Thursday, February 4, 2010

McDonalds, Corner of Broadway and Belmont

"You'll eat me and you'll like me."

Yes, I'm still crockpotting like a deranged 1950s housewife. Yesterday morning, as I gathered up the ingredients for my latest (DELICIOUS) creation, my husband casually asked, "What are we having for dinner?" In retrospect, I wished I'd used that Elizabeth Perkins line from About Last Night when her one-night stand asks what she's making for breakfast: "McDonalds, corner of Broadway and Belmont." That corner is actually near us so it wouldn't have been that far-fetched.

Instead, I answered truthfully and without sarcasm. Beef pot roast slow-cooked in condensed tomato soup and onions.

"Oh... hmmm," he answered. I should have stopped right there. I should have ignored the "hmmm." In my experience, hmms should always be ignored. My husband's and everybody else's. But that's not in my nature -- ignoring hmms and other things that bug the shit out of me, that is. I spun around on my broom stick in mid-air and yelled, "HMM WHAT???!!!"

"Nothing..." he said hesitantly. I knew he had something to say and I was going to gut it out of him if need be, and I just might have given I was conveniently chopping onions at the time.

"Well... umm... that just doesn't sound very good," he finally admitted.

I slammed down an onion, threw the can of tomato soup at his head (I unfortunately missed) and calmly asked what it is His Majesty would prefer for dinner. Like the moron all men are, he actually answered instead of saying, "Dead cow smothered in Campbell's tomato soup sounds practically gourmet, dear. Carry on!" Have I mentioned lately that all men are idiots?

Here's what he dared to say instead: "Why don't you Google 'Alton Brown crock pot recipes' and see if something better comes up?'" Oh, I don't know. Same reason you don't go stick a rod up your ass and go for a trail ride. It'll be a big pain in the ass.

See, this episode just validates my theory that stretching one's self, going above and beyond if you will, just isn't worth it. Pretty soon things are expected. Things like becoming a Food Network recipe-hunting psychopath. Things like having to make a dinner that has more than three ingredients. Things like maintaining a Brazilian wax no matter how painful the process. (Okay, the last one isn't related but probably deserves its own post.)

Learn from my mistakes! If you don't currently cook, don't start! You're welcome.


  1. that is why i have not purchased a crock-pot. every woman i know has one and swears by them. i think i would just swear at it. i also prefer my husband to maintain his low expectations in regards to my culinary skills. if i start making good stuff, he'll try to make me do more work in the kitchen. grilled cheese and pasta is on the menu in my house. at least you made an effort. take care.

  2. Good for you for trying. We have an unspoken rule at my house, "if you complain about the meal, you get to cook from now on." It keeps everyone happy. If my husband wants something other than the "gourmet" meal I have planned, he can cook it himself!

  3. ROTFLMAO! One thing my dh never does is criticize my cooking. He knows better. ;) I love your humor. How did the roast turn out?

  4. Glad you're back to posting more often. I thought I was actually going to have to concentrate on work.

  5. First off, loved that you referenced About Last Night. Haven't seen that in ages! I would have done the same thing with hubs. Last week I overcooked the pork chops and got "they're a bit dry". No shit. All three children and myself are sick with colds and my freaking foot is in a boot from surgery and I still made dinner. Anything but you're a goddess, queen, genius would be unacceptable at that point don't ya think??

  6. thanks for the laugh! the part about sticking a rod up your ass...I might have to steal that one! too funny.

  7. First of all, those onions look like they are in a glamour shot picture! Delish!!

    Second of all, forget what your husband has to say about it. Be proud of yourself for totally going out of your comfort zone and mastering a new skill!

    By the way, what's there not to love; red meat, tomato soup, and onions?!

  8. Um, I hate onions so I kind of see his point. Other than that, we are living the exact same life. I swear to GOD. Preschool (and for me add the horror of kindergarten), crock potting -it's my new obsession as well!And a big old hate of forms. And there's something else...oh yeah, the potty training or not potty training as the case may be! Seriously, we need to be sister wives!

  9. Just in case you need it or anyone else does