We are back and settled in our home if you call surrounded by boxes and not being able to find a blender when you need one "settled in." I'd love to report the blender was for a stiff "boat drink" as Jimmy Buffet would call it, but sadly it was for pureed (homemade, organic) sweet potatoes for the girls. My point in mentioning the sweet potato part is to remind you I am all that and a bag of chips as a mother. Anyway, I became irate at my husband -- who was at work at the time -- that I couldn't find the blender. I'm sure somehow it's his fault.
What's also his fault: Since we had to completely unpack our house as though we just moved in, I took this opportunity to clean out and organize the girls' room and clothes. A pile they've outgrown to pass on to their younger cousin, a pile for donating and a pile that no human should ever have to lay eyes on ever again. I found a place for everything that currently fits and was pleased as punch with myself. So imagine my surprise when I went to the sock / tights drawer and the socks were missing. "Where the @#$! are their socks?!" I screamed like a deranged lunatic in my husband's general direction. Turns out he "thought it made more sense for the socks to be in a different drawer." BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE WHO PUTS THEIR SOCKS ON EVERY DAY??? Well, no.
So here's my plan. One day when he's traveling or otherwise not in his office, I'm going to smugly take the train downtown, make myself at home at his place of employment and rearrange everything how I would like it if I were still a productive member of corporate America. Pens will unnecessarily change drawers, pictures put on different shelves and file names changed and alphabetized in such a manner that Einstein couldn't decipher code. He won't be able to find a damn thing by the time I'm done with it. And then, just for effect, I'll send out several obnoxiously inappropriate e-mails from his computer, the kind I might have sent back in the day that seemed to rub folks the wrong way. Example:
Dear Legal People:I'm assuming by all of the non-legal-related edits you made to the press release that you'd like to be an editor rather than a lawyer. Might I suggest we compare paychecks at next Friday's happy hour before you decide for sure? Regardless, attached is the FINAL draft of the press release. While I admire your enthusiasm for the correct usage of the English language and its accompanying punctuation, if and only if you find something that WILL GET US SUED are you permitted to edit any further. Thanks for your understanding and ongoing legal expertise.
Unfortunately, my husband is in a different line of work than I was so I can't send this one verbatim. Although that would really confuse people and scream "crazy" so it might just work...