Friday, December 4, 2009

Random Christmas Season Thoughts

Do you think when Jesus fed the homeless and turned water into wine and other stuff that made people name a religion after him that he ever thought he'd one day be depicted as an infant in a Little People's Nativity Scene set? We got one for Christmas last year and as I set it up the other day one of the girls came running, picked up Baby Jesus, yelled "Baby!" and flung him across the room then giggled manically when he hit the wall. I'm not sure, but I think you can be deterred at the pearly gates for that. The other one seems intent on alternately eating Baby Jesus and throwing him down the slide while yelling "Crash, boom, bang!" Is this what Fisher Price had in mind when they conceptualized this product?

Why is Santa such an asshole in Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer? I have fond memories of Christmas specials from when I was a kid so I was excited to watch Rudolph with the girls. I forgot how mean Santa is and that there is an abominable snow monster. He came on screen roaring and rolling his big googly eyes and I shrieked, "Look at the nice snow man!" and immediately changed the channel. All I need in life right now is my kids to start using monsters as a stalling tactic at bed time. Right now we're in the "I"m thirsty" stage which is easily rectified with some water but I don't know how to handle misfit abominable snow monsters.

Speaking of Christmas specials, did you know there is a Christmas-themed Caillou where Caillou goes Christmas caroling with his family and then has a Christmas party at school where Ms. Martin explains how different religions have different holiday traditions? Did you know I've been forced to watch it 57 times so far and I might hunt down whoever does the voiceover for Caillou's character and bludgeon him or her?

Does that Elf on a Shelf guy look like he's up to no good or is it me? I mean, he is the one who is supposed to spying on the kids and tattling to Santa, but I feel like any minute he might spring to life and rob us blind. And I feel like he's always watching me, judging. I want to wipe that smirk right off his little elfish face.

My girls are obsessed with what food we'll leave for Santa and the reindeer. When I suggested apples for the reindeer the mean twin screamed, "Those are MY apples!" See what I'm dealing with here? She gets the concept that these reindeer are flying here to leave her presents but doesn't even want to share any apples with them, even after I explained how hungry they'd be from their long journey. She finally agreed to letting Santa have some milk and cookies but only if she got some before bedtime too.

I can't wait until they're old enough that I can implement the old coal-in-the-stocking threat. Which really should negate the need for an elf sitting on my shelf. Maybe I'll add him to the Little People nativity scene to ratchet up the blasphemy a bit.


  1. Thank the sweet baby Jesus that someone else out there thinks the Elf on the Shelf is as creepy as I do! I think him robbing you in the middle of the night is the least of your worries - those creepy things look capable of murder to me. Just sayin'.

  2. Santa is an asshole in that movie! We watched it last night, and when Rudolph's fake nose fell off, Santa turned to the dad and said, "You should be ashamed of yourself, Donner."

    I turned to my husband and said, "Holy shit! Santa's a jerk!" Luckily my daughter was oblivious.

  3. Santa is a giant asshole in that movie! Plus I think it's creepy that Santa and Mrs. Clause refer to each other as "Maw" and "Paw." Rudolph's dad is a dick, too!

    Empathy and sharing are hard for little ones to get. Hell, there are some big ones out there that still don't get it. Hang in there!

  4. great post. my son is learning all about the nativity stuff at school. i don't know any of it, so he is teaching me. i still don't get it, but whatevs. btw, Bed, Bath & Beyond has coal in a bag for sale. i'm picking up one for my kid. santa is not visiting him this year. Easter bunny might skip us, too. take care.

  5. mmmm okay this is awkward but I awarded you one of those awardee things so if you want to see it comon' by. ok. bye.

  6. Oh and it's on Lights!Camera!Diapers! not FU Sugar. Just to be clear. Ok. Ahem. bye.

  7. You are so correct about the Santa on the Rudolph special. Every year I think to myself, what an ass. And to whomever came up with the Elf on the Shelf idea, it's coal for you. We do not own one. My 7 year olds beg for it. So and so has a special elf from the north pole. Why doesn't a special elf come to our house each day? Uhh, because mommy would most likely forget to move the damn thing each night and then the jig would be up. That's why. Between the advent calendar each day and the million other things I have to do this time of year, I just can't worry about an elf.

  8. Elf on a Shelf looks pure evil to me. (As evil as "High 5," which the kids are watching right now. Thank your lucky stars for Caillou.)

    And I'm curious about the Little People Jesus-both what the creators thought would happen to a toy baby Jesus in a house full of children, and how St Peter might feel about it all.