Friday, January 1, 2010

Butterflies and Ice Cream

I eat humans...

I desperately want my children to be having fun every moment of every day. I have no idea where I got the notion that children having fun 24 hours per day seven days a week equals being a good mother. If that were so I suppose Dina Lohan would be mother of the century. Expect several stints in juvy by the time the girls reach 13.

Anyway, on my never-ending quest to entertainment my children, I did two things this week on opposite sides of the spectrum that I never would have considered prior to breeding, nor do I particularly want to do them now. One kind of high brow and the other decidedly not.

1) We went to the Nature Museum. I don't like nature. So a museum dedicated to it holds no interest for me. The last time I communed with nature was in college when my philandering boyfriend dragged me camping for the weekend where he proceeded to inform me I was getting fat. Why a guy would decide to communicate that opinion to his girlfriend when there were no other people within a 5-mile radius is beyond me. It's very dangerous. Because I would have killed him had I not been deathly afraid of being left alone to be eaten by a bear. (Given how "fat" I was the bears were probably afraid I was going to eat them.) I probably shouldn't hold nature as a whole responsible for that weekend but somehow I do.

Anyway, the Nature Museum has a room with a bunch of wild GINORMOUS kamikaze butterflies that are on the attack. I didn't want to scare the girls so I pasted a frozen smile on my face the entire time but I'm serious, butterflies were diving at us like they were Tiger Woods and we were strippers. And sure, butterflies are kind of pretty FROM FAR AWAY. Up close they are a bug with long freakish legs that just happen to have colorful wings. Gross.

Me no likey.

2) Ate inside a McDonalds because they had a little play area. I didn't know customers actually ate inside McDonalds. People, they have a drive-through for a reason. Did you know they call it their "dining room?" Like you're at the country club or something. Anyway it was before 10:30 am so they were still serving breakfast. I asked for two cups of vanilla ice cream. The lady goes, "We're serving breakfast." (She emphasized "breakfast," in a Supersized antagonist tone.) So I say, "Oh you're not serving ice cream yet?" And she goes, "No, we are" and then looks at me disapprovingly. In other words, the lady behind the counter AT MCDONALDS was judging me for poor food choices. And would it be mean of me to point out she looked like she had eaten an ice cream cone or two in her life? (My ex-boyfriend would have been happy to inform her of this...)

McDonalds corporate headquarters is located in the Chicago area. I almost interviewed for a job there. And when I say "almost" I mean I sent my resume and they never called. But if I did have a corporate job with McDonalds I might send out a memo reminding the counter people that if they want to get uppity about what moms serve their kids they might want to go work at Whole Foods.

Regardless, Happy New Year people! I'd share my News Years resolutions but I don't have any. If it ain't broke... (Umm, need I say I'm kidding?)


  1. You are definitely a better mother than I am for eating inside McDonald's. My kids actually beg for me to let them eat inside fast food restaurants - the idea makes me gag.

    As for the McDonald's counter nazi, I let Mo eat ice cream all the time for breakfast. He puts it in the blender and adds milk. That's the ONLY way he'll drink milk. Stupid fuck.

  2. Happy New Year to you, too!

    Hmmm, does she actually think the ice cream is worse for you than the sugary hotcakes and syrup? Whatev'.

  3. Thanks for the warning about the Nature Museum. I admire your maternal resolve in the face of such an onslaught. I don't even think butterflies are that cute from far away since they fall squarely in the category of "flying things I avoid at all costs." Now, when I'm looking for ways to bust out of the house with the new little guy (only a couple months to go...), I'll know to skip the Nature Museum and head straight to McDonalds!

  4. Oh dear God on the McDonalds thing. Desperate times, like freezing Chicago weather in Jan, call for desperate measures. I love how some moms I know like to call and say let's get together for a playdate at McDonalds. Grrroosss. But ice cream at 10:30-totally justifiable. Hey, they could have been up for how long and have already eaten two full meals by then. Happy New Year!

  5. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.