Check Out RealityRoadKill

The hilariousness behind Baby on Bored and I decided to combine all of our TV talk into one blog where we'll discuss various tv shows and related topics such as where I should move now that America voted Chuck Wicks off Dancing With the Stars.  I'll still be doing nearly daily posts here too. So continue to visit all the sites, people. I mean, what do you have a job or kids or a life or something???

More Shark Jumping

I really just wanted an excuse to post another pic I found of The Fonz in shorts. Plus I've never gotten so many comments -- it was thrilling in an opiate high kind of way. But now I have to list a few more things I suppose...

The term "baby daddy":  Since when have legitimate news organizations been using this term in their headlines?  Can you be married and have a baby daddy or is this just for non-marrieds?  If the latter, I find that discriminatory and would like to ask the ACLU to look into it.

Collagen-Injected Lips:  Other than Lisa Rinna, have we all learned that inflating your lips with copious amounts of collagen doesn't render us looking like Angelina Jolie but rather a not-very-attractive fish, hence the term "trout pout?"  Good.  Who wants to tell Lisa?

Denise Richards: From Bond Girl to Hollywood Wife to Rock Star Girlfriend/Husband Stealer to Reality Star Flop to Reality Star Cast-Off, she's not only jumped the shark but maybe two whales, an octopus and a school of scorpions ... She managed to plummet from A list to D list faster than Pam Anderson changes implant sizes.  Go. A. Way.  Please.  My guess is she turns up next on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here in Costa Rica only because disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich couldn't get permission to leave the country. 

Mel Gibson:  Listen, sugar tits, you're not aging well, your wife left you and you have substance abuse issues.  And your new girlfriend looks like Angelina Jolie if Angelina Jolie was hit upside the head with a two-by-four.  

Brad Pitt: And speaking of Angie, ya know what?  Brad Pitt has peaked.  I don't like the beret. I don't like the random facial hair. I don't like the gaggle of kids whose names I'm beginning to no longer keep straight.  She hasn't told me this directly, but my guess is Angie is getting bored and trying to decide how to get out without looking like a family-wrecking fickle-hearted tart. Plus, she really should have someone else lined up (hopefully without an affinity for blood like Billy Bob) to help her care for her traveling orphanage.  That can't be fun alone.

People Magazine's Most Beautiful List: I have no problem with Christina Applegate being this year's cover girl.  She's a lovely, likable gal. But Timothy Geithner and "Twinkle Toes" Rahm Emanuel?  I used to live in Washington DC -- most unfortunate looking bunch of people you've ever seen -- so perhaps they are "DC Hot," which isn't saying much, but MOST BEAUTIFUL??? Other people on the list I have a problem with: George Clooney (how original!), Brad Pitt (ditto!) and Christina Aguilera (hideous!). I haven't seen the actual magazine -- and won't until I visit my dentist or hair dresser -- so I reserve the right to further comment.

Dancing With the Stars:  Chuck Wicks is gone.  Need I say more?  

The United States of America:  Yes, I need say more. America voted Chuck Wicks off DWTS. Clearly the end of our country as we know it. Speaking of which, Julianne Hough made the People Most Beautiful list. Did Chuck?  If so, I may take it off my shark list.

If It's Good Enough for Suri Cruise ...

My almost 18-month-old twins are still on the bottle.  They have three per day and other than that drink water out of a sippy cup.  When I offer them milk in a sippy, they shake their heads furiously and shout "Bot bot bot!" in unison and point to where I keep the bottles.  I decided I wasn't going to fret and I'd try again in a month or so. Until this conversation:

My mother to my sister: Are the girls still on the bottle?

My 5-year-old niece interjects:  I HOPE NOT!  Mom, are we going to do that to our new baby?

So, you see, when a five-year-old is horrified that her cousins are still on the bottle and worried her mother will treat their new baby as neglectfully, perhaps it's time to take a stance. We are going there to visit in a couple of weeks and I feel the need to prove to my niece that I am an adequate mother who does not keep babies on the bottle well past the pediatrician's recommended time frame.  Either that or I plan on bringing a bunch of tabloid pictures of Suri Cruise and explain that it is very chic to be on the bottle at this age and she should be so lucky if her mother treats their new baby accordingly.

Suri, as evidenced in this photo, was two years old and still drinking a bottle. That gives me a good six months. And I'm assuming the Cruise's can hire an Executive Nanny Solely in Charge of Getting Suri Off the Bottle. So what are we commoners to do?  (At least I don't let them go out in public with it. Sniff!)

Yes, I've tried a few different types of sippy cups. They are not fooled into thinking they are some kind of new-fangled bottle.  "Bot bot bot ... WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  (Picture LuLu and Moxley's mom cowering in a corner with hands over her ears reaching for Xanax and filling baby bottles feverishly with warm milk.) My tolerance for screaming and whining is somewhat lower than the average person.  Heeeellllllppppp!  

