2011 Golden Globes: The Scientologists Have a Hit Out on Ricky Gervais

All day I kept saying I was excited to watch the Emmys. I'm not sure what the difference is, but it was the GOLDEN GLOBES, not the Emmys on tonight. But really, who cares? I just watch to see rich famous people make asses of themselves. And asses they did make. Yippee for me!

--Ricky Gervais is my new favorite person. He called Tom Cruise and John Travolta gay on national television. In front of all of their peers. Travolta has a new baby for crying out loud. One should wait at least two months before calling a closeted new father gay. It's just common courtesy.

--Christian Bale, what were you drinking? And / or smoking? Normally I want to immediately sleep with someone who has an English accent. I actually forgot he was English until he opened his (inebriated) mouth. I thought the British had a way with words, but at last count Bale used the word "fantastic" 2,342 times in a five-minute speech. A speech that was cut off by the guy who's in charge of putting on the music when drunk winners blather on too long. That said, who are we kidding. I still kind of want to sleep with him. Just not as much as I used to. Which was a lot.

--If you didn't know bald was beautiful, enter Bruce Willis. Dear God, from Bruce Willis to ASHTON KUTCHER? Do you think Demi Moore bashes her head into her bathroom mirror every night before she goes to bed ? No, probably not. That might knock some of her Botox out of place. But she wants to.

--Michelle Pfieffer, you will go straight to hell if you don't share with the rest of the world what you are doing to yourself. Botox? Fillers? Invasive surgery? A combination thereof?  You don't have a whole lotta spunk left, so I wonder if David A. Kelley had you killed and stuffed like a prize deer. If so, that's one hell of a taxidermy job. I want to be you. Even if that means having to have sex with David A. Kelley, the idea of which doesn't appeal to me.

--Is it safe to say Justin Bieber has peaked? I don't like to encourage underage promiscuity, but he might want to start nailing everything that moves  now. His options may wane and then completely peter out over the next few years.

--Jennifer Love Hewitt looks like the orange twin with a bouffant. She either needs to stop eating carrots or needs to find a new spray tanning facility.  And whether or not she does either one of those things, she must never allow the same person to touch her hair again.

--Notice Angie laying on Brad at their table? I mean c'mon. Don't you get the feeling she does that just in case Jennifer Aniston is watching? Isn't stealing Jennifer's husband and having six children with him enough while Jen resorted to dating John Mayer? YOU WIN ANGIE! YOU WIN!  Why does Angie always dress like shit? I wore a dress eerily similar to this for my final sorority rush party in college. I got dung from several sororities (eff you Delta Delta Delta) just because of that dress. (It couldn't have been my personality could it have?)

--Did you see Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban on the red carpet? Would it have killed her to wear flats? Poor Keith came off looking like her pet chihuahua.

--If you don't believe in aliens, rewind and look at Tilda Swanson. Human? Please.

--Did anyone tell Annette Bening she was going to an award show, a show that will be televised and she actually might win an award? Or did Warren Beatty steal the mail postmarked from The Golden Globes Nominating Committee and sprang the news on her last minute? Regardless, I'll say this about Annette Bening. She is secure aging without pesky little treatments. And she still looks beautiful. I just think she could have showered before the awards out of politeness for her table mates and lost the blind-old-man glasses which resembled the ones Ed Asner wore in Up.

--Speaking of table mates, have you ever seen an award ceremony where winners thank the people SITTING AT THEIR TABLE? ("Shout out to Table #149! You rock!") I mean, why not thank the Golden Globe seating chart committee while you're at it?

--Sandy... bangs? Whose idea was that? Fire them. (although I love you and hope the rumors about you and Ryan Reynolds are true. Yum.) BTW, did you watch that Celebrity Apprentice episode where Donald Trump said you "couldn't have married" him? I bet you actually could have. Not that you wanted to. Although your taste in men proved to be such that I can't really predict whom you might marry.

--Why does Robert Pattinson look better as a vampire than he does as a human? Maybe he could hire a personal makeup artist to make him look like a vampire every day?

--Me so very much likey that Hung guy. Whether he is or not.

--I love Alec Baldwin. He's hilarious. Except when he's calling his daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig." He's pretty funny other than when he's doing that. But is he starting to look a bit like Liberace? Incidentally when I searched Google Images for a picture of Liberace a bunch of photos of Michael Douglas came up.

--I am currently so enamored with Jeff Bridges it's hard to put into words. Plus if I put it into words it might hurt Daniel Craig's feelings. If you can name someone hotter than Jeff Bridges (besides Daniel Craig) knock yourselves out. I'm all ears.

--Is it required that one give an amateur stand-up comedy routine when one is given a Golden Globe lifetime achievement award? Holy crap what was Robert DeNiro on / thinking / not thinking?

--Why did the top of Halle Berry's dress look like a one-piece swim suit? Don't get me wrong, she looked great. But she looked like she was wearing a bathing suit with a long cover-up skirt. Whatever. She procreated with the hottest man on Earth (other than Daniel Craig) so I'm not one to be critical. But was that a bathing suit? Weird. Not as weird as Robert DeNiro's stand-up comedy routine, but weird nonetheless.

--I've never seen Glee. Ever. And given I have no other New Years resolutions I think never seeing Glee will be mine. I hear it's good. I love that woman who plays Sue. I just have to resolve to do something this year and it might as well be to never see Glee.

That's it. I must now watch Big Love. I sort of forget who was burned alive, who was implanted with incestual embryos and why Bill's mother lopped off the arm of that man married to the cross-dresser. But I'm excited nonetheless. Plus, I heard they got rid of Teeny #2. Thank you Big Love powers that be!