Me! I never win things. Although I did win the national gold medal in the 11-12 year-old female breast stroke when I lived in Saudi Arabia. But think about how many girls are actually allowed to wear swim suits over there and you can see how hard it was to come in first.
So imagine my ecstasy when the very entertaining and HOLLYWOOD-esque Sweet Jane from Lights! Cameras! Diapers! named me as an Honest Scrap award winner. She is relatively new to blogging but already has more followers than I have. Bitch. And THEN, several days later the lovely Laura who has seven-year-old twins PLUS a toddler tagged me as a Theta mom, which has nothing to do with the greek system . Laura has one more child than me yet seems 10 times more sane. And publishes a very honest look at motherhood via Kiddie Kaleidoscope.
Receiving the Honest Scrap award requires me to provide 10 things about myself and list five bloggers who have inspired me and whose blogs I admire. It's always about me, people, so let's do the 10 things about me first.
1) I am so old that I was the oldest person in the delivery room when my twins were born. This includes my high-risk Ob-Gyn, my husband (I like 'em younger) and all the riff-raff hanging around in case something went wrong.
2) I once lost 8 pounds soley giving up the French Vanilla International Delights coffee creamer I so enjoy. I drink that much coffee. People, I have twins.
3) My college boyfriend who was up to his ears in debt once told a creditor who called that "you can't squeeze orange juice out of a turnip." His car was re-possessed shortly thereafter. It was only then he was faithful to me for three months straight (as far as I know) because he needed my car to deliver pizzas.
4) I have a long history of questionable taste in men (not you, Daniel Craig, never you!).
5) I was driving in the car recently with the girls and the Barry Manilow version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" came on the radio and I cried. With joy. I love Barry. I don't trust people who don't love Barry.
6) I believe every decision (good or bad) I've made in my life was specifically because I was supposed to have the exact children I have and if I changed one thing it may have resulted in a different outcome that doesn't result in their existence.
7) Believing that every bad decision I've ever made ultimately resulted in my girls eliminates the need for regret, an emotion I find largely a waste of time. I like to waste time in more fun ways, like looking up lyrics to John Mayer songs and making fun of them in my head.
8) Speaking of talking to yourself in your head, that Oprah Book Club book "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle deeply upset me because he says the voice in your head constantly talking to you isn't really you. Then who the hell is it? I kind of like the person who talks to me in my head and if it's not me I'd like to meet him or her.
9) I took a conversational French course one summer, hid in the back and the only thing I recall saying in French the entire term was "Mel Gibson has a nice ass" when asked to comment on a film I recently saw. (That was in the late 80s when Mel did still in fact still have a nice ass.)
10) I have absolutely no desire to go to Paris. And it has nothing to do with my bad French.
Okay, so a few of the blogs I love and inspire me I can't pass along this award to. They are busy with book deadlines and writing projects and / or have already been nominated. Wendi Aarons is completely hilarious and I wish I'd known her in college so we could have gotten sauced at sorority barn bashes together. Stefanie Wilder-Taylor of Baby on Bored (and numerous awesome, laugh-out-loud funny books) gave me renewed confidence in my writing when she actually mentioned my blog. Alexa over at Flotsam can make you laugh and cry in the same post. That's talent, people! Buy her book coming out next year.
Okay, now here comes a confession. I don't really read tons of blogs, except a few I got hooked on a long time ago. Between my girls and freelance work and being a general indentured servant, I don't really have time. Which I know sucks given I want people to read mine.
So I'm going to cheat by combining the five blog mentions from both awards into one post (coming soon) along with the requirement I list five things that helped shape me as an "authentic mom" which is what the Theta deal is all about. Are authentic mothers allowed to get Botox? I hope that doesn't disqualify me, prompting the judges to pry the award from my very hands as I'm up on stage accepting accolades and thanking my dermatologist...
And thanks to Jane and Laura for thinking of me for these. It's very humbling in a Sally Field "you like me you really like me" sort of way.