The Terrorists Have Won

In what kind of world do we with live where Chuck Wicks is voted off (America, you disgust me!) of Dancing With the Stars?  I immediately turned and punched my husband. I blame him for voting for Ty Murray after he swore Chuck was safe so voting for him was a wasted vote. Another step in my husband's sinister plot to get me to divorce him?  Well, if it comes to light Ty won by only ONE vote, divorce he shall get!  (Yes, it was Chuck and Melissa up last on the chopping block but as REPEATEDLY reminded by the tanorexic Samantha, they were named "in no particular order" so my guess is the bottom two were actually Chuck and Ty.) 

So speaking of Samantha, at one point she was interviewing L'il Kim and her arms were just as dark. Sam Baby, turn off the tanning spray before your race is indeterminable.  So before this dreadful turn of events, I could pretty much tolerate all of the remaining stars. Now I hate them all and will find every Monday and Tuesday nights excruciatingly painful. Alas, I have a blog audience (all 10 of you including my mother and Anonymous)  counting on me to continue this journey we all started together.  But let me just say of the remaining contestants, whom I now despise:

• L'il Kim is a convicted felon. With tinted blue contact lenses and an unfortunate boob job. 
• Gilles Marini is FRENCH. That's almost as bad as being a convicted felon.  And how unpatriotic of America to keep him and boot American-as-apple-pie Chuck Wicks.  Enculez vous!  (I think that mean f$%# you in French.  The polite form as opposed to "Encule tu!" the familiar form. I've never met Gilles so might as well be polite about it...)
• Shawn Johnson: I know she's an Olympic gold medalist or whatever but I find her as graceful as a Teletubby.  The one that carries the purse.  And would the make-up people please stop with the blue eye shadow that makes her look like a broken housewife pushing 50?
• Melissa Rycroft: I know she can dance. But when America sides with a woman who was in love with the worst Bachelor in its 14-year-history (well, except maybe that Andy Baldwin Officer and a Gentleman loser) instead of cutey Chuck Wicks, the jilted sympathy card has expired.
• Ty Murray: I want to say something mean. I really do. But I even find his teeth endearing now.  The man endured the humiliation of a spray tan machine on national television and I can't help but like him.  Please Professional Cowboy Rodeo Association members, help me keep him alive now that Chuck is gone!

So, as promised, I am moving from this once great country that has fallen so far that it has no regard for beauty.  Look at those two above in all their glory!  Who doesn't want to look at them every week? You, America, you.  So please vote on where I should move:

• A. New Zealand (I plan to be one of those annoying people who live somewhere a few months and pick up the local dialect like they haven't spoken with the same accent for 40 years and it's suddenly replaced in only a few days.)  I will hunt down Murray from Flight of the Concords as I have a weird crush on him and want to mess up his hair.  Present!
• B. Mexico (I think this swine flu scare is some kind of plot not to share tequila with Americans.)
• C. France (I plan to terrorize the French citizens for voting internationally to save that Gilles freak. Yes, let's blame the French!  And my husband.)  Plus, bonus, I can say f#$% you in French.

I Think My Husband Wants a Divorce

What else can explain this statement:  "Doesn't Chuck Wicks kind of look like Bob Guiney?" WWWHHHHHAATTTTTT???? Good thing we have TIVO and could hit pause during Dancing With the Stars last night because this conversation couldn't wait until commercial break.  So, now, whenever I fantasize about Chuck Wicks, Bob Guiney's big fat head is going to pop into my brain. Maybe my husband is smarter than I give him credit for... The other possible explanations for this statement:

• He's suffering early dementia
• He's going prematurely blind
• He simply has bad taste

He married me so let's rule out the third option, shall we?  I guess of the remaining two, I'd prefer he be going blind.  That way he won't see all the clothes I will buy when he reaches full blind status and he won't know our home has been foreclosed and that we've moved in with my parents.  (I will tell him he's hearing things when my parents are squawking and hopefully he won't be one of those ambitious blind people who memorize how many steps it is to the bathroom and such.)

Of course, this may be the first step in his forcing me to divorce him.  If tonight he says something equally ridiculous like Daniel Craig looks like Steve Wozniak I'll know for sure. You know how when you're dating and a guy wants to break up with you but doesn't have the balls so he forces you to do it by treating you like crap?  Maybe that's what he's up to.  He's playing with the master, however, so I hope he knows what he's getting into.

Anyway, so after I pulled up about 200 pictures of Chuck Wicks and Bob Guiney and forced him to admit they weren't even the same species let alone look similar, we decided we had to vote for Ty Murray last night because he's so nice and I agreed only because I figured Chuck was safe.  But then I logged onto abc.com and voted for Chuck instead.  Honesty in marriage is over-rated.  So I'm banking on the Professional Rodeo Cowboy Association coming in strong for Ty. Yes, there is such a thing.

Melissa was injured last night so she didn't perform. I was slightly disappointed when I found out it was a bruised rib caused during practice and Molly didn't drive 800 miles wearing a diaper armed with rope and duct tape like that astronaut lady.  Oh well. So the results are tonight. I hope Ty doesn't get the boot (Get it? Baahahahahahahahaha!) but sadly he might.  

