Monday, January 31, 2011

Amateur Hour at The Sag Awards: Ricky Gervais, I Missed you!

This statue is about to get molested by Betty White... and like it.

Can the Screen Actors Guild not afford to hire a host? What's an award show if you don't have a host mocking the very people they are there to honor? The SAG Awards were so boring, however, it would have taken more than outing John Travolta to make it remotely entertaining. Here are my (equally boring) thoughts:

Hey you. Yeah you. The one who thought it would be a quirky unique little way to start the SAG Awards by having actors who looked pained in a manner like they were having an appendectomy with no anesthesia to give a cute anecdote about being an actor. Are you still employed? You might not be by 5:00 pm this evening. In my (vast) experience with termination etiquette, seems they always fire people at the end of the day. Clean out your desk and start downloading some secret files now just in case.

Do the SAG people think us normal people who just tune in to mock actors give a rat's ass about the power struggles and internal politics between their various professional societies? I mean, do I care if the Saggers merge with some other competing actor-y group and when and how and what that will mean? And who was that fat guy who informed us of this potential merger? Was that the white guy who lived upstairs from the Jeffersons?

Don't you think the Golden Globe executives are a bit miffed at Annette Bening? What does she have against the Golden Globes anyway? Why did she look like a cross between Ed Asner's character from Up and the wife from the Addams Family at the Golden Globes, and like a goddess at the SAGs? Whose that really old guy with her anyway?

Good chance Steve Buscemi will never receive an award again no matter how deserving. I mean, you're best actor and you can't get through two 1-minute speeches without making dumb excuses? "I didn't know Best Actor category was up first!" and then later "I wrote my notes for Best Ensemble Cast on my Best Actor note card!" And why didn't the ensemble cast people do a last-minute vote and rescind their offer to let Buscemi talk on their behalf after he messed up the first speech? Steve baby, you shouldn't have reminded us you even had notes guiding you through the first speech. Sheesh. How hard is it to accept a freakin' award?  Not that I'd know...

I think the same person who had the bright idea for the opening montage was responsible for the Ernest "Ernie" Borgnine Lifetime Achievement Award. Didn't the guy (he's 94 for the love of God!) deserve a tribute that didn't look like it was strung together by some intern flunky? And on the off chance my place in hell isn't already etched into the reservations page, did you see Ernie's wife? I'll just leave it at that. If you saw it, you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't, words can't describe. And Tim Conway. You're awesome. But would it have killed you to wear some reading glasses so you could get through the script? Annette wasn't wearing hers, so I'm sure she would have let you borrow them.

Is Claire Danes really that big of a moron? I mean, really? Plus, I thought she was with that guy who left Mary Louise Parker high and dry seven months pregnant? When did they break up? And she has since gotten married? What the hell? People, keep me informed, would you?

Christian Bale. Still drunk. Still bearded. Still English. WHY CAN I NEVER REMEMBER THAT? But thanks for the lesson on how to get in the biz! I am endlessly fascinated by people too! Sign me up to star in a major feature film! Since I'm going to hell anyway, his wife is a bit too gummy for my taste. (Oh c'mon! She can take it! She's married to Christian Bale!)

Just in case I haven't been clear enough about this, I love love love Jeff Bridges. Love. And, I think it's best I go ahead and admit it: He's overtaken Daniel Craig as Number 1 on my list. Granted, I'd prefer it be from the Fabulous Baker Boys era. But that's not how the list works. You can't say, for example, "Warren Beatty, but before the chicken neck." No, there's not a time traveling element to the Top Five List. Take it as it is or leave it. And Jeff Bridges, I take it!

Why did it look like Nicole Kidman just got back from the gym and threw on an (ugly) outfit and then grabbed some (tacky) jewelry and sprung Keith Urban from the crate she keeps him in down in the basement and ordered him to put more gel in his hair and off they went? I'm not so sure Nicole and Keith have a marriage certificate or she has whatever paperwork one needs to prove a pet is indeed theirs.

Last night I decided I don't like Julianna Margulies. No reason in particular. Just don't.

I am actually quite upset Helena Bonham Carter wore matching shoes. Again, the Golden Globes people must be pissed. Why do celebs clean up so much more for the SAGS (besides Nicole Kidman)?

Don't you get the feeling Natalie Portman is a nerd. I mean, like a complete dork? And her way of trying to convince people she's not a geek is by using the word "asshole" during a television broadcast when she's about to give birth to god only knows whose baby? Nat, sweetheart, using a naughty word while knocked up doesn't make you cool. And by declaring you're never an asshole while in fact being an asshole is sort of being a a double asshole. (Isn't saying "asshole" on live network tv the definition of BEING an asshole?)

That's all I got. The whole thing left me uninspired.


  1. TOTALLY agree with you on the Natalie Portman dorkiness. During the Golden Globe speech, my husband and I actually looked at each other, laughed hilariously, and said, "DORK!!!" What a goober, but it might make me like her just a bit more, actually.

  2. LIke the no time travelling for the top five. Why does everyone try to do that?

  3. Ok, so the actors DID look like they wanted to curl up in the fetal position when they were talking about being an actor. I thought perhaps I was projecting my uncomfortableness on to them.

    I switched after ahwile to watch Big Love. I think you watch that, right? If so, let me know what you think about Margene's "little" secret and Barb's reaction.