CMAs: The Good, the Overly Tan and the Cat Lady

Did you know I love country music? Well, I do. I have family who finds this strange given we're originally from New York. It's not like I say "y'all" or anything. But I would if George Strait asked me to... A few observations about last night's Country Music Awards:

• Speaking of George Strait, the man is 58 years old and hot. If I had a geriatric top five, he would certainly be #1. As a matter of fact, I might slip him into my regular top five right behind Daniel Craig (who would have to get a sex change operation for me to drop him from #1). It's a long story but I once received a phone call from George's tour bus driver who claimed to be good at "rounding up the ladies." I'm not kidding and it's too convoluted to explain right now.
• Speaking of convoluted, what rehab center was Kris Kristofferson granted leave from to attend the CMAs? Did he seem like he was on something or was it just me? It was like he was starring in "A Star is Heavily Medicated."
• I usually hate Dave Matthews. So much so that I jumped off a moving bus that was headed to his concert. But last night as he sang with Kenny Chesney I almost didn't want to kill him.
• Nicole Kidman was seated in the front row with Keith Urban. Is Nicole Kidman dead and Keith Urban had her body taxidermied so he always had a date to award shows? She looks crazy. I don't know what she's having done or why, but maybe Tom Cruise saw that a plastic immovable face was in his future and that explains the abrupt divorce.
• At first glance, one might think Darius Rucker was the blackest person at the CMAs. He was -- until Winona Judd hit the stage. HOLY CRAP! Did she pass out on margaritas on some beach in Mexico and wake up right before the awards burnt to a crisp? And Naomi wasn't looking so hot herself but at least she still looked the same race.
• Speaking of perhaps not realizing one was supposed to appear at an event that evening, LeAnn Rimes looked like someone punched her in the face. Her stylist calls it "smoky eyes." I call it "got the crap beat out of you." And that's not entirely out of the realm of possibility given she really pissed off her married lover's wife.
• Speaking of eyes, does Taylor Swift look like a cat? Might she actually be a cat? I had to leave the room during her opening performance. It was that bad and I couldn't be party to it as a witness. Entertainer of the year? Silly. Female vocalist of the year? Ridiculous. Nothing can top Carrie Underwood's performance of "I Told You So." Regardless, I fear in 40 years Taylor is going to look like this, and that's without any plastic surgery.
• Listen, I like Darius Rucker as much as the next guy. But an award as a "new" artist? He's not new! He's Hootie! He's been around for years! He's not really even that country. The least he could have done was wear a cowboy hat to blend a little.
• Could they have shown that Father of the Bride chick any more sitting in the front row? Yes, I know she's married to Brad Paisley and he was hosting the show. But come on. I was waiting for Martin Short to come out and start wedding planning.
• Did you catch the Burger King commercial starring the Rascal Flatts? Umm. I hate to state the obvious, but might it be better if the lead singer stay away from the Whoppers for a while?
• Kid Rock is strangely sexy. Diseased, probably, but strangely sexy.
• Overall, these awards were way better than the Grammys or Emmys or Oscars. It was actually kind of funny and the award recipients didn't blather on or try to make political statements or wait to get chased off stage by music signaling them to shut the hell up.