Sunday, January 24, 2010

Call Me Julia

We're having hairy foot of squid for dinner, dear!

People, I have been too busy crock-potting the shit out of anything that moves to blog. I think we had the postman for dinner last night. If it has meat on it, I throw it in that crockpot, bury it in some sauce and voila! Did the person who invented the crockpot (I'm assuming it's Betty Crocker until someone proves me wrong) win some kind of nobel peace prize? Well, they should have.

To explain to someone who doesn't know me what a true miracle from God it is that I'm cooking is impossible. But if you're truly interested I suppose I could give you my mother's phone number and she could explain how I can't even make a bed so my making a brown-sugar-and-dijon-mustard-smothered pork roast is akin to Moses walking on water (it was Moses, right?). But hang up on her as soon as she starts getting on your nerves. Probably two minutes into the conversation.

The thing is, I'm now truly interested in this cooking thing. I want to try new recipes, I rummage through food magazines and scour online cooking sites. I don't even know who I am anymore. It's entirely possible I may wake up tomorrow, shave my head and join the Hare Krishna*. Because if I can find a love of cooking I can become a bald beggar at airports who helpfully informs people they will be going to hell. Really, it's that bizarre of a life change.

Even though crockpotting (is it a verb? it should be) is easy, per everything in my life, I at first had to make it hard. I would throw all the stuff in, press the button to cook it on "slow" and then sit there and watch it throughout the day. I'd marvel to the girls, "Can you believe this thing is COOKING OUR DINNER FOR US??? Have you EVER SEEN ANYTHING SO AMAZING???" And they would say something like "Caillou has a big red ball. Dora and Boots go night-night." So clearly they understand the importance of our new family member, our chef, our modern incarnation of Alice, The Crockpot. I almost feel guilty not paying it the going rate of $15 an hour for household help in the greater Chicago metro area.

My still one-reservation I have of my new passion is handling raw meat. I like my meat to arrive cooked (medium please) and prefer not to think of its origins on a farm or jungle or side of the road or similar. So I just kind of close my eyes, unwrap it and plunk it into the crockpot really quick while humming a pleasant song to divert my urge to vomit. My technique would probably make a good YouTube video if I was so inclined to let someone film me. Which I'm not.

So now that I've mastered cooking, I feel like I could do anything. Run a marathon. Solve world peace. Write a book. Too bad that damn Julie & Julia bitch took my idea.

*I know nothing about these people. I actually thought it was "Harry" Krishna before I Googled it, and wondered who Harry was and why he wanted bald followers. I'm not even sure they believe in hell. As a matter of fact, I know very little about religion in general, exemplified by the "D" I got in World Religions my junior year of college. If you are a Hare Krishna and I offended you, I will be happy to share a nice crockpot recipe to make amends. Except I don't think you eat meat. And I haven't gotten to the vegetarian section of my new crockpot cookbook yet...


  1. I love my slow cooker too and use it everyday. I am posting healthy slow cooker recipes on my blog You might fine some that interest you.

  2. I ♥ my slow cooker too. Have you checked out this blog?

    She's got some awesome recipes there!

  3. Yup, when my boy was your girls' age, the slow cooker saved my life. And like you, I would marvel.

    I am a recovering vegetarian. I hate touching raw chicken. I often roast a whole chicken in my slow cooker. And I have a very complicated procedure for ensuring that the chicken doesn't contaminate the kitchen. On the up side, I am very hygenic!

  4. I'm about as religious as you are & I think that crockpots are a gift from God. Now that tax season is under way, I expect to be lighting incense to it a few times a week.

  5. I love my crockpot, too! This Sunday I felt so accomplished with a roast, roasted redskin potatos and peas and carrots!!

    I HATE touching raw meat, too. I find raw chicken the MOST disgusting!!

    Post some receipes!

  6. People -- Thank you for asking me to post recipes, but quite honestly at this juncture my posting recipes would be like Tiger Woods writing a how-to book on monogamy. Nothing I have made (except pulled pork bbq) has been exquisite but that's beside the point. I AM COOKING.

    My Pulled Pork recipe: Dump some pig in a crockpot. Douse with a ridiculous amount of bbq sauce. Push the "low" button and cook for 10 hours or so. Ta da!

  7. I really ought to try this! Somehow I'm put off by the crock pot because I have to think about dinner at breakfast time (as opposed to my current approach, which is to think about what to have for dinner about 15 minutes before kids expect to eat). But this sounds like it would be right up my alley. Now I just have to pull out the "Crock Pot Cookery" from 1985 and see which recipes have ingredients that are still on the market!

  8. Harry Krishna! That's genius. If I had been drinking milk, I would have snorked it out onto the keyboard. But that isn't likely since i don't drink milk.

    AND my mom offered to buy my a crock pot for my birthday - since she has been here and clearly seen that I am not a cook and it's of course a problem...but I turned her down! Can you believe it? I don't like to touch the meat or eat it unless it's off a really damn special farm cause I saw food inc. Gawd the problems of modern life. But congrats to you 'cause it sounds like a revelation. For a Harry Krishna. Hilarious!

  9. Ok, so where the heck did you go? Did the crockpot get you? I would think that as close as I am to your location I would have heard about THAT kind of accident on the news.
    Hope all is well.

  10. Eeew ..... between this picture of the squid thing and the thought of touching meat, I've been forced into vegetarian mode. Of course, when one is postchildren, there is always the restaurant option where one is usually spared the nasty details between raw and medium-rare.