Friday, February 26, 2010

Hand-Held Mirrors and Other Bad Inventions

Let's Get Physical?

My daughter either plans to single-handedly bring back the early 80s by channeling Olivia Newton-John:

Or she's trying to subtly suggest that her mother should begin working out again. While neither is a particularly attractive option, I fear it's the latter. I made the grave mistake of looking at my bare ass in the mirror the other day. Why I have no idea. I think there's a reason God puts our asses back there where we can't readily see them: to keep middle aged women from viewing their own asses and subsequently ending their own lives.

Up until recently, I didn't have a real hand-held mirror. If I for some reason needed to see the back of my head or similar I used my compact. But that broke recently and I got the crazy idea to buy one of those big hand-held jobbers with one side that hugely magnifies every imperfection. My imperfections are best kept in real size, if not minimized, but certainly not maximized.

So anyway, it suddenly occurred to me after stepping out of the shower that I haven't gotten a good gander at my backside in quite some time. HOLYMOTHEROFGOD. I'd make a reference here to cottage cheese except I see no reason to insult an entire industry that really has done nothing bad to me personally.

I used to have a fairly consistent routine of going to spin class several times per week. But when my house flooded and we moved downtown for a spell I seemed to reason that my gym was too far away (errrr, 15 minutes instead of 5) and simply never went back. That was in August. I'm not sayin' my ass was great before, but if I knew in six short months it would turn into that monstrosity in the mirror, I might have kept going.

People, this is a long-winded way of saying that I am going to start working out again. Soon.

And here's the most depressing part. It's not like I have a bunch of weight to lose. If I could delude myself into thinking, "Well, after losing 15 pounds my ass will look like Jennifer Aniston's ass" that would be most satisfactory. Unfortunately, if I lost 15 pounds my ass would probably still look like my ass only slightly smaller. Like maybe if you had a bowl of cottage cheese and ate some of it.

No, my condition is much more dire and incurable: I'm old.

PS -- If "Let's Get Physical" isn't the world's most embarrassing video ever created, do regale me with what is.


  1. good luck with getting back in shape. i have been avoiding the gym due to illness, but that was, like, a month ago. i can't seem to motivate myself to go back. i tell myself i will go and i get dressed in gym clothes, but end up running errands instead. i'm just lazy. i need to get running again since i'm going to the beach in a month and i'm not "baywatch" ready. your daughter is adorable and fashionable, and that video is horrible, but i love that song. take care.

  2. PLEASE do not let her channel Sheena Easton. PLEASE.

  3. Oh, and i thought of a video vixen that comes pretty close, if not beating out Olivia for worst video, and that is Alyssa Milano. you can see "What a Feeling" and a few others on Youtube. take care.

  4. Staying movitated to work out is HARD! My newest form of motivation is the 30 Day Challenge found on the Sports Active game for Wii. So if I am only hitting the gym once or twice a week, I can still work out. But how can I not stay motivated when my Wii Trainer says such enouraging things like, "You, my friend, are poetry in motion" or "You run around the track like you own it!" After being bossed around all day by a 3 1/2 year old and 11 month old, it's nice to have someone say I am doing an awesome job . . .

    I *heart* Olivia Newton John, but hate that video. I agree with Susan and the whole Sheena Easton thing.

    And try not to be so hard on yourself. I feel things look worse than they are if I know in my mind I haven't been working out.

  5. Your girls are so cute! Love the little button nose!

  6. That picture is adorable. Of your daughter, not Olivia. She's beautiful, but I don't know that that was her finest moment.

    I hear you on our asses being back there for a reason. When we remodeled the bathroom, my husband thoughfully bought a full-length mirror. He also thoughtfully put it in the back of the bathroom, by the linen tower, so it doesn't assault me with my own image when I'm not prepared (his first thought was to put it across from the shower--as if that would not have ended tragically). Every so often, I take a peek in there, in the hopes that my body has magically slenderized, evened out its skin tone, and lifted all the saggy bits. Sadly, no such miracle has occurred. But I dearly love your image of a bowl of cottage cheese where you ate some. Sounds like a worthwhile goal. In fact, as I'm getting my ass kicked in Wii tennis (I have no time, money, or inclination for an actual gym) I'm going to replace "Take that, you computer-generated bastards!" with "Eat that cottage cheese!"