"You'll eat me and you'll like me."
Yes, I'm still crockpotting like a deranged 1950s housewife. Yesterday morning, as I gathered up the ingredients for my latest (DELICIOUS) creation, my husband casually asked, "What are we having for dinner?" In retrospect, I wished I'd used that Elizabeth Perkins line from About Last Night when her one-night stand asks what she's making for breakfast: "McDonalds, corner of Broadway and Belmont." That corner is actually near us so it wouldn't have been that far-fetched.
Instead, I answered truthfully and without sarcasm. Beef pot roast slow-cooked in condensed tomato soup and onions.
"Oh... hmmm," he answered. I should have stopped right there. I should have ignored the "hmmm." In my experience, hmms should always be ignored. My husband's and everybody else's. But that's not in my nature -- ignoring hmms and other things that bug the shit out of me, that is. I spun around on my broom stick in mid-air and yelled, "HMM WHAT???!!!"
"Nothing..." he said hesitantly. I knew he had something to say and I was going to gut it out of him if need be, and I just might have given I was conveniently chopping onions at the time.
"Well... umm... that just doesn't sound very good," he finally admitted.
I slammed down an onion, threw the can of tomato soup at his head (I unfortunately missed) and calmly asked what it is His Majesty would prefer for dinner. Like the moron all men are, he actually answered instead of saying, "Dead cow smothered in Campbell's tomato soup sounds practically gourmet, dear. Carry on!" Have I mentioned lately that all men are idiots?
Here's what he dared to say instead: "Why don't you Google 'Alton Brown crock pot recipes' and see if something better comes up?'" Oh, I don't know. Same reason you don't go stick a rod up your ass and go for a trail ride. It'll be a big pain in the ass.
See, this episode just validates my theory that stretching one's self, going above and beyond if you will, just isn't worth it. Pretty soon things are expected. Things like becoming a Food Network recipe-hunting psychopath. Things like having to make a dinner that has more than three ingredients. Things like maintaining a Brazilian wax no matter how painful the process. (Okay, the last one isn't related but probably deserves its own post.)
Learn from my mistakes! If you don't currently cook, don't start! You're welcome.