There's an App For That!

Allow me to be the first to announce that I am NOT a tech-y. Let me be the second to announce that I AM married to one. If there is an app, no matter how nonsensical, he thinks it's the greatest thing since, well, the last app he downloaded. He has a not-so-secret crush on Steve Jobs. When Apple has its annual conference where they announce all of their new-fangled products like a phone as big as a bite-sized Snickers bar, my husband salivates and sort of silently begs me to let him buy whatever it is. Um, no. If I'm not sitting ass in the Caribbean for two weeks this winter, then we can't afford a flying, talking, voice-sensitive gadget that alerts us that the neighbor didn't curb his dog's crap or similar.

You know how some women get a "push present" for giving birth like a diamond bracelet or something sparkly from Tiffany's? I got a Mac laptop. Well, it was sort of presented as a "thanks for giving birth to the twins, happy 40th birthday and I'll prove to you Apple is the best company on the planet once and for all" gift. That said, I do love it. But if I said I wanted an iPhone he'd die in peace right there and then. (And don't think I haven't considered it -- we do have a nice life insurance policy...) But frankly, I want a phone that is just that -- A PHONE! Sure, I take photos of the girls eating their feet at dinner every now and then, but I don't need a phone that can "name that tune" in five bars or less (yes, there is an app for that) or that let's me announce a friend's name and automatically dials the number (surely that gets people into trouble -- how is one supposed to gossip with an app like that floating in one's pocket?)

So the dilly of all apps came to my attention the other day when I handed my husband the grocery list and he sat at his phone for TWO HOURS doing something or other before leaving to do said grocery shopping. He got home and had the balls to say, "Wow. That iPhone grocery app made it a lot quicker!" This was said without a drop of irony. I guess he wasn't counting the two hours and six minutes (I timed him) it took to ENTER THE GROCERY LIST into his phone before trotting off to the store. Steve Jobs, are you f@#$ing with me? This app arranges your grocery list BY AISLE for easy grocery shopping? Because grocery shopping is so darned complicated? I mean, really? Why not just high-tail it down each aisle and grab what you need?

When told about this glorious technical breakthrough, I said nothing. I'll let my husband think this app is the piece de resistance of all apps if that will make him happy. Besides I hear there is a crockpot recipe app so I may have to get one of those thingamajigs myself here soon.

BTW -- Is there an app for making your husband turn into Daniel Craig?