Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Rapid / Rabid Squirrel

Two parks near our house have been overrun with crazy-eyed squirrels who are not scared of humans, probably because some freak thinks it's a good idea to feed them. I don't like squirrels -- they are really just rats with the enviable ability to scoot quickly up trees -- but given they are innately afraid of people I never paid them much attention. But lately there is a brave breed of squirrel inhabiting our neighborhood playgrounds here on Chicago's north side. They brazenly jump into strollers, sniffing for Cheerios and graham crackers and the like. When you approach, they look up, give a snarl and go back to hunting around in your diaper bag. I'm not kidding -- one squirrel had its entire upper body wedged INSIDE MY DIAPER BAG. I was so nervous I threw an abandoned broken frisbee at it, quickly gathered up the girls and exited the premises. (Note: Rabid squirrels DO NOT like frisbees thrown at their heads. PETA, bite me.)

So I left up in arms and grumbling that I was going to call our alderman and the Chicago Park District to TAKE BACK OUR PARKS or similar, perhaps adding in that my children's safety had been compromised. In reality their lives were probably in no danger until I hurled the frisbee, but I plan to leave that part out. Yet as I picked up the phone this morning to place this call, I wasn't sure what to say. "Umm, hi, a squirrel was mean to us at the park and tried to steal our Cheerios. He was, well, gray and very squirrelly ... FIND HIM AND KILL HIM." Really, here in America's Third Most Miserable City, surely the local government has better things to do than track down a cereal-loving squirrel, albeit a very aggressive one, right? As of now, I am drafting a strongly worded letter. I'm better on paper than on the phone.

Oh, and you're probably wondering who this lovely couple is and why their portrait accompanies this post. I have no idea who they are. But when I went to Google Images and typed in "rapid squirrel attack" their photo popped up. Note I mis-typed and put in "rapid" instead of "rabid." Were these folks attacked by a very fast squirrel? Do they race squirrels? Is it because the wife sort of looks like a squirrel? Perhaps we'll never know. And I'm okay with that.


  1. I did really wonder what was with those people and now that I know it is even funnier.

    Those squirrels are definitely crazy. I had a family living in my attic and they were crazy, but not so bold as your squirrels.

  2. We had birds like that in our backyard. I would be playing outside with my daughter and they would tweet angerly at us as if to say, "What the hell are you doing out here? This is our back yard!" I wanted to ask him if he would like to go halve-sies on the mortgage. Whatever. My neighbor got rid of their nest since they technically resided in his gutter, and they left us. Thank God!

    I'd bring a squirt bottle to the park, and train them like a cat not to get on your stroller.

  3. I assumed the photo was there because SHE REALLY DOESN LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL! Scary!

  4. Oh, holy fuck that was funny. Get a taser my friend. I'm sure they'll sell you one in whatever color you choose and a little holster to put it in when you go to the park. I hate tree rats. Which reminds me of a potential blog post. Can I link to you?

  5. I love the picture and the reason it's there. I do not love squirrels. We have an albino one in the neighborhood, and I like that one. It's rare and possibly picked on by the other squirrels. But other than that one, they can all go to hell. I like the squirt bottle idea. Perhaps you can shout something while you squirt them, like, "Bad rats with fluffy tails!" So that when your girls go to get their haircut and see the squirt bottle, they can shout out something inappropriate like "Bad rat tails!" Gotta keep that theme going!

  6. Hilarious.
    Actually crying with laughter.