I wish in the most shocking rose ceremony ever (I realize I'm getting my reality shows confused) they banish that Samantha host instead of one of the dancers.  Good tv, people. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Things That Have Jumped the Shark

I realize the term "jumped the shark" has itself "jumped the shark" but anything that invokes images of Fonzie on water skis in his leather jacket still works for me.  So here are some things I think have jumped the shark.  (This means has passed their peak, are no longer relevant, they suck.)  

Nate Berkus: I know he's cute. Why do all the hetero women feel the need to repeatedly point this out?  HE DOESN'T THINK YOU'RE CUTE. HE'LL NEVER THINK YOU'RE CUTE. HE PLAYS FOR THE OTHER TEAM. GET OVER IT. Cuteness aside, he bores me senseless.  I mean, survive one tsunami and you're forever in with Oprah?  Sheesh.  I guess the guy can decorate but so can five million other people for crying out loud.  BTW, he's on today's Oprah which is why I'm boycotting.  How many times can one man appear on Opes?  

Dr. Oz:  To answer my last question, about a billion.  So tomorrow Dr. Oz is on Opes to talk about that flesh-eating disease which we all lie awake each night thinking about.  Can you imagine what he'll bring for show-and-tell? Good times. I won't be tuning in until Wednesday when Opes talks to a bunch of hookers from the Bunny Ranch. Yowzer.

Dooce.com: Am I the only person who doesn't get this?  Are bodily functions that humorous and fascinating that they deserve their own archive category?  I know the woman checked herself into a psych ward -- and that's somewhat entertaining -- but besides that I don't get it. I, by the way, would LOVE to go to a psych ward for a brief spell. It sounds relaxing and I bet they dispense cool meds I've never even heard of.  Where do I sign up and do they take UnitedHealthcare?

Stephanie Klein's Greek Tragedy: This site has never been funny, but it was fascinating in a voyeuristic sort of way. And then it wasn't.  Watch here where the husband-wife duo discuss going to couples therapy and try to tell me they don't deserve each other and should grow old together so nobody else ever has to date them.  (And yes, I know I have exactly four people who read this blog, including Anonymous who thinks I am a petty person, and the two aforementioned blogs have thousands.  Feel free to point this out but I am aware of that just so you know...)

Having Twins: It was getting to be very run-of-the-mill and then Octomom goes and pulls the eight-at-once card rendering us twin moms a casualty of fertility treatments gone wild.  Even having triplets these days is passe'. Big whoop. Nowadays you need to give birth to identical quintuplets to even have a shot at a reality show.  

Holly Montag and Spencer Pratt: The fact that these two morons even had a shark to jump deeply disturbs me. Even more upsetting is they possibly only jumped it in my very limited world view as I can't seem to get away from the coverage of their second wedding or first real wedding or only wedding or whatever the case may be about which I could only care less about what Nate Berkus will be decorating on Oprah today.  By the way, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I only know Lauren Conrad, whoever the hell she is, doesn't like them.

Showering Every Day: Unless you're single, who are you trying to impress? If you're a SAHM, showering daily says to your husband in no uncertain terms "I have time to shower." Don't give him such satisfaction (of thinking you have time or having a fresh-smelling spouse). I mean, really, what has he done for you lately?  (Speaking of which, Janet Jackson has also jumped the shark but I don't think she deserved her very own paragraph).

Working: With all the bailouts, stimulus checks, extended unemployment benefits and such, working is for suckers.  (Honey, if you're reading this, I'm not talking to you.  Frankly, I don't want you around all day.)  It's gonna take quite a bit of motivation for me to consider going back to work. Like maybe a boss who looks like Daniel Craig or Chuck Wicks.

If you think something has jumped the shark (me, perhaps?) please share. At least then I will know somebody is reading.

More Advice Please?

Since everyone is begging me for more advice (okay, one person and "begging" might be a bit strong) here is another one of my advice columns in an ill-fated, unread, free-to-the-public paper.

Dear L.:

 

I just found out my husband was never officially divorced from his first wife.  He swears he didn’t know that the divorce never went through and that it was a “clerical error involving paperwork.”  I didn’t even know he was married before.  Could his story be true?

 

L. Says:

 

Ha!  If I had a dime for every husband who told me he was still married to his ex because of a “clerical error involving paperwork!”

 

You ask if this story could be true.  Let’s put it this way:

 

Could aliens have come down last night from Planet Fatso and injected lard into my ass which explains why I gained weight or was it more likely the whole pizza I ate after too much boozing?  Anything, I suppose, COULD be true.  But ask yourself what is more likely.

 

I consulted my very influential and highly successful friend who also happens to be a divorce attorney and here’s what she said about your “husband’s” (he's not really your husband as he is fortunately married to someone else) story, and I quote:

 

“BULLSHIT.”

 

Please re-read your question to me.  You didn’t even know that he had been married.  Where I come from one talks about such things prior to getting married.  It usually comes up on a first date somewhere between “I’ll have a chardonnay” and “Do you want to come upstairs?”

 

Consider yourself lucky that your marriage is not official, chalk it up to bad judgment and think of it as fodder for conversation on your next date. (From whom I assume you will require proof of his single status.)