did it. Facebook. I said I never would. But, hey, there are a lot of things I said I'd never do and have. Don't make me list them.
I was a hold-out but deep down I knew I'd cave. It was just a matter of when. It's like the first time I drank. Everyone started drinking at a high school party and I waited until like five minutes before we all had to go home and drank 45 screwdrivers in less than a minute to catch up.
Not to brag, but in less than a day I already had over 30 friends. Several I've never heard of. Several have never heard of me. I thought when Facebook made suggestions of who should be your friends (Facebook is like the FBI) that these people had already invited you to be friends. "Well," I thought to myself, "Josh looks like a nice person who probably never committed a felony and I don't want to offend him ... Sure! Let's be friends!" And then I get a note that Josh confirmed me as a friend. Which means I invited him. Does Josh wonder who I am and suspect we slept together? Josh looks promiscuous.
I am also friends with a fellow I knew briefly in the early 90s when my friend worked with him. He called me the "blonde Don Rickles." Back then he was referring to my sarcasm but I think he's probably pleasantly surprised I'm actually starting to look slightly like Don Rickles as well.
I spent about two hours sorting through photos trying to come up with an appropriate profile picture. The last decent photo of me is from about six years ago. But it seems disingenuous to post a photo of a person you no longer resemble. But given I swat anyone who comes within five feet of me with a camera, my recent photo options are limited. I settled on a photo from right before I got pregnant. Less than three years ago and it's a bit fuzzy. Works for me.
My main priority on Facebook will be to "untag" unflattering photos of myself that others post. Given I don't let cameras near me that should only take up 10 percent of my Facebooking (I understand you can now use "Facebook" as a verb). The other 90 percent will be stopping myself from making belittling comments on other people's stuff. Which is why I am never going on Facebook after a couple of glasses of wine. Who knows the havoc I will wreak. By the time I wake up the next morning and have insulted not only all of my friends but all of my friends friends, I will have been de-friended all over these United States. (I decided I am not going to be international friends with anyone. I have to draw the line somewhere. And if that line isn't going to be only befriending people I actually know, I'll use the U.S. border as my criteria for friendship.)
BUT NO TWITTER. This I mean. If I ever announce that I'm twitting or tweeting or what-have-you, kindly sneak into my house one evening and smother